Of The New and Old
by WickedGamer
Summary: In some cases, it is sometimes better to get something new to replace what you have lost. Yet, there are also those occasions when that something lost, isn't so easy to replace. Then, there's this. What to do when you have both options? I guess, I'll just have to figure it out. Though, knowing my dumb-ass, I'll probably fuck this up too. (Formerly, Love Squared) Slightly AU.
1. Author's Note

_**Of The New and Old**_

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><p>Author's Notes: 0729/2015

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><p>It has come to my attention that I have been a very, very bad person. This being said, I just want to say, that I appreciate all of the reviews, follows and favorites this story has gotten since it's <em>premiere. <em>

Over these last few months, I have had major changes in my life and will probably continue to have some in the foreseeable future. This does not mean, I will end with my writing. But it in parts, explains my lack of updates and such. Due to these events, I have decided to not begin any new stories until I have completed all my ongoing fics. I owe that to my readers.

What little time I have managed to gather, I have used to edit, review and complete this story. For previous readers, I will mention that the basic story has remained the same. I have although, changed a few scenes, added a few more and did some slight rearranging. You may want to re-read, though it is not necessary to understand the ending. The title of the story has also been changed because the previous one, (Love Squared), I felt, did not fit the story.

I may post an epilogue to this story, but at the moment I really need to finish and polish some other of my stories.

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><p><span><em><strong>User Recognition:<strong>_

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><p>A special thanks to all those that have Favorited this story.<p>

ADAMdragonrider123, Ashanimal86, Burn Shadow, Dark Lord Volk'land, DarkReaver724, Deadpool2099,Galvatron II, Gammer,Jake.K, JeiDana, Jiespinoza, Logan96, MassEffectFan8, Masseffect78789, MasterJedi231, Moris Risu, MrsKeishaOrton, N7SlayerD, OnyxTemplar,, Quillyquill19, Riderman09, SpectreStatus313, TZW, The Darkness Knight, TraiNeFresh, Zeus501, beastlynerd, boncast418,forthealliance93, gregdog316, ljovanja, oliveirabruno360, roach890, robdog94, sami217, united88, vohlm, weezlar, welsh12, wilkco, xShephard, yoskees310

Another special thanks to the wonderful people that are currently following this story!

ADAMdragonrider123, Agent001, Ashanimal86, Atoraxia,, Burn Shadow, CapMarquez2121, Chspitfire, DarcSage88, Dark Lord Volk'land, DemitriKlaus, Endrius, Fanfiction108, Galvatron II, JakeK, Jiespinoza, Lar21s, Logan96, Lupercal16, MassEffectFan8, Masseffect78789, MasterJedi231, Midnight Scholar, MrsKeishaOrton, N7-SlayerD, OnyxTemplar, Paco23, Riderman09, SeaWolf90,Shepardsrightarm, Shingen Takeda 1521, Stunner911, Templar Marshal, The Darkness Knight,TraiNe-Fresh, Votlar, Vvalentine666, alphaminkus, beastlynerd, boncast418, dapmitidp, .16, fahRENheit2006, forthealliance93, generatemasseffectfields, ja15, ksmith11, ljovanja, lori0108, mddd, midway456789, roach890, robdog94, sami217, weezlar, welsh12, xShephard, zompocalyps

But most importantly, a very special and heartfelt shout out to those that reviewed. My hearts beats a little faster every time you leave me one. Thanks!

Lori0108, Comandocucumber, ljovanja, SpectreStatus313, Stunner911, Latin ME Fan, AshAnimal86, Shepard112, Endrius, wilkco, skylark, Danni200, Welsh12, fahRENheit2006, Floppy2, Chspitfire, Gammer, Quillyquill19, Rojarojas, MassEffectFan8, and all the many Guest reviews that I received.

To those of you that see your name up there more than once, Sir or Madam, I tip my hat to you. Your are an amazing individual!

(Some special characters were removed from the names, so that the site would allow me to post them. _Damn Rules!_)

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><p>Disclaimer<p>

I do not own Mass Effect or make any profit of it's franchise. All rights belong to Bioware and it's associates. I am just a creative mind having fun with their toys.


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

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><p>Location: <em>Alliance HQ Base Vancouver_

Time Stamp: _1300 ERT Hour / Apr. 05. 2186_

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><p><strong>Shepard<strong>

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><p>Working for Cerberus was my only choice at the time, humanity's only choice.<p>

Being grounded for so long hasn't been easy. I've spent countless of hours going over everything that has happened and nothing was making any sense anymore. I understood that being confined to the small room was my punishment for the thousands of lives I'd chosen to sacrifice for the greater good. Yet, the Alliance didn't seem to give a wit's end of the warnings I'd brought. What more could I possibly do to make them understand? They'd said that I was diluted, some side effects of my time with Cerberus. To them; Saren never happened, it seemed. They prefered to keep it under wraps and in the process deny the very plausible threat that the Reapers represented. Anderson knew that working for Cerberus was my only choice at the time, humanity's only choice. But what could he really do? No longer councilor, his influence had become limited at best.

'_The time will come, I'll have my fight_.'

Then there's Ash... The thought of that women angered the hell out of me. I'd been told she was on this very base, testifying for my trial. After the unspeakable disaster that was our meeting on Horizon, I'd thought she'd have rathered avoid the subject and me, altogether. But what would I know? I'd hadn't had any contact with her or anyone, for that matter, since my incarceration.

James, my new bodyguard was the only one I'd had constant contact with... Yeah, Commander _fucking_ Shepard, had been assigned a bodyguard - and one that didn't know the meaning of privacy. I knew it was the man's job to keep an eye on me, but this green recruit needed to be knocked down a few pegs and shown the meaning of respect for higher ranking officers. My rank might have been stripped, but in all rights, I had earned my titles and no politician could tell me otherwise.

Now, months had passed since my arrival at the station with hardly any notice by anyone. I'd done my best to focus on the Intel that I was required to provide the Alliance, in hopes that someday, maybe, finally getting my point across to them.

Walking a circuit from end to end of my small room, I checked the data pad once again for anything I might have missed, anything that could help my cause. So caught up in my work, that I almost missed the knock and the sound of pressurized air sliding open the metal doors, until James strode into the room, saluting me.

"Commander." James said, lowering his hand.

Shrugging off Vega's salute, I tossed the datapad onto my makeshift bunk and turned to face him.

"You don't have to call me Commander anymore, remember? I'm almost a convict now." I replied, sarcastically.

"I'm not supposed to salute you either."...James' lips slanted into a cheeky smirk but he continued speaking, " Admiral Anderson would like to speak with you. Now."

We exited my _cell_ and walked the few feet down the hall to the waiting area of HQ's conference halls. Everywhere my eyes traveled, fellow soldiers and civilians where scattering as if in a daze. I found this curious but paid no mind, things were usually hectic at HQ.

Finding Admiral Anderson wasn't easy in the bustle of people but when we did he signaled for us to follow. A few yards away from the doors leading into the main meeting hall, where our hearing was to be held, Anderson stopped suddenly and began speaking to a fellow Admiral. As we waited patiently, a voice from behind us drifted into my head, a voice that had haunted my dreams ever since my death… ever since Horizon.

"Shepard?"

Ashley's voice was soft, even a bit surprised and yet, it was everything I remembered it to be. My body unwittingly turned to her, my heart suddenly beating faster and harder against my throat and chest.

"Ash...I mean, Lieutenant Williams." I corrected, stumbling over my accidental informality.

I watched her eyes roam over me before locking with my own. Those beautiful chestnut eyes seemed to flicker between me and something behind me. I had almost forgotten that Vega was still standing in that direction and turned towards him. Catching James with his gaze solely focused on Ashley, I gave them both an appraising look before Anderson interrupted my train of thought.

"Shepard, we've received word that the Reapers are a few hours time from the Sol System. We need you to board the Normandy and prepare to head out." Anderson told me.

"What?!... _Head out_? If they're coming, I want to be here waiting for them." I couldn't help but reply with some anger. Anderson couldn't be sending me off now, not when Earth and it's people needed me.

"Listen to me Shepard, you have to go. Williams and Lieutenant Vega will join you for the time being. I need you to go to the council. Tell them what's coming for Earth and bring back as much help as you can... I'm afraid we're going to need all the help we can get." Anderson said voice unwavering in its authority.

"You think the Council's going to listen?!..." I was furious and the tone of my voice betrayed the rage boiling within." You can't be serious, Anderson.." Ashley's hand came up to wrap her fingers against my upper arm.

"Shepard, he's right and you know it," she said soothingly.

"Stay out of it, Williams. If you want to run, go right ahead... but I'm not leaving, not now." I snapped and her fingers released my arm. I could hear her boots click against the floor as she backed away from me. I knew my words were hurtful and part of me wanted to hurt her as much as she'd hurt me, but right now, I knew, wasn't the time to have emotions cloud my judgment. She was right and so was Anderson. I was only one man and as much I hated to admit it, the Council was my only hope. Earth's only hope.

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><p>Location: <em>Normandy SR-2 Sol System_

Time Stamp: _1700 ERT Hour/ Apr. 05. 2186_

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><p><em><strong>Ashley<strong>_

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><p>Who was to say miracles didn't happen in the most needed ways. Shepard was here on the ship with me, safe and alive...very much alive. The jerk still infuriated me but the way my voice took on a breathless tone around him, reminded me of the affect he still had on me.<p>

Now we stood on opposite sides of the tiny room, inside the glass box that had become the debriefing room on the new Normandy. Admiral Hackett had just communicated to us what steps should to be taken from here on out and it left us both quietly contemplating strategies to this situation when the hologram of the Admiral faded away. The tension literally vibrated off us both and covered the room, making the air around us seem thicker, heavier. Yet, the relief of having him alive and with me wasn't any less.

"Lieutenant Commander, we should diverse a plan of action for when we land on Mars." He said as he hid his expression behind his neutral Commander mask. I, on the other hand gaped at him for a second before returning my own mask firmly back into place. _God, how does this man still have this effect on me? _I thought, aggravated.

"Well, Commander in my opinion we should be prepared for anything… I mean, look at what's been happening. Anything is possible at this point."

He looked at me for a second with calculating eyes, almost penetrating in their gaze.

I could feel - literally feel - their heat on my skin. My breathing hitched and my pulse began to race as we watched each other. Shepard had a huge amount of space between us but those eyes seemed to caress my skin wherever his gaze grazed over me. I could feel the hairs on the nape of my neck prickle from my body's awareness of him. I tensed as the moments passed and he didn't speak. I knew I should have said something, anything, but my mind was far too busy trying to contain the onslaught of hidden emotions and denied desires that I had tried my best to forget. Then I felt the slight change in my posture and he crossed his arms across his chest, tilting his head and giving me a measuring look.

" I see…." he said quietly.

Was that anger under the commander mask, that I sensed? That mask he was trying so hard to keep.

"What exactly, do you see?" I asked half confused and half curious.

"That... anything is possible," he said thoughtfully.

His response was cryptic to say the least and it baffled me. Though, before I had a chance to question him further, James entered the debriefing room. His hugely framed body making the tiny glass room seem so much more confining. He strolled further into the small space and seemed to sense the tension in the air - sparing a look at the Commander before turning his gaze on me.

"Ashley… Commander?" James said, a confused look on his face and my heart seemed to become insensibly heavier as I watched the suspicious look over take Shepard's features. He looked between us and his eye became a darker shade.

"James.. Have Lieutenant Williams fill you in, as it seems you're already familiar with one another. If you have any questions, I'll be in my cabin." With those last words, Shepard exited the room and left me alone with a very confused James.

"You can cut the tension in this room with a knife.. Is the _Jefe_ being too bossy for you already? He can get like that you know." James informed me, a small smile on his face. He came closer to where I still stood. His huge arms wrapping around my waist and he leaned down to give me a small peck on the lips.

"You alright babe?" he asked, concerned. One of his big hands reaching out and grabbing my chin to tilt it into a better position and kissed my silent lips more deeply. For some reason it seemed wrong. His attention felt out of place and I didn't know why.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2:**

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><p>Location:<em> Normandy SR2 Sol System_

Time Stamp: _0900 ERT Hour/ Apr. 07. 2186_

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><p><em><strong>Shepard<strong>_

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><p>Mars.. One of my worst nightmares, come true...<p>

I could feel the gentle hum of the engines as the Normandy traveled through space after our last mission. From the bed where I was laying, I could see the blue energy of the mass effect fields that surround the ship. It's coloring as it swirled outside my skylight window reminded me of her.

The same color of her armor.

The armor that just a few days ago, I carried into the Citadel with her inside it; fighting for her life. If I said that I didn't feel a cold stone fist around my heart, I would be lying to myself. The way her body had hung limp in my arms... was almost too much to bear. I knew that she would recover, my Ashley was a fighter, a warrior. She wouldn't give up so easily, not now when I... When we needed her the most.

To say that the investigations on Mars had been a complete waste of time would also be considered a lie. We had gathered information that could very well be a solution to the Reaper threat but we weren't completely sure yet. Liara had also been saved with our arrival and we brought her aboard to join our fight. That fact alone made me feel a bit better. Liara was a good friend. She was a bit naive in human interactions and understandings during our travels on the first Normandy, but after so many years of traveling together we had become close friends. You could even say I felt a bit protective over her, like a brother to his younger sister, which made me laugh for a minute because in all reality she was way older than me.

There are also my private assumptions of James. Thinking of him reminded me of her again. I wondered what kind of relationship they had together. He had seemed worried about her when we rushed into Huerta Memorial hospital and he had also seemed to not want me spending time alone with her there, though I had made sure to send him to check that the Normandy's resources were stocked up before we headed out again. I hadn't missed how he had looked at us when I had brought her back into the Normandy - after she had been attacked - with the worried eyes of a man in love. For a minute then, I had thought that he would take her from my arms.

_If he wants to keep his arms attached to his body, he won't touch her._ I had thought to myself at that moment.

James seemed to sense that, because he had picked up the drone's body without any complaint and proceeded back into the Normandy without another glance. Was their relationship like mine and Liara's - brother to sister - or was it like my relationship with Miranda?

"Miranda.." I whispered to myself.

Half a solar year had gone by, and my concerns for Miranda were growing. She was nowhere to be found and that fact wasn't sitting well with me. Yeah, our relationship had just been harmless looks and touches at first. But as time went by and the pressure from our suicide mission built up, our relationship had escalated. We began spending time together, almost nightly and we didn't always just talk. She had been there to ease my ache over Horizon and had had my back countless of times. I didn't exactly know what I felt for her but I did know that I had felt something for her... and I still did.

All these thoughts were starting to give me a headache and I sat up from the bed. It was time to get up and see Joker, maybe he knew how much longer it would take to reach Palaven. I needed to get back into action. I needed to stop thinking. Ashley was fighting for her life. Miranda was missing as far as I knew and then there was the worry of my crew fraternizing. That one always made me laugh too. For me to worry about fraternizing when I had an inside scoop on how good it could feel to commit that very fault.

Yet, all these problems were just a grain of sand in a sea of problems that would come up eventually with the Reapers looming over the horizon.

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><p>Location: <em>Normandy SR2 Sol System_

Time Stamp: _1100 ERT Hour/ Apr. 10. 2186_

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><p>I didn't think the week could get any worse. My thoughts still plagued me and the last mission on one of Palaven's moons had turned out badly. At least we didn't lose anyone - well anyone of my crew, that is. Which was a relief to me, since I still hadn't heard anything from Ash or Miranda.<p>

My body hurt all over. Bruises were beginning to show on the skin over my ribs and I had a very nasty bullet wound on my left thigh, otherwise Dr. Chakwas had given me a clean bill of health, even told me to be on my way.

Palaven had been brutal. Garrus was now on board but I knew that his thoughts remained on the destruction back on his home system. I had already been around to see him and he seemed to take the situation well - instead of focusing on what had been lost, he pushed all his energy into what could be done to save what was left. That gave me hope that not everyone's faith was gone and maybe there was still something to be done.

After leaving Garrus to his work, I returned to my cabin for some needed rest but not before checking the messages at my terminal. The moment the screen lit up with my new messages, my heart clattered to a stop. There at the top of the list was a message from Ash.

**o0o**

_Hi there Shepard,_

_One of the nurses told me you came around to see me, but I guess I was still out of it. Thanks for worrying about me... it makes me feel good, you know. That with all this destruction around us, someone still has time to worry about me. Especially, if that someone is you. _

_I heard about Palaven, tell Garrus I'm here for him, well... at least spiritually. When you get a chance you should come around, they're letting me have visitors now. _

_So... I hope to see you soon. I have to go now, the doctors say I'm getting better but I have the sneaky suspicion that they're taking extreme care of me... I hope you have nothing to do with that!_

-_Ash_

**o0o**

I felt relieved, my heart felt so much lighter. She was getting better and even starting to act like her old self. I might have to give her doctor some extra credits not to tell her about my little threat. I almost chuckle at the memories of that conversation with the doctor just before I left for Palaven.

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><p><em>"How's she doing, Doctor?" I gave him my best Commander-Fucking-Shepard face and stared him down. He fidgeted for a moment before answering.<em>

_"She is stable at the moment and we will keep an eye out on her vitals but from now on all we can do is wait." he said quietly. I kept eye contact for a moment longer and with my most authoritative voice, spoke. _

_"Listen Doc, I don't know much about medicine or the likes but when I return from my upcoming OP, she better be okay... No, scratch that. Better than okay..she better be up and about without a scratch on her. Are we understood?" I whispered the threat in my best means-business voice._

_He glanced at me, terrified, and I could have sworn I saw him swallow hard and take in a deep breath before nodding and leaving._

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><p>I scrolled down the rest of the messages, ignoring anything from Udina and came upon another message that called to me. It was from a ML Shepherdess. Strange.<p>

**o0o**

_Shepard,_

_I'm on the Citadel, Zakera Ward. I can't say much on this message for reasons you probably already know. Though, I would like to see you in person. If you can. I won't be around for too long, but I will try to wait as long as I can for you._

_-Ms. Lawson_

**o0o**

Miranda was okay. That was all my brain could process for a few moments. I knew I had to return to the Citadel and now more than ever. Ashley and Miranda were both waiting for me on that station.

"Joker!" I said in my most controlled voice, though I probably didn't convince anyone. Knowing Joker, he had probably read all my incoming messages. I have to make note of that and have a talk with him, whenever I get a chance.

"Yeah, Commander?" He said from some speaker above my head.

"Get us to the Citadel. NOW." I commanded.

"Yes, sir!" **Snicker.** "Our ETA is about 2 hours." He said. The line cut dead and with that I threw myself on my bunk. I knew I had to clear up these muddy thoughts and feelings. Maybe once I see these women... maybe then I can really define between love and lust. Maybe then.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

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><p>Location: <em>Citadel Serpent Nebula, Milky Way_

Time Stamp: _0800 ERT Hour/ Apr. 12. 2186_

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><p><strong>Shepard<strong>

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><p>We were almost at the Citadel and I couldn't wait to get off the Normandy. I had told the crew that they had two days of shore leave, while we were docked on the station. Who knew how long this would all take.<p>

"Two days of shore leave, Esteban! What you planning, _hombre_?" James hollered from across the room to Cortez, who diligently worked on the Evac. shuttle across from me.

"I've been meaning to pick up some extra parts for the shuttle...Maybe I can even visit that bar for a few drinks, if I have time. You coming, Vega? Commander?" Cortez asked us.

"You know me, Esteban. Definitely gonna hit the bar before coming back on the Normandy. Though I think I'll pass by Huerta Memorial and see how our Lieutenant's doing first, then I'll meet you down there." Vega replied not bothering to look my way.

"Yeah of course you just want to see how she's doing. Maybe if you're lucky you'll even have time to try out that hospital bed too while you're at it!" Cortez said in the most sarcastic voice. Then he seemed to think and turned a full one eighty in my direction. I think he had forgotten of my presence in the shuttle bay.

"Well? Cortez?... Vega? Is that all you have to say about a fellow Marine?" My voice was calm but inside, I was raging.

"_Pendejo_" James said in a low voice towards Cortez, then he turned towards me.

"That's not how we speak about a fellow marine, Commander. I apologize." He saluted before laying back down in his makeshift bunk. My eyes burned holes through his back and if it wasn't against a personal policy not to beat fellow crew members, he would have been out the airlock before he had a chance to think or react.

Cortez's nervous voice brought me out of my list of different ways to get rid of James Vega.

"Commander? I completely apologize for our behavior. I have a great appreciation for our Lieutenant Williams and it was just.. just a tasteless joke." He saluted me also and returned to his calibrations of the shuttle.

Not another word on the matter was spoken but now I knew with almost certainty that something was going on between James and Ashley. Maybe not a full blown romance but whatever it was, it needed to stop. Now.

My needs and wants are and always have been selfish, but when it really matters, I've always sacrificed everything for everyone else. Ashley wouldn't be something I willingly sacrificed. She gave me something special and I was prepared to fight tooth and nail to preserve what we had.

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><p>Location: <em>Citadel Serpent Nebula, Milky Way_

Time Stamp: _1200 ERT Hour/ Apr. 12. 2186_

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><p>The Citadel's synthetic air was the first thing that greeted me when I exited the Normandy. The processing at the docking entrance gates moved smoothly and the crew set out to take care of their various needs. As I reached the scanner at the entrance of the Zakera Ward, I stalled deciding on what route to best take first. Ashley was down two levels, though I knew I should make a quick stop at the Specter's requisition terminal. This whole business with Ashley would need more than just a few minutes to handle. I pass the scanner and stroll towards the elevator when a sight from the corner of my eyes, caught my attention.<p>

Luxurious black/brown hair that I had explored on countless of occasions. She hadn't noticed me yet and my feet automatically quickened my approach from behind her. Arms instinctively wrapped around her waist and crushed her against me. At first she gave a small gasp and her body tensed, but as she realized who it was, her body melted against me and she turned around in my arms.

"Shepard..." She said in that heavy accented voice of hers. Her breath tickled my face and she reached up to kiss my cheek. Her arms wrapped around my neck and squeezed before releasing me. Her eyes scanned me as if looking for any injury, anything that could seem out of place for her. And my eyes did the same. After mentally assuring ourselves that the other was untouched, I spoke up.

"Miranda, where have you been? Why haven't I heard anything from you?" She smirked at my reaction.

"Well, well Shepard. I hadn't known you cared." Her voice low and sultry against my ear.

"Miranda, you know I do and you didn't answer my questions. Besides, what are you doing on the Citadel?" I replied, intertwining our fingers.

"Shepard, I'm fine. I can take care of myself you know. I'm just here to speak to a few people, including you. And as for where I've been... I've been in hiding. You should know that Cerberus doesn't take lightly to deserters." She walked us out of the earshot of civilians milling around the docking bay.

"I also didn't try to contact you before because I knew that the Alliance Command would not have appreciated that and ex-Cerberus official was trying to get in contact with one of their prisoners." She finished up.

"Miranda, if you're in trouble, you can tell me. I can help you." I assured her.

"It's ok, Shepard. You have your own wars to win. I have to fight my own battles." She said cryptically.

"Don't be like that Miranda... Anything you need, you know you can count on me." I tried to let her know but she gave me one of her looks and I understood that she wanted to do this one her own.

"Fine." I said under my breath. "I understand but if you need help, you just have to let me know."

She gave me a slight nod of approval and spoke again.

"So what's the Alliance's next move?" She asked, genuinely curious.

"We have a plan... It's a long shot." I confided.

"Not surprising..." She gave me a very strange look. One I hadn't seen in her. Her eyes were glazed over and she was biting her lower lip as if nervous.

"Shepard, am I still part of your plan? It's been so long, I wasn't sure where we stood." Her voice betrayed her.

I walked up to her and gathered her hands in mine making contact with her beautiful blue eyes.

"Miranda. Things are never going to be easy for us. But I'll always want you in my life." I told her, reassuringly.

She took in my answer and with a slight smile responded: " No second thoughts? This is your chance to back out." Her voice was teasing, her posture relaxed.

"No." I answered and pulled her closer to me, she was so close to me by now that I could feel every curve of the front of her body. She reached out at that moment and gave me a shy kiss.

"It was hard to be away from you. I surprised myself... how attached I got. I'm not good at attached." She said in a small voice.

"Just stay close from now on. Alright?" I whispered to her.

She let go of me at that response and turned away. She seemed worried and I wanted to help. But she was being stubborn and I didn't want to push her. Without looking at me she spoke in a sad voice.

"I wish I could, I really do. But there's something I have to deal with." Again she was speaking vaguely.

"What is it?" I ask, the worry beginning to show through my voice again.

"It's my sister Oriana, I haven't heard from her in awhile. I'm getting worried." She said.

"Your sister?" I asked.

"Yeah... but I don't want to overreact. Though there's a lot going on." She said, but she was clearly upset by this.

"But I thought we made sure she was safe?" I responded.

"It's probably nothing but I just know my father is involved. Don't worry Shepard, if I need your help, I'll let you know. For now I have to go, there are things I have to do." She approached me and gave me another slight kiss on the lips.

"Keep in touch, Miranda. Please." That last part was low but I knew she heard me. I gave her hand a final squeeze before turning to go on the elevator. Before I was completely out of reach I heard her purr like response.

"I will. Promise."


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

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><p>Location: <em>Citadel Serpent Nebula, Milky Way_

Time Stamp: _1400 ERT Hour/ Apr. 12. 2186_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Shepard<strong>_

* * *

><p>I had just bought the "Complete Works of Tennyson" for Ashley at the hospital kiosk. I could remember her going on and on about those sappy poems her father loved, she would appreciate the book during her hospital time. I suspected that she loved the poems as much as her dad. As an added bonus, I also knew that the doctors were keeping her on strict bed rest so she had plenty of down time to read.<p>

Opening the book to it's front page, I glanced at the note I had written in it for her. If that didn't rekindle something in her, I didn't know what I'd do.

I made my way across the Hospital lobby and spotted her room a few feet down the hall. When I walked into her quarters, I noticed Ash had company. Councilor Udina seemed to be discussing something of importance. I wondered slightly about leaving for a moment then Ashley spotted me hovering by the door. I couldn't back out now, so I walked over to her bed. It seemed that my presence wasn't welcomed by some, because as if on cue, Udina said his goodbyes and left us alone.

"What was that all about?" I asked to break the silence forming in the room.

"You never actually read your emails, do you?... Udina wants to make me a Specter." Ash told me slowly as she readjusted in the bed. For a moment my eyes lingered on the tight fitting, black shirt she wore but then I caught myself staring and fixed my gaze on her face once more. Her news of becoming a Specter suddenly came into understanding. I was impressed, to say the least.

"A Specter? Have you accepted?" I asked as I grabbed a chair from behind me and sat closer to her.

"Not yet. It's an honor and all...but... I don't know. I need to think about it some more." She said, fidgeting.

"It's a big decision. It's good to give it some thought." I reached into my back pocket for the book I had purchased and gave it to her. "Here, I picked this up for you. Figured you had some down-time."

She looked at it with a sweet smile on those lovely lips, then looked at me.

"Thanks, that's sweet... I've been climbing the walls." She put the book on a nearby table and turned her attention back to me.

"How're you doing?" I asked trying to keep the conversation going but also to find out how she was actually feeling. I loved her at some point... I probably still did and how she felt was of great importance to me.

"Good, considering." She said it and flinched. It seemed she wasn't completely healed yet.

"We haven't had time to talk, maybe if you're up for it?" I asked trying to bring this conversation where I needed it to go. I needed to know where we stood.

She glanced at me and her eyes told me so much. But her words told me little.

"Yeah, I wasn't sure you wanted to. You were pretty clear on Mars where things stood." She said, almost sadly.

"What's that suppose to mean?" I asked.

"You're not part of Cerberus anymore. Case closed. Full stop. I understand, it's perfectly clear." She replied shortly, still sounding angry.

"It's the truth." I couldn't help but speak up now since she didn't seem to believe the words coming out of her own mouth.

"Okay. You cut all ties. I accept that... But where do we stand? Did we cut all ties?" She asked, her voice softening at the end.

That was exactly what I wanted to know. This was precisely where I wanted this conversation to go.

"No we didn't... A lot has happened Ash, but I'd like to work this out." I was being as honest as possible to her. I really wanted our relationship to go back to normal. Though the look on her face told me that this conversation wasn't going to go as smoothly as I had hoped.

"I'm surprised." She responded but she wouldn't look at me.

"Why?" I asked, genuinely curious.

At that she glared at me.

"Miranda Lawson? Ring a Bell?" Malice in her voice.

Fuck. FUCK. This conversation had just taken a turn for the worst.

"What about her?" I asked. I wanted to know exactly how much she knew about her. I had to assess the situation and tread lightly if I didn't want to mess this up.

"I wear armor into to battle. Not swimwear!...I'm a real person Shepard, flaws and all. Not sure if that's your thing anymore." She was angry. Real angry. But that was good. That meant she cared.

"Hang on. You walked away on Horizon. Not me. ...You left... It was pretty clear you were done with me." I spat at her.

"I was hurt and angry." She replied with as much anger as I had spoken with.

She could be jealous, I understood that. But she couldn't reproach me for my actions. After all she pushed me away... Now I was mad...Great!

"I needed a connection with you and you shut me out! And now you're angry because I moved on?... No, you don't get to be angry about that." My accusatory voice did nothing to quench her anger and she seemed ready to lash out again.

"I can be angry about whatever the hell I want!" She yelled.

"Fine, I can see this is pointless. Take care Ash..." I had just about enough for one visit. She didn't seem ready to talk and I wouldn't push. I knew she needed time to get over her anger and I was going to give it to her.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Ashley<strong>_

* * *

><p>"Shepard...Wait...I'm all messed up right now." The words left my mouth before I noticed what I was saying.<p>

He sat back down on the chair and I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in.

_This is Shepard...Dammit. Get a grip_, I thought.

I let my head fall back onto the bed and my mind figure out the path I wanted to take with him.

"What's going on, Ash? Talk to me, don't shut me out again." His voice made vibrations go out through me and I could feel how close he was without even looking at him.

"It's just that...well.. I'll just say it." I said, faltering even still.

"Say what?" He pushed.

I hesitated a little before reassuring myself and letting him have it.

"I really didn't appreciate being told about... Her. Especially if it wasn't coming from you.." I noticed his reaction to my train of thought and rectified it before I messed things up further.

"What I mean to say is that... that I know me and you were never official... but I thought it was special.. to both of us. To know that you had joined Cerberus and then later on find out that... that women with you on Horizon was my... replacement... Let's just say it didn't go well." I said, the words rushing out before I could change my mind. The word 'replacement' leaving a sour taste in my mouth.

"Ash.. No one and I mean it, no one could replace what I feel for you. I just felt shut out.. What did you expect?.. I mean really?... To me it seemed pretty clear that I was no longer someone of importance to you. So, I tried to move on." He finished, grabbing hold of my hand. His touch was making the skin there tingle.

"But did you have to move on to _her_? How am I ever gonna compete with that?... I mean on the battlefield, I'd stomp on that barbie. But... I have flaws, Shepard." I knew that sounded wimpy but I didn't care. I was baring my scars to him to do with them as he pleased. After today, I would know if I could close this chapter of my life or if a new one would begin.

At that moment, I heard something that shocked me. Shepard laughed! Not any laughter either, he was almost doubling over with it. I didn't know if to be mad at him or to laugh along with him.

"I'm sorry, Ashley... It's just that.. it's a relief to hear that. I was prepared to leave with your hate... and that was one of the good outcomes. But honestly Ash..." Shepard leaned closer and seized my hands in his larger ones. His thumbs rubbed lovingly on my palms and his eyes gazed at me wildly.

_Is he gonna kiss me?_ The thought came as he leaned in even further, but then he planted a kiss on my forehead instead, deflating me quickly.

"Ash... believe it or not, you're special to me. And I would like to keep you close... How about we start with a clean slate?" He extended his arm out towards me and I looked at it for a second before shaking it.

"Deal." Was my weak response.

"Well, I have to head out now but I'll come around again." He stood to leave and we said our goodbyes.

Then I was alone with my thoughts. I looked out towards the window, wondering... wondering what this clean slate would bring. I remembered his gift set aside and picked it up. My fingers lightly caressing the leather bound book before opening it to it's first page.

Eyes skimmed over the scribbled down lines that I recognized as Shepard's handwriting.

**_'For my Sappy, though lovely girl.'_**


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

* * *

><p>Location:<em> Normandy Serpent Nebula, Milky Way_

Time Stamp:_ 1000 ERT Hour/ Apr. 16, 2186_

* * *

><p><strong>Shepard<strong>

* * *

><p>A clean slate was offered and a promise was made to the two most beautiful and yet most different women, I have ever known.<p>

Yesterday, I had only wanted to clarify my feelings for the two but instead, I think I messed it up even more. On one hand was Ashley. She was sweet, strong, and poetic. When it came to Ashley, I felt protective of her, loving. Though, I knew that she didn't need any protecting.

Ash is and always has been a fighter. I love her spunk, her individuality and her shyness. I love the way she handles her gun, the way she handles me..

Then there is Miranda, she's the complete opposite of Ashley. Shyness is not her strongest point but she is fierce in battle. Any one could say that she was walking perfection and I knew exactly how perfect she was. Miranda wasn't romantic or sensitive but she did have feelings for me, that much I knew.

Now I'm at a loss on how to continue. I took in a deep breath trying to relax and chain up these unrecommended emotions. I knew far too well that I couldn't play with their feelings but I just couldn't choose one over the other. They both had their flaws, but they both had a spark that attracted me to them.

"At least, I know that I have some time to come to terms with this situation. Ashley won't be out of the hospital for a few more weeks..." I said aloud to no one.

* * *

><p>Time Stamp: <em>1900 ERT Hour Apr. 16. 2186_

* * *

><p>The Normandy had just returned from meeting with the diplomats, we had discussed the galactic involvement against the reaper threat. Up until now, humans seemed to be the only species involved in this reaper war. I fully believed that this was a problem the whole galaxy had to face. All I had to do now was to make sure other species believed that the reapers where their problem as well.<p>

_'Fat chance..'_

I knew that the other organic species were too involved in their own political battles to unite and fight as one. Now it had come down to me, as it always did. And to be honest I was clueless on where to begin.

Stepping into the shower I let the water from the shower head fall down from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. The cooling current putting my body at peace at least for a few minutes. I had been standing under the water for as long as I could but duty called. With a towel wrapped around my lower body, I exited the bathroom and entered my cabin.

_So much for some time of peace._ I thought to myself as I saw the flashing light on my private terminal indicating new messages. I got dressed as I scrolled down the new messages and closed the terminal when I was done. Since there was nothing of importance in the new messages, I headed out to check up on my crew.

Reaching the CIC, Ms. Traynor informed me that Vega wanted to see me down in the Cargo Bay and that we had a few new leads on Cerberus' plans. Plans that were currently being investigated by EDI and Liara.

Before heading down to check out Vega, I called out to Joker on the main comm system.

"Joker. What's the ETA for our next mission?" I asked.

"I'm checking that out now, Commander. But it probably will be a few more days until we reach our next destination." He replied.

"Inform me when you have an update." I told the pilot.

"Will do, Commander." He signed off and I turned towards the elevator to go see Vega.

A few minutes later the ding of the elevator announced my arrival and the doors swished open, revealing the control console at the entrance to the huge belly of the Normandy, which is used as the Cargo bay.

I stood at the entrance and looked around for the Lieutenant before spotting him on the far side of the cargo bay, doing pull ups on a metal bar. Before I could stop myself, I noticed that I was already walking towards him and I quickly reminded myself that although James might seem intimidating, I am Commander 'Fucking' Shepard, after all. I've intimidated a whole Galactic council before..

With a quick laugh to myself, I crossed the remaining distance between us.

"Hey Shepard.. how it go with the council?" He asked casually.

"Same as usual. Unhelpful." I said in the same casual tone.

"Bet you they still wanted you to help them out. No?..." He remained silent and continued doing pull ups after that. A few seconds passed and I wondered if I should leave him be.

"You down here for a reason?" Vega's voice seemed to turn icy.

"It's my ship. I go wherever I want and talk to whomever I want." My reply was just as icy.

"Fair enough. Not sure what there is to talk about." He said.

"I just had a few questions. If you don't mind." I prodded. I needed to know a few thing and this was my chance.

"You think you can dance and talk at the same time?" He asked, his voice taking on a hint of amusement.

A smirk crept up on my lips at that and I nodded my agreement, then I followed him towards the mats.

"Yes, I can. Lieutenant." I told him, because this was one area I was definitely confident in.

"You pulling rank on me boss? We're just soldiers down here, you know?" He squared up in front of me and had the balls to smirk at me again.

"Sure but this soldier will clean the floor with you if you step out of line." I said as my left fist connected with his jaw.

'_This conversation is like killing two birds with one stone.' _I thought to myself as we continued to throw jabs at each other. After he got a lucky shot into my gut he smirked at me once again, which infuriated me.

"So.. Commander, I happened to see some things while down on the Citadel the last time we were there." He threw a couple more jabs my way but they really didn't scratch me.

"I also happened to see you talking privately with a sexy brunette." James finished.

"So what? I talk to a lot of people when I'm on the Citadel." I countered as I landed my left hook on his jaw.

"Yeah... Okay. So, is that fine ass you were talking to... available? You know, I haven't had time to release some pent up stress. Think she'll give me a lil' love?" He asked, he was clearly baiting me.

At that comment my left and right fist connected first with his jaw and then with his nose, making blood begin to trickle down his upper lip.

"Hey, take it easy Loco. I need my pretty face for the ladies." He replied as he smoothed a hand over his jaw.

"Trust me, Miranda wouldn't touch your sorry ass." I walked over to the bench and grabbed the water bottle. Might as well take a drink while he recovers.

"You should let her decided that, Jefe... Though I can tell she's already taken." He seemed to know more than he should and I wasn't going to confirm any suspicions he might have. We began to circle each other like caged animals. The tension was almost palpable.

"She may or may not be, it doesn't really matter in the end. She will never look at the likes of you." I spat at him.

We continued to spar on the mats and it seemed that neither of us was ready to give up. Who knew where this conversation would lead but as it was, I didn't very much like it. It was time to turn the tables of this conversation.

"Why do you care all of a sudden? Isn't Lieutenant Williams enough for you. She can be a hell cat in the sheets, as I remember." I knew it was a low blow but I needed to confirm my thoughts on their relationship. I just hoped Ash never got wind of this conversation, she would have my head.

"No offense Commander but what goes on with me and Ashley is really none of your concern." He said, all teasing gone from his voice.

"You would be surprised at how much it is my concern Vega, this is my ship after all. And maybe you don't care what my reasons for asking where but I won't let you come in between me and my goals. You better get used to that idea." I told him, my voice firm.

At that comment he began to throw erratic punches towards me, hardly landing any.

"And maybe I don't give a fuck what it takes to get what I want." He said in between throws.

I waited for a gap in his movements and when i found it, I sprang for it. My arms became iron chains around him and with all my weight I pinned him to the ground.

"I think you should remember your place."I spat at him.

We glared at each other for a few moments before I released him and turned to go. Grabbing the water bottle, I took a drink and entered the elevator. Leaving James on the floor, with his thoughts.


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

* * *

><p>Location:<em> Citadel Serpent Nebula, Milky Way_

Time Stamp: _0800 ERT Hour/ Apr. 25. 2186_

* * *

><p><strong>Shepard<strong>

* * *

><p>"Shepard, you have a transmission coming in. Do you want me to patch it through?" Joker's voice sounded on the intercom over the CIC.<p>

"Yeah, patch it through to my quarters. I'll be heading up now." I said, turning around from the galaxy map and heading up to my cabin.

These few days since the last mission had been strangely quiet. I was starting to become restless, even my crew was starting to show signs. I was beginning to hope that this transmission would be some sort of assignment. Right now I needed to get off this ship and into battle. I had already spent too much time thinking and worrying about Miranda and Ashley. At least I knew they were safe which relieved my situation a bit. But being stuck with all this time on my hands was giving me a headache. My time pretty much was spent thinking over these women and it wasn't helping.

Some action and gore always helped.

By the time I reached my quarters the light on my terminal was flashing, indicating a new message. Dragging myself over to where the terminal rested on my desk, I pressed in my user code and accessed my private message bank.

**o0o**

_Shepard, If you can spare some time, I need your assistance._

_-Miranda_

**o0o**

Attached to the message were coordinates of a base, it seemed. Miranda was no 'damsel in distress', asking for help was not in her character. I transferred the message into my omni-tool and headed for the door.

"Commander we will be arriving at our destination in approximately ten minutes. Would you like me to gear up for this mission?" EDI's monotone voice came over the comm link.

"Yeah, get ready and let Vega know too. I want you guys ready and armed. We might be met with some resistance." I told her.

Miranda's message had given EDI enough information for us to know that she was in a Cerberus facility and that she was in trouble. Since it was a Cerberus facility, EDI was a suitable squad mate and we needed the fire power and muscle that Vega could contribute.

James and I hadn't really spoken since our little dance and I could sense the animosity that he carried towards me. But fuck it, as long as he did his job and didn't get in the way of missions, I couldn't care less.

So with my armor fully on and my weapons ready and waiting, I headed out to save Miranda.

* * *

><p>Location: <em>Cronos Station Horsehead Nebula, Anadius_

Time Stamp: _1700 ERT Hour/ Apr. 25. 2186_

* * *

><p>We were met with resistance at first and we were still dealing with a few scattered groups but the base was mostly empty. EDI was gathering as much information as she could as we traveled deeper into the base and we still had no idea where Miranda was.<p>

Passing a few more doors, we reached what seemed to be the end of a long hallway. Making our way down the long hall to the only sets of doors at the other end, EDI informed me that it was the main control room and that she detected life forms inside.

"Get ready team." I growled as we accessed the door's locking mechanism and it opened for us.

The first thing I heard was Miranda's weak voice.

I scanned the room but couldn't locate her, so we moved further into the small command center and that's when I saw Miranda's sister being held at gunpoint. Miranda laying on the floor a few feet away.

"The Commander, ah! Excellent timing." The older looking man that held Miranda's sister said as my gun took aim at the center of his wrinkled brow.

"Put the gun down!" I shouted at him.

"No. Oriana tried to shoot me. Miranda's poisonous influence, no doubt." He said bitterly.

Oriana struggled a bit in the mans hold, grabbing his attention for a few seconds. Long enough, at least for me, to move into a better position. As I moved in, I began to taunt him.

"I'm sorry she missed... Where's Kai Leng?" I asked.

"I don't know. Gone. He took my research and left us here to die." His reply was somewhat nervous but he grabbed a firmer hold on Oriana and stepped back a few paces.

"Miranda, can you hear me?" I asked, worried she might be seriously hurt and from the corner of my eye I could see her start to get up. But I could tell that she was weak.

"That's close enough! Both of you!" Their father yelled as he began waving his gun from me to Miranda. Then deciding on something, he trained it on Miranda.

"Kai Leng didn't finish the job, but I will." His fingers, slightly twitching on the trigger. I had to do something and moved in by just a few more steps.

"This ends here." I said.

He began to back away again and I was glad his gun was now pointed at me.

"On the contrary. Now that the Reapers have been taken care of. We have a way out." He said.

"Let Oriana go. It would be for the best." I said, trying to pursue him.

"Shepard..." Miranda said and I looked her way. Her face had scratches all over it and she was holding what looked to be a large gash on her abdomen. I knew I needed to take her out of this place as soon as possible.

"Shepard... Don't let him take her." She continued.

"Don't worry Miranda. I won't." I said trying to reassure her. Turning to her father again, I spoke in my most authoritative voice. "I just want Oriana and the research data. You in return get your life. How much is that worth?"

"You want a lot." He retaliated but I knew I was breaking him down.

"If you try to leave with her you die. Let her go and you walk." That gave him pause, he seemed to think it over and corrected himself.

"Okay you can have them but I want out... alive. Deal?" He said, throwing Oriana onto the floor and EDI quickly grabbed her and shielded her away behind one of the consoles.

As I readied my gun to shoot, I sensed the energy of biotics in the room. Miranda was up and flaring a bright blue, before I knew it the dark energy surrounding her pushed forward and blasted her father right through the glass window behind him.

"No, Deal!" She seethed as her breath came out in hard puffs.

But as soon as the words came out, she collapsed onto the floor. I raced to her side and I knelt beside her, my body hovering protectively around her.

"Miranda? Miranda, I'm so sorry... please don't go." Oriana spoke coming up beside me.

"Shh.. Listen to me... I'll be... Fine." She spoke to her sister but not without a lot of effort.

"EDI? Can you get some readings on her?" I asked, feeling panic seep through my body.

As I hovered above her my hands went over her body, searching for anymore injuries. She gave me a very faint smile as our eyes met, her arm coming up towards me and she rested her palm against my cheek. I couldn't help but lean in to her touch.

"Shepard?..." Her voice came out as a whisper.

"I'm here, Miranda. Don't move you need medical attention." I turned around briefly to look in EDI's direction. "EDI? Is she going to be okay?" Then I looked over at James. " What are you waiting for? Call in the Normandy!"

"Shepard, I... love you." She said in between coughs and I grabbed the back of her head bringing her face closer to mine.

"I love you too, Miranda. Hold on, the Normandy's on her way." I gave her a slight kiss on the lips before bringing her face back into view. Her eyes were glossing over and she became limp in my arms. I couldn't help but feel like I've just been kicked in the chest. Reaching down, I wrapped my other arm around her knees and cradled her onto my chest.

"Miranda?!... Miranda, wake up!" Her sister wailed beside me.

"Ms. Lawson will be okay. Her vitals are weak but she has a high chance of recovery." EDI cut in and it relieved some of my anguish as well as Oriana's.

* * *

><p>Location: <em>The Normandy Nura, Aethon Cluster_

Time Stamp: _1200 ERT Hour/ Apr. 27. 2186_

* * *

><p>"Shepard? I don't suppose you came all the way down here to see me? Did you?" Chakwas asked from her desk. Not bothering to get up.<p>

"How's the patient, doctor?" I asked, walking further into the med bay.

"She's better, as you can see." Chakwas responded as she gestured towards Miranda's empty bed.

"Where is she?" I asked, confused by the absence of the patient.

"She woke up earlier and seemed to be responding better than I predicted. I'm sure it's her unique genetic makeup that sped up her recovery, though I still would have preferred if she would have stayed in bed a bit longer... Said she had to go check up on her sister. I told her that her sister was safely aboard the Normandy as well and that she had been given the Observation deck as quarters until further arrangements were made. But she insisted that she had to see for herself. So, if you still want to see her, I suspect that you will find her there with her sister." She told me.

"Thanks, Doctor." I gave my goodbyes and headed out towards the Observation deck.

_How could she be so careless!... If she wanted to keep her sister safe, she needed to stay alive! _I thought grimly.

As I reached the doors to my destination, I could hear them talking on the other side.

"It's okay Ori, you'll be safe now." Miranda's voice flowed from the other side of the doors.

"I'm just happy you're going to be fine, Miri. You had me worried." Oriana responded as I decided to walk in on them. Miranda saw me first and caught my eyes with hers.

"Give me a minute, okay?" She said to her sister and walked over to me. I could already tell that she was feeling much better, if her feline like walk was any indication.

"Shepard?... I can't believe you really came." She said as her sister left us alone.

My arms voluntarily wrapped around her waist as I spoke. "I'm just glad I got to you in time."

"As am I. Never saw myself as a damsel in distress." She said, seeming a bit embarrassed.

"You survived. Not many damsels in distress can do that." I reassured her.

"I survived because you came to my rescue." She punctuated her statement with a light kiss to my lips.

I tugged her closer. Just to hold her and relish in the thought that she was safe and with me.

"You did well and I'm proud of you." I muttered into her hair.

Miranda leaned in to rest her face on the side of my neck and I began to rub her back in slow circular motions.

"I just needed to keep her safe. I needed to find her. No matter the cost." She murmured into my neck.

"It's okay. You found her. And I found you. That's all that matters." I whispered in return into her ear. We stood like that for a few minutes before she pulled slightly back, well, as much as my embrace would let her.

"Did you worry?" She prodded looking me in the eyes.

I brought one of my arms from around her and pulled her chin up towards me. "Of course I worried."

"I have to get Oriana back home but I'm worried about the reapers." She answered changing the subject.

"Don't worry, we can find her some place safe... together. I have a few new friends on Tuchanka and it seems the Reapers are afraid of going head on with the Krogan right now. If you want we can bring her there. I have a few favors I can cash in. It won't be what she's used to but she'll be safe." I told her.

"You would do that for me Shepard?" She asked, the hope creeping into her voice.

"I would... But I want you to move on back to the Med bay for now, you need rest." I said softly, pleading with her.

"That's not necessary. I feel fine." Miranda argued back.

"It's the Med bay for you and bed rest. Either you go willingly or I force you." I told her more firmly.

"Shepard... That's not necessary, I can assure you that.." Her sentenced was cut off by my next action. I picked her up like a naughty child and hauled her over my shoulder. I tried to avoid her wound as I carried her up to my quarters.

Once safely in my room I put her back down.

"This isn't the Med bay, Shepard." She protested as soon as her feet touched the floor.

"Yes I know that. But I can't lock you into the Med bay, can I?... I assume people will eventually need to go to the Med bay at some point and it is Chakwas office after all. I thought it a better idea to lock you in here where I can keep you as long as needed." I smirked at her as I finished speaking.

"You can't do that, Shepard. I have to make sure Oriana's okay." She tried walking around me but my arm wrapped around her before she had time to pass me.

"She'll be okay and you need your rest. Now, on the bed." I ordered.

At that she smirked and walked towards the bed swaying her hips, in invitation, all the way there.

"But... This bed's so big. And I'll be all alone..." Her hands softly ran over the covers as she sat down on the edge of the bed. My eyes never left hers as I walked over to her, my hand reaching to caress the side of her face as I leaned in for a kiss. Miranda's mouth opened in response and our tongues met and fought for control. The hand I had caressing her face pushed further back to the nape of her neck and grabbed a fistful of her smooth, black hair.

Miranda let out a few moans of pleasure as I sucked on her bottom lip and her arms snaked around my neck bringing me down on top of her. My lips continued to savor her taste as they traveled down to her neck and began suckling on the juncture between her neck and shoulder. Her mind on the other hand had begun to form ideas of her own and her hands reached up to my shirt and tore it open in one strong tug.

"Hey! I liked that shirt." I protested half-heartedly.

"I couldn't help myself." She smirked and her eyes watched me under heavy lids.

I placed myself between her firm thighs and gave a tug to the zipper, revealing the undergarments under the skin-like fabric of her 'armor'. Just then a thought entered my mind.

"_I wear armor into battle not swimwear, Shepard." _Ash's voice echoed in my mind.

"Ashley..." I said to myself or so I thought before I noticed the look on Miranda's face. It was one of anger and pain all mixed up into one.

We lay there for an awkward moment before she tugged her zipper back up.

"I should leave now." Miranda finally said as she shoved me off her. She stood up and walked towards the door, before I could really think things through I called out, but to EDI.

"EDI, Ms. Lawson is not to leave my cabin for any reason." I commanded.

"As you ask, Shepard." EDI's voice sounded throughout the room and Miranda turned to glare at me.

"Really, Shepard? After what just happened you plan to keep me here." She said, disbelief dripping from her voice.

"You still need bed rest." I answered not knowing what to say.

"You didn't seem to think so a few seconds ago... Shepard, I appreciate everything you've done for me but it's best if I leave. Now." She crossed her arms over her chest. A look of determination crossing her features.

"I wasn't asking, Miranda... And I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to say that out loud." I said apologetically.

"Out loud!?... So it's okay for you to think it, but not say it?" She responded sarcastically.

"Miranda... I didn't mean that either. I... just... I've been through alot lately. I'm really sorry. But I do want you to get some rest." I tried convincing her.

"I can get rest someplace else... I promise." Miranda replied looking less angry but still hurt.

"No... You'll stay here. End of discussion." With those last words I walked out and left her locked in behind me.

"EDI?" I called out.

"Yes, Shepard?" came her reply.

"Under no circumstances is Miranda to leave my cabin. Is that understood? Her sister may visit her as well as the doctor, but no one else." I commanded and although I knew that it wasn't right, especially after what had happened, I just couldn't seem to let her go.


	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

* * *

><p>Location: <em>The Normandy Esori, Aethon Cluster_

Time Stamp: _1200 ERT Hour/ Apr. 27. 2186_

* * *

><p><strong>Shepard<strong>

* * *

><p>Oriana's shy voice came from behind me as I said my thanks to Ms. Traynor for the usual updates of our last mission.<p>

"Excuse me... Umm...Commander Shepard? Would it be possible for us to talk in private?... It will only take a few minutes?" she said.

Without speaking I turned towards the elevator and gestured for her to follow me. We took the short ride down to the crew deck and into her makeshift quarters. Where I knew that our conversation would be kept private.

"I thought this would be a good place to talk, since you probably already know that my quarters are currently occupied." I said, trying to get to the point.

"About that.. I just came down from seeing Miranda and... let's just say she's not very happy." She spoke without a hitch but seemed a little nervous to me and bravely she continued.

"Commander, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I really hate seeing my sister like this. She's furious and I'm afraid she might even make a whole in your carpet from all her pacing... She loves you. Miranda might not be so forward about it but I know she does and this isn't fair to her." she pleaded.

_'What the hell is this women talking about?'_ My inner self screamed to me.

"What isn't fair?" I asked her.

Oriana turned towards the view of space behind her as she spoke in a low voice.

"That you want her but think of another. You need to make up your mind... please. My sister doesn't deserve this." she said quietly.

'This is none of your business, lady.' I wanted to say but my mouth and brain weren't thinking the same.

"I understand and I promise to speak with her as soon as I can." I said instead.

"Please do." she said shortly.

This seemed to be the end to our conversation since she turned from me and spoke no longer. I took that as a sign to leave and headed upstairs to my cabin. I would have to face Miranda sometime, might as well be now.

It took me only a few minutes to reach the small space in front of my cabin door. I mentally prepared myself for the war that was about to be raged and secured my most nonchalant expression across my face before entering the pass code into the door console.

As the doors slid opened I could see Miranda's figure sprawled out across my bed. Slowly, I walked closer to her, hoping not to wake her. Suddenly, I was wrapped in a biotic stasis and Miranda slowly sat up from the bed.

"Do you really think I would have just gone to sleep?" The sarcasm was dripping off her words.

"Tsk, tsk, Shepard. You should know me better." She walked towards me until she was within breathing distance. I wanted to lean in and kiss her senseless, but I couldn't move.

"Miranda, this isn't playing fair." I protested.

"Playing fair?... Playing fair!... Are you kidding me?.. You're telling me that I don't play fair but then you turn around and go play guns and roses with that tomboy!" she nearly screamed.

"Miranda, let's talk." I said calmly, though my anger at her show of force was raging just below the surface.

"You know what Shepard?... It's okay. I can understand that you might be confused, I can even understand that you aren't ready for what 'us' entails... I'll give you, your space. Just let me go and I'll be able to give you all the space you need." she said, feigning nonchalance, I knew better.

"You know I can't do that, Miranda." I told her.

"Why the bloody hell, not? " She seethed without releasing her hold on the biotic energy surrounding me.

"Because, I can't and let me remind you that I don't take lightly the way your acting." I taunted and it got to her. Miranda's eyes turned murderous and she was in such a rage that her concentration slipped just enough for me to get loose.

I took that opportunity to grab her by the wrists and push her towards the bed. Stumbling, we fell together. Thankfully, I managed to land on top of her, successfully stopping her from fighting me off. She struggled for a bit but I didn't relinquish my hold, so little by little she gave up her attempts but still refused to meet my eyes.

"Listen, Miranda...Look at me, please." By now her hands had gone limp in mine and I risked releasing one of them so that I could use my new freed hand to lift her chin to face to me.

"Miranda.. I do love you..." I said pointedly, hoping the convey the truth in the words.

"Shepa.." I put a finger to her lip so that she could let me say what I needed to say.

"I do love you...God, Miranda you gave me my life back... How can I not love you? You're special to me...But what I feel for you is not like what I feel for Ash. It's different and I really don't understand it myself, but it is. I just need you to give me time, right now with the war and everything else i'm feeling confused. I'm not asking you to wait around forever, just enough time for me to get things into perspective." I said, pulling my hand back.

I couldn't help my body's reactions to Miranda. Hell, what man could. She had it all and then some. She was laying there under me, so calm but so withdrawn. I couldn't do this to her. I couldn't do this to Ashley. I couldn't keep them in limbo, no matter how much I wanted to have them both. I gave Miranda's sad expression one final look and my heart constricted. The sight of her glassy eyes, her reddened cheeks and her brave mask, hurt. My hands involuntarily seeked out hers and our fingers intertwined with one another.

"I'm sorry, Miranda. You don't deserve this... I.." I was at a lost for words at this point. I felt like scum and the way she was looking up at me didn't help me feel any better.

"Shepard, I love you. But 'us' can never happen if the love is not mutual..." I opened my mouth to interrupt but her pleading gaze stopped me.

"Just answer me one question…" She brought one of our intertwined hands to caress my face awkwardly " Do you feel anything for me... Anything that could lead to real love someday?"

"I do feel for you, I just want to be sure what it is I feel, before trying to do anything else. I don't want to hurt, anyone. Especially if those people are close to my heart." I told her honestly.

"I want us to work, I want it to work so badly it hurts but if you need time, I'm willing to give it to you." She lifted her forehead to lightly graze mine, her eyes locking on mine. Our noses rubbed intimately and her breath caressed my lips.

"So, I guess that now you'll let me go down to the observatory. I could make it my chambers for the time that I am aboard the Normandy. I won't be so far away." she said softly.

I released her in one fluid movement and stood up at the edge of the bed, extending her my hand to help her up. "Fine, you win this one." I begrudgingly said as she came up, she leaned in closer to me than completely necessary and whispered softly into my ear.

"I won this one and I'll win the war. I love you and I'll fight for you. If your tomboy wants you back she better be armed to her teeth, because this is a war I don't plan to lose." With that she walked out and left me behind in complete shock. Before I had any time to process what was happening Joker's voice came over the comm system.

"Commander, Uh.. we just received a transmission from the Citadel. I think you should hear this." he said.

"Patch it through, Joker." I told him. A few seconds of white noise came through the intercoms before a faded yet urgent voice came on.

"To any vessels incoming, the Citadel is under attack. Cerberus has infiltrated the station. I repeat, The Citadel is not safe. Cerberus has infiltrated the station."

Panic slowly began to build in my veins, as questions began to race through my head. Only one name came to the forefront of my mind. Ashley.

"Joker?" I almost shouted out.

"Yeah, Commander... I already know.. We are currently in route to the Citadel as we speak. Anything else, boss man?" he asked.

"Yeah, have Vega and Miranda suit up, we're going ground side once we arrive. Tell them to be ready for a fight and possible heavy reinforcements." I told him, trying to keep the panic from my voice.

With that the comm link died, my body began it's automated process of suiting up.


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

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><p>Location:<em> Zakera Ward Citadel_

Time Stamp: _1800 ERT Hour/ May.01.2186_

* * *

><p><strong>Ashley<strong>

* * *

><p>Sweat trickled down my forehead, making some strands of my loose hair stick lightly to the side of my face. My legs pushed harder...faster, trying to find a way out of this mess. Adrenaline was pumping wildly in my veins and my mind's only focus was the safety of the council members. The harder part of rounding them up was done with, although I still had one councilor currently MIA. Around us chaos had exploded and frantic people rushed around trying to reach their own safety. There was no one around to help out as far as I could see and the dragging pace the councilors behind me kept was enough to draw a huge target on us.<p>

By chance we ran by a stocking elevator hidden from view behind the main C-Sec office and my tactical side was already calculating all other possible exits. As soon as a plan conjured in my head, I rushed the remaining councilors through the elevator doors and tapped on the panel to bring us down to the shipping docks. Hopefully with some luck we could find a way out down there.

I could hear gunfire all around us and with every shot, my heart beat a second faster.

_Damn it Ash, keep it together! Your first Specter mission and you cannot fuck up! _A voice in my head screamed. I looked down at my shotgun making sure I had enough heat sinks and reloaded the current clip with a fresh one. As the dejected clip fell on the ground, a hard thud was made over head.

"Did you hear that?" I questioned, but more to myself.

Reflexes kicked in and I shielded the councilors with one arm extended in front of them and took blind aim at the ceiling with the other, firing a few shots.

"Get down!" I ordered, my voice stern.

As I shot a few more rounds, one of the councilors managed to stop the elevator and I rushed them out as fast as I could, waiting for all of them to exit before I flanked them. Thankfully we had exited on the cabi station and it seemed pretty deserted, so we ran towards the docking console. By the time we reached it, I noticed that the shuttle on stand by had been shot down.

"Damn it!" I cursed out loud. "Everyone back towards the elevator."

Though when I turned towards the direction of the elevators my heart completely stopped. Those fierce eyes met mine and relief flooded through me.

_Hero-man came through, _I thought before I noticed who was standing on his right. _ It's her! How could he bring... HER!_

My gaze slowly traveled to her and the icy gaze she gave me told me everything I needed to know. Then I saw where her gun was aimed at and I noticed that Shepard also had his pistol pointed at me.

"Shepard?" Amazement and resentment clear in my voice.

"He's blocking our escape, Shepard's with Cerberus." Udina spoke up trying to instigate the situation further, so without turning to face him I let him know exactly who was in charge at the moment.

"Udina, let me handle this." I said curtly.

Focusing my attention on Shepard again, I continued.

"Shepard, guns down." I said carefully, not sure what this was about.

I eyed Shepard's posture and he didn't seem to relax. By this point I noticed that James was flanking him too, though his gun was lowered and his stance seem undecided on who's side to stand on.

"I've come for Udina, you don't have to get involved." The grip on my gun tightened hearing his harsh tone.

_Why is he acting like this?_ I thought._ It's that bitch, she has her claws so deep in him!_

"You're wrong Shepard. I have to involve myself, I'm all that's left." I guess the tone in my voice told him I wasn't backing down and his stance became less rigid before he spoke again.

"You've all been fooled! The Salarian Councilor confirmed it. Udina's with Cerberus!" he yelled, addressing everyone but looking directly in my eyes.

My head was spinning. _Udina couldn't be behind this. Could he? _All of this was way too much for me and things were getting out of hand.

"Please, you have no proof! You never do!... In fact I have proof he's lying." Udina spoke up again beside me. He came closer and opened a video feed on his omni-tool that displayed Lawson gunning down the Salarian Councilor and Shepard standing behind her. Doing nothing to stop her.

"What more proof do you need, Specter Williams? We have to go, eliminate the threats and let's get out of here." Udina commanded.

This couldn't be happening. My heart didn't want to except what was in front of my eyes. I had to act quickly, that Cerberus cheerleader seemed to have an itchy trigger finger and she was pointing the gun at me.

"Shepard, stand down. I really don't want to do this, but I will." My voice breaking a bit as I said it.

"Ash..." His words failed him but his eyes told me that he didn't want to be in this situation either.

"You know what's at stake. You have to trust me, please... I'm on your side but you have to believe in me. Like you use to." he said, more gently than before.

_Could it be possible? Shepard wouldn't lie about something like this. Would he? No..No, this is all messed up. I promised him.. I promised myself that I would trust him...maybe not with my heart but I have too with the mission. Damn it! Damn it all to hell! I owe him this. He's never deserved my distrust in the first place, I can't do it again... I can't leave him to her._

"It's not time to give up on you... and I do trust you, skipper." I said weakly.

The use of my nickname for him brought a smile to his face, one which I hadn't known I had missed. That smile was quickly wiped away as a shot rang out. Then the world slowed, time slowed and black edged my vision.

* * *

><p><strong>Shepard<strong>

* * *

><p>"Ash..." I whispered.<p>

_She's so stubborn... so... hard-headed. Why doesn't she listen to me? I'm her goddamn superior officer, for fucks sake!_

"You know what's at stake. You have to trust me, please... I'm on your side but you have to believe in me. Like you use to." I said, trying to convey the plea in my voice.

My mind screamed for her to trust me. She was angry, that much I could tell and by the way her eyes went from me to Miranda, she wasn't only angry at our current situation.

"It's not time to give up on you... and I do trust you, skipper." She spoke softly and lowered her shotgun.

A smile spread on my face, at her use of her nickname for me. _That's my girl._

Before I had any time to react to what was happening, that bastard let loose a shot that was headed straight towards her back. In one quick motion, it hit her lower back and she crumbled to the floor. My instincts took over and I drilled him one between the eyes before rushing over to her limp form. Scanning her with my omni-tool, I noticed that the bullet had only grazed her slightly but the force of it had made her hit her head against the titanium floor.

My earpiece turned on and Joker's voice rang out.

"Commander, C-Sec has managed to get the situation under control. Where you able to reach the councilors?" he asked.

"Yeah, I have two of the Councilors with me. I need the Normandy on stand by, I'll send James with them up there. I have to bring Ashley up to Huerta Memorial." The feed was cut and I faced my current squad.

"Vega, up to the Normandy and escort them out of here. Miranda, make sure that C-Sec gets Udina's body." I ordered.

For a moment I thought that they would fight my orders but they turned and walked away. Ashley's head was still rested on my lap and her breathing was stable for the moment being. Gently, I picked her up and cradled her against my chest. Checking her for wounds and noticing that the shot wasn't a penetrating one.

I was half way up to the hospital before she began waking. Her face pressed against my chest and she took a long intake of breath. Wrinkling her nose as if in recognition of the scent that was assaulting her senses, she opened her eyes and stared up at me.

"Hi." I said lamely.

For a second she looked confused, then she looked around and realized what must have happened. She struggled in my hold but I wasn't about to let her go.

"Stop struggling, I'm not gonna let go. Besides you just suffered a concussion... again.. might I add and you aren't ready to be up and about." I told her.

"Shepard.." She growled in response. "Let go, I can take care of my damn self. Besides don't you have a Barbie to go play with?" The last bit said with sarcasm.

"Ash.." The apology already in my voice.

"Ash.. nothing! You're... You're with her! I can't believe, I believed you... you.. you!" She said, seething.

She began to struggle harder and I was losing my grip on her knees. I looked around quickly to make sure that no one was around before I tighten my hold on her upper body and pushed her up against the nearest wall. Since she was still in my arms, the pressure of the wall on the other side of her raised her up enough for her face to meet mine evenly. Before she had any more time to argue, I pressed my lips roughly against hers. She fought the kiss for a few seconds but quickly melted in my hold and wrapped her arms around my neck. Slowly, I traced my tongue on her lower lip, seeking entrance but she continued refused me. So, I did the next best thing. I bit down gently on that lower lip and the surprise gasp from her gave me the entrance I needed. The kiss was raw, passionate. My arms let go of her legs and her body slid down mine, her arms never leaving their purchase on my shoulders. I re-wrapped my arms around her waist this time and pressed her firmer against the wall. She was trapped and I took full advantage of the situation. One of my hands sliding up to find its way to the nape of her neck and wrapped my fingers in her hair, forcing her face and lips closer to me. The other arm wrapped tighter around her waist, keeping her in place.

We pulled away as our lungs protested the lack of air but my hands never left their posts. She on the other hand scowled at me, her lips swollen from my unexpected assault on them.

"That was a cheap trick, Shepard." she said breathlessly.

"I know but sometimes you just don't know when to shut up. Besides, I couldn't resist." I smiled down at her.

"You know this doesn't change anything. I know you're with her. The icy glare she gave me earlier translates to 'That's my man, keep off!' And right now Shepard, we're in the middle of a war and I'm not getting involved in any cat fights for you." she said, the sarcasm attempting to cover her anger.

"As much as seeing you and Miranda fighting over me appeals to my ego, I wouldn't do that to you. Contrary to what you believe of me, I do love you." I told her, honestly.

Her eyes seemed to glaze over at my words and she leaned in to give me a tender kiss. When we broke apart again she spoke up.

"I love you too but as long as you're with her, there can't be anything between us. I'll still have your back in this war, I wanna share the burden of defeating this invasion... if you let me. But I won't share your bed and there can't ever be any more stolen moments like this. You've made your choice and I accept that." She told me firmly.

To say that I was speechless was an understatement. Her words cut deep but I slightly understood her, though I didn't agree.

"Ashley, I'll always want you by my side. But... know that I have no plans of letting you go. Not to Vega, not to anyone. You're mine and that's how I plan to keep it." I leaned in and gave her one last rough kiss before stepping away.

"And Williams?" I added.

"Yeah?" She asked breathless.

"The Normandy leaves at oh-eight hundred hours, I expect my XO there ready for duty." I told her.

"Aye, aye captain." she said with a salute.


	10. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

* * *

><p>Location: <em>Normandy Serpent Nebula_

Time Stamp: _1800 ERT Hour/ May.01.2186_

* * *

><p><strong>Shepard<strong>

* * *

><p>These last few days had been nothing short of hectic. After the Citadel incident we had been from mission to mission non-stop. Today was going to be different, I had plans to relax a bit for once. Garrus had messaged me earlier in the day, something about doing something 'fun' for a change. We had some time before our next mission and I needed to check up on the rebuilding process at the Citadel.<p>

As I got up to wash my face, Joker's voice boomed from the speakers in my cabin.

"Commander,... um.. Ash and Miranda are in the middle of a.. disagreement. Can you break it up before they tear out the bulkhead or something?" he asked, sounding nervous.

"I'll deal with it." I said, before walking out my door.

"Take pictures!" he added lightly.

_Just what I needed._ I thought to myself sarcastically before boarding the elevator and tapping the panel to bring me down to the commotion.

As I neared the crew's mess hall I could slightly see a blue shimmer reflected off the southern wall and I knew instantly that this would end bad. Reaching the scene, I could see that all the chairs had been tossed around and the crew had gathered around the women. Chakwas was standing in between them, surely trying to calm down the situation. No one had seen me yet, so I laid back for a bit to see what the situation was about before I interfered.

"You're as much of a terrorist as them! What makes you think you're any different? If it wasn't for this damn war, I would put you down personally!" Ash yelled in the other woman's direction.

From my viewpoint I could see Ashley's flushed cheeks and angry glare. For the moment, I was glad I wasn't in between them.

"You're just an Alliance lap dog, that follows whatever your master orders of you!... I will admit that Cerberus isn't one of the best organizations out there but at least, I was allowed my freedom. They gave me an assignment, paid me for it and I got it done. I wasn't questioned or patronized, I was valued. But you wouldn't know about that, would you? Not matter how good you think you are, the Alliance has only noticed you because of Shepard." Miranda spat back.

"I'm going to enjoy killing you!" Ashley growled and her stance became more aggressive.

Miranda's biotics flared and her stance changed to match Ashley's.

"Touch me and I'll paint the walls with you." she warned.

And that was my cue to step in.

"Enough! Both of you, stand down!" I said as I stepped in between them.

Everyone gathered, turned towards me with different expressions. Some scared shitless, mostly the newer recruits. Chakwas looked at me with relief and others like James, just huffed at the interruption I had created. Both Ash and Miranda turned their murderous gazes on me. Ashley, breaking the silence first.

"Shepard, I didn't know you still kept terrorists aboard the Normandy. She can't be left to spread her filth. Who knows, she might be bugging the place as we speak." Her stance relaxed and she crossed her arms in front of her chest. A smirk pouting her lips.

"Williams.." I warned with a disapproving look but she just shrugged it off.

"Maybe he should just keep his 'lap dog' contained, instead. She can might be rabid." Miranda retorted but her biotic glow evaporated.

"What I do is my business, you two on the other hand are to be a deck apart at all times. Understood?" I commanded.

"She can't be trusted Shepard, She'll jeopardize the whole mission. You can't guarantee that she's no longer with Cerberus." Ash bit out.

"You shouldn't concern yourself with who I recruit for this mission. My opinion is what matters here. I personally know that Miranda is no longer working with them and she proved herself enough during our encounters with the collectors. Her loyalty is not in question." I explained.

Hurt flashed in her eyes before being replaced with anger. She took a few steps back and to my endless aggravation, James reached out from behind her and placed his hand on her upper back.

"Thank you, Shepard." Miranda said as she came to stand closer to me.

"Miranda, I heard what you said about Lieutenant Williams and for future reference she has reached her station thanks to her hard work. She was already a great soldier when she joined me on the original Normandy and I had nothing to do with that." I gave her an equally stern look before I spoke out to the rest of them.

"Everyone else... What the fuck are you all standing around for? Get to it! We have a war to fight, it's not play time!" I looked toward the two trouble makers and spoke to them directly. "As for you two, either get along or stay far apart. I need both of you here but I can't have these personal issues interrupting the rest of the crew."

"Aye, aye. Commander."

"What ever you say, Shepard."

"That...that man makes me furious!... You just... don't understand..." My hand came up towards my forehead and wiped away some of the loose strands of hair there.. I had been pacing non stop since we had reached the cargo bay. James knew not to interrupt me so he just stood back, leaned up against the console.

"He just doesn't understand... I mean.. How can he?...She's up to something, I know she is." I said in frustration.

"You never know Ash... I mean she could be loyal to Shepard..." I turned to glare at him at that statement and he knew to shut up.

"Don't even go there with me, James! That bitch doesn't know the meaning of loyalty. Don't you dare take her side now!" I growled at him.

"I'm not taking her side, Ashley. I'm trying to be the reasonable one here and I've seen how she acts around the Commander. I don't think she would betray him." He tried to explain, but just served to make me angrier.

"And what have you seen, exactly?" I asked agitated and crossed my arms over my chest, staring him down.

"All I know... is that... " He put his hand on the back of his neck, massaging the area before continuing. "Listen, scuttlebutt has it that the _Jefe_ is sweet on the operative. He did put a lot of effort into the recovery of her sister and after that Ms. Lawson did spend a few days locked in his cabin." James told her, avoiding her eyes.

He let those new pieces of information sit in the air between us as he gauged my reaction.

"Hey.. Don't get me wrong.. Rumors are just that, rumors. But when I think about it, she does have those eyes when it comes to him.." he said.

I just stood there. No expression on my face. After a few minutes I turned and walked out. Leaving James behind to plot.

_This can't be happening, this can't be happening. All these years and I'm going to lose him to a terrorist? He loves me.. Doesn't he?... This is driving me crazy!_

I needed to get out of the Cargo bay as soon as the words had left James mouth. His words hurt too much to hear. At this point I needed some serious medication to go to bed. My mind needed to stop thinking about him. About Shepard and all the things that would never happen again between us.

_I'm done with you, Shepard. I'm no one's second best._

After about a good hour in the shower, I was ready to knock out for the rest of the night. My body hurt in places I never knew existed and my muscles couldn't stand anymore strain. I dressed as quickly as possible and walked over to the control panel on the wall to set on the Privacy Protocol for my cabin. Faintly, I heard the beeping of my personal terminal and debated with myself whether to check it out now or wait until I awoke in the morning. Deciding that it was a better idea to check the message now, in case any time sensitive information was within it.

**_o0o_**

_Sender: Unknown_

_To: Unknown_

_Re: (Refer to Attachment.)_

_Shepard, I hope you know that you're not the only one._

The message was short and to the point. Most likely an untraceable message. Quickly, I clicked on the attachment and an old message appeared on my screen.

_From: Ashley Williams (ashley. alliance .sa)_

_Sent: June 17, 2183 22:03 ERT_

_To: Sarah Williams (randori-girl )_

_Subject: Re: Hey sis_

_James left today. He's been reassigned to one of the new Rapid Response Bases out in the Kepler Verge. Lucky bastard. It's like the ancient west out there — pirates and slavers coming out of the Terminus Systems all the time. He gets to play the cavalry, riding out in frigates any time someone's house gets burned down._

_I made some speech about how he was a valuable asset to the squad and he better make us look good out there, blah blah. I suck at speeches. But I meant every word of this one. I will miss him. Although I was cribbing from something I read back in history class. I don't think anyone noticed._

_I'm going to miss him alot. Don't tell anyone._

_So you think James is cute, eh? Yeah, well, when you said I should "go for him"... Let's just say that I'm not so sure about that, kiddo. See, we have rules about "fraternization". You don't do The Deed with your fellow troops, especially if they're under you in rank. Even if I wanted to. There's all sorts of problems that can happen when two people in the same unit get together._

_Let's say your unit is in a tight spot. Some bug-eyed aliens are going to overrun the galaxy. They eat babies, smell bad, and don't have elbows. Nasty. You're told to guard the rear. To let everyone else escape, someone is ordered "hold this spot until we're gone." Someone has to be left behind. You think it's going to be someone you're sleeping with?_

_I've served with these guys for eight months now. Yeah, some of them make me feel tingly (and yeah, James was kinda scruffy-cute). I hope I never have to decide who lives and who dies. But if I have to, my decision can't be muddled up by magic-sparkly-hearts-and-stars feelings. At least not again._

_I'm not saying I don't want to give it a try. Hell, a girl's got itches that need to be scratched, but I'm just not sure. I'll think about it, promise. But don't get your hopes up, it can't be nothing serious. Rules are rules._

_Anyways, I'm gonna knock off here. I've got dog watch in a few hours. Want to get a shower and a meal before then. Talk to you tomorrow._

_- Ash_

_**This message originated from an Alliance military network. It has been censored at transmission source for security purposes.**_

_**o0o**_

_So, she has itches that need fucking scratching?_ And she goes to that hot-head James for that 'relief'. I'm going to kill him... No, scratch that. I'm going to kill her... I don't give three-shits about how she feels right now but she better not be with Vega. I swear... If I catch her... I'm capable of.. of. throwing him out of the airlock and locking her in my room until she becomes gray all over.

"EDI?" I called out to the ceiling.

"Yes, Commander?" The computerized voice spoke.

"Where on the ship is Lieutenant Williams?" I asked calmly.

"Ms. Williams is on the starboard observation deck." EDI responded.

"Is she alone?" I asked.

"I believe so. My scans don't indicate any other life forms with her." came the answer.

I thought about that for a second before responding.

"EDI, I need you to completely lock down that deck until I reach it. Once I'm there please be kind enough to set the Privacy setting for that deck." I ordered.

"Yes, Commander. Anything else?" she asked.

"No, thank you EDI. That will be all." I told her.

Static came over the comms for a few seconds signaling that the connection had been cut. I looked around my cabin for a shirt to throw on and walk over to her deck. There were many things we needed to talk about, Vega being one of those things.


	11. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

* * *

><p>Location:<em> Normandy Serpent Nebula_

Time Stamp: _2100 ERT Hour/ May.01.2186_

* * *

><p><strong>Ashley<strong>

* * *

><p>The cool glass against my forehead was doing nothing to calm the fiery pit of emotions that wrecked havoc inside me. Looking out to the vast nothingness of space, I grew a little emptier inside. The Normandy was gently cruising the sea of stars outside the observation deck's large window heading towards another mission probably. Life aboard the ship that I once called home was not like it once was. The crew was different and although some of the old squad was back together, it would never be the same again.<p>

_But Shepard's still here_... A voice in the back of my mind echoed.

"Shepard..." His name was a soft whisper against my lips but my heart pounded no less at its mention. Then my thoughts switched over to Her, and knots began to form in my gut. My mind screamed to me that he wasn't the same man. That the man I loved was lost with the old Normandy. Yet my heart beat the same if not twice as fast when he was around. James' passion only sates my body but deep inside, my heart whimpers at his touch. I know that my emotions are a wreck and nothing to go by - the strength of my mind is my only friend; though sometimes I question even that.

I question the motives behind everything and everyone, the double intentions of every situation. It once was that I could follow both my heart and mind and everything would fall into place, but now everything was unknown. The world was crashing around me and I couldn't find anything to grasp onto.

In the back of my thoughts I could hear the telltale sign of the mechanical locks to the observation deck's only door. Instinctively, I turned to face the sound and was welcomed by the sight of the door being shut off. Crossing the room in three long strides, I banged on the door with no result.

"EDI!?" My voice was harsh though an underlying tone of surprise still remained.

"Yes, Lieutenant Williams? Is there anything I can help with?" EDI's monotone voice filled the room around me.

"Yes, yes you can, in fact. Open.. these.. Damn doors!" I growled.

" I cannot do that Lieutenant Williams." she replied matter-of-factly.

"And why the hell not?" I barked, fuming at the disembodied voice of the ship's AI.

"I have direct orders from Commander Shepard, to keep this section of the of the deck on full lock down." she explained.

The anger that I felt earlier during the confrontation with Miranda only reared its ugly head once again. I was practically fuming.

"How long am I supposed to stay in here?!" I yelled, exasperation seeping through my voice.

"I believe the Commander will be there shortly. You may ask him, if you wish." she said, with a hint of something in her voice … amusement? Damned AI.

"You damn right I will." I said to myself more than to EDI, this time.

Striding back to the where I was just standing, I could feel the tension building in my muscles. Let alone, the anger searing in my belly. Wrath that had been pent up for years was finally coming to the surface. It would have to be now or never. Our story would reach its conclusion today or it would begin a new chapter. Either way, Shepard wasn't getting out of this one unscathed.

* * *

><p><strong>Shepard<strong>

* * *

><p>Anger, no, pure and undiluted rage ran through my veins. Part of me knew that what I was feeling was unfair to Ashley, but I couldn't help myself. The thought of her in another man's arms was driving me to the breaking point, especially after what I had read. The endless elevator ride down to the deck she was stationed on wasn't helping matters much. Anger as hot as lava was sitting in the pit of my stomach and with every second that passed, I could feel myself choking on the hazardous fumes that my thoughts had become.<p>

The low ding of the elevator signaled my arrival and I hastily rushed out as soon as the doors opened. I took a sharp turn and headed down the hall that lead to her. As I passed, some crew members had the decency to look busy at their work, while others blatantly gaped at me. The look on their faces told me that the anger boiling inside me was also visible to the outside world and that gave me a sick satisfaction. She would know I wasn't playing and that gave more spark to the already raging inferno within.

I reached her door and my rage boiled over the edge as I saw Vega standing there trying to gain access.

"May I ask, what the fuck you're doing here, Vega? Don't you have work to do?" I spat at him in the Commander voice.

"Eh... Ah.. Commander? I was just.. just trying to see if Ash... I mean, Lieutenant Williams, was alright after that fight she had with Ms. Lawson. Gotta keep the ground team's morale up, right?" James nervously spit out as I glared daggers at him.

" Well, Vega let me inform you that keeping up the 'morale' is my job, not yours. As for the Lieutenant, don't worry about her. She is no longer of your concern." I warned.

The last bit I said more as a threat and by the look of him, he had gotten the hint. His eyes sized me up and a glint touched his eyes before he gave me a grunt of a response and walked away.

I turned towards the door again and took in a deep breath.

"EDI, unlock the door and make sure no one disturbs us. I will be out shortly." I ordered - much more softly than the order I'd given Vega.

"Yes, Commander." As her voice faded out, the panel in front of the door changed colors, granting me access.

Slowly, I stepped into the room and gazed around, scanning the surrounding area and locating her in the far off corner towards the large glass wall. Ashley turned towards me quickly and the rosy blush across her cheeks indicated that she was angry as well. Her fists balled at her sides and her stance changed. The dark brown eyes that peered back at me, glittered with threatening tears, her lips pink and swollen from her nervous biting. Perky breasts puffed out, pressing against her Alliance fitted uniform in a defying posture and her heated gaze didn't waver as I approached her.

It only took a few steps to reach her but when I did, a fist connected to my lower jaw.

"What the fuck is going on with you, Shepard. You can't just lock me in here just because I offended your little girlfriend." She fumed, though when her other fist tried to connect with my face once again, my reflexes kicked in. Thrusting my arm out, I barely caught her fist in my hand and turned quickly, still grasping one of her arms, to reach for her other arm.

Ashley struggled within my vice grip but for all her effort, I was still bigger and stronger. Pinning her arms with my elbows, I wrapped my remaining arm around her upper back making sure to hold on tight. She wiggled and kicked at me but was too tightly contained to get a good shot at me.

"Let go! Let go you bastard. Haven't you had enough?" She said as she tried to ram her head against mine.

I told myself that I was only trying to contain her rage until she settled but the way she was struggling against me, against my hold was bringing my thoughts in the wrong direction.

"Ash... Please calm down." I soothed.

"Ash?!... Ash?! Don't you dare! I've had enough of this, of you! As soon as I'm able, I want out! Out!" With those words her head turned in my direction and she aimed another head butt but not before my lips captured hers.

I wanted to posses her, tame her. My lips teased her softer ones, nipping at her lower lip. Instead of responding she bit me back, that only urged me on. She had stopped struggling against my hold and I loosened it to press my hands on her lower back, closing the distance between us. Her palms traveled up my torso and she pressed them roughly against my chest. At that I let go of her lips and traveled kisses up her jaw to nibble at her ear.

"Don't fight me Ash." I breathed in her ear as I continued to lick and nibble at the sensitive flesh around her earlobe.

"I don't want this." I felt her murmur against me.

One of my hands traveled up her spine and into the mass of hair that met me at the nape of her neck. Roughly, I yanked at it and she gasped at the feeling. I looked into her already glazed eyes, looking for anything that would tell me she wanted this as much as me. Her silence as she watched me told me everything I needed and I dove in to plunder what awaited me at her lips.

Surprisingly, they parted for me and my tongue lunged in search of it's better half. My mind clouded and I lost all focus of the reasons that had brought me here. With Ashley it was instinctual. She fought and I baited but in the end it came down to this common passion, this overwhelming need for each other. I could feel it in her too, as her hands wrapped around my neck and her body pressed into mine. It had been too long since we had been like this. Far too long. Deep inside of me I knew that sex wasn't the answer to our problems but nothing else mattered at this moment. It was just us two.

Of their own accord my hands slipped down to her zipper and released her creamy breasts for my exploration. Lightly tracing my lips down her neck, I found a path that lead me to one of her erect nipples. I suckled on the tip for a moment, only to have her press her breast against my face. Opening my mouth a bit more, I took in more of her nipple into my mouth, licking and biting the tip in turns. My hands found their way down her spine once again and I grabbed onto her buttocks, bringing her up my body. Her long, shapely legs wrapped themselves around me and I walked us back into the long cushioned seat that was behind us. Softly, I laid her back against the seat and my hands went up to the zipper that lay unattended at the front of her suit.

"Shepard, wait." Her voice thick and gruff.

My hand stopped in its place and I glanced up at her. Her cheeks were flushed and her lips swollen from more than just her biting. Stormy emotions pooled in her eyes but then her hand came up to press gently on the nape of my neck and urged me forward. When our lips met, I kissed her passionately, telling her everything I felt through the burning kisses. My hand resumed it's tugging of her zipper and before long, her beautiful flesh was revealed to me in all it's glory. I painted a path up her navel and stomach to her breast and seized one in the palm of my hand. Slowly, I maneuvered her nipple in between my pointer and middle finger and as I squeezed her breast, I rolled her nipple in between my fingers. She moaned and molded her chest into my hold. My other hand made it's way towards her navel and made quick work of her remaining uniform. I released her just a bit then, to lean back and view the site before me.

Ashley was spread out on the sofa, wantonly looking up at me. Her nipples erect and her thighs quivering in excitement. She was fully naked and exposed to me. I loved it. As quick as possible I did away with my own clothing, revealing to her my erect shaft already standing at attention for her. Her tongue slipped out to wet her lower lip and a low growl escaped my lips.

My eyes wandered to the apex of her thighs where her gleaming folds awaited my attention. I plunged into that sweet, hot center and drove my tongue deep inside of her. Her strong upper thighs pressed against the sides of my head but that didn't deter me from my goal. My fingers traveled up her thighs loosening their hold on my head. They reached her folds and parted them for me, giving me better access to her. With the tip of my thumb I began slow, torturous strokes against her swollen nub, never decreasing the speed or force of my tongue.

She moaned and gasped with the usual string of curses in between. Her hands held my head in place as she buried herself against my face. Moving my hands to squeeze her ass cheeks, I bit her pulsing clit, sending spasms up her body.

"Ohhh... Fuck!... I want you deep inside me. Now!" Ashley begged.

My left hand released her bottom, only to stroke my jerking shaft. I began my slow, torturing trail up her body, flicking my tongue at her nipples as I passed them. My lips found hers and she licked up the remaining juices off my lips. We fought for dominance in the kiss, biting, sucking and licking each other into submission. I lined up my cock to her already moist and hot center. Teasing her slit with the head of my shaft. She purred into my mouth and I couldn't resist any longer.

I plunged all the way in, pinning her pelvis to the couch under her. I rammed into her, rubbing the base of my shaft on her clit as I dipped in and out. Her convulsing became wild and I grasped her hips to keep her still. The nails on her fingers leaving a burning path down my spine. I could feel her inner walls clenching around the intrusion.

Ashley bucked wildly against my thrusting, making noises I was sure could be heard all over the ship. I released her lips to clamp down on her neck, leaving impressions of my teeth on her soft throat.

"Mine." I gruffly said into her ear as I continued to invade her channel. Knowing she would burst at any second, I pulled out completely leaving her whimpering like a kitten. Standing up from our position on the couch, I grabbed at her waist and flipped her over. Her hands propped themselves on the back of the couch while her knees rested, parted on the seat. Her heart shaped rump, thrusted into the air and her breasts hanging heavily over the back of the seat. She was perfect and with all the anger that I had come here with, I pressed one hand onto her lower back, digging my fingers into her skin. My other hand grabbed a fist full of hair and maneuvered her spine into a 'C' like shape. As I lined up my cock with her entrance, I spoke to her.

"Ash, whenever you have an itch..." I rubbed my cock against her dripping pussy. "That needs scratching..." Thrusting all the way in her with a punishing force, I finished. "I have the perfect solution for you."

* * *

><p><strong>Ashley<strong>

* * *

><p>His penetration was rough and powerful, his statement causing a chill to run up my skin and my senses extended to impossible places. His hand at my hip was unrelenting and kept me in place as he slammed his way in me. The hand at my hair kept my face side to side with his, making his words all the more demanding. I knew what he was talking about and this was his way of staking a claim. Sadly, I didn't feel used. My anger had dissipated after that first kiss. His lips on mine revealing the need that still connected us. This was his way of telling me that although he might have something with her, our connection still burned inside him like it did in me. His overpowering plunges deep within me claimed me to my very soul. And in a way this was my way of claiming him.<p>

A part of him still needed me, a primal want for what only I could give him. In this place there was no other for either of us. This almost brutal mating between two people had no place for any other. It was just us and it gave me new reason to fight for what we once had. I submitted to his dominance, to his taking and plundering. And I loved it.

I purred in his ear and welcomed every thrust with equal force. The sound of smacking of skin against skin, of moans fueled with passion and hunger. Involuntarily one of my hand released the couch's edge and my arm wrapped around his neck, bringing my face closer to his. I captured the skin at his throat with my teeth and suckled on the sweat soaked flesh. His ramming became brutal at my biting and he roared his release into my ear, sending my body into a frenzy of it's own as I convulsed around him. Shepard jabbed himself a few more times inside me before spilling himself deep within me. I fell limp against him as soon as my body slowed it's spasms.

He hooked an arm around my waist and brought me against his chest as he sat down on the couch. I was now sitting silently on his lap while I caught my breath and I felt his hand stroking my back in a soothing pattern. My hair was plastered all over my face from all the sweat layering my naked body. Looking up at him, I noticed the huge angry looking love bite on his throat. A wicked smile spread across my lips and he grinned when he noticed my smile.

"You have one too, you know." He whispered huskily in my ear. My smile almost faltered at that but it also brought back the recent memory of our love making. Of my decision to fight for what was and still is naturally mine. The wicked smile on my face spread and I turned to straddle him. His hands automatically going to either side of my hips. My eyes searched his face, grazing over his juicy lips and up to his half lidded eyes.

"Ash..." He called to me and I moved forward, aching to taste his lips again. This time it was smooth and gentle. Our lips gliding over each other as our tongues danced in unison. His arms wrapped around me and my arms wrapped around his neck. I slowly began to rub my hips against him, seeking that connection once again. He entered me slowly and our moves became more sensual, more loving. Shepard's hands caressed my back and his lips continued to envelope mine. We broke apart to catch our breaths, our movements never changing. He continued his trail of kisses across my jaws and down my neck, nibbling at the love mark he had previously given me.

I could feel him completely within me, poking at my lower belly. Swaying my hips on his lap, he groaned his approval and I clenched and teased his shaft with my walls. My nipples rubbing against his chest only added to the insane pleasure I was feeling. I continued to moan and gasp in his ear, with every sound his hands tightened on my back and his shaft thrusted more violently inside me. His groans only fueled my need to satisfy him and I leaned back from his hold to grasp a breast in each of my hands. I was in full view of his roaming eyes. My hands cupping each breast, toying with the nipples, my hips swaying on top of him.

In any other situation I probably would have blushed to my roots but for him, I didn't care. I wanted him to see me. I could imagine my image burning into his brain, blocking out any other possible 'distraction'. I knew I had this over him, I knew by the way his eyes followed my every movement; by the way he plunged in me every time I purred his name. No one could take this from us and I would give him what no other would.

Bracing my hands on each side of his shoulders I began to bounce on him. The skin of my rear making a smacking noise every time it came in contact with the skin of his thigh. He roared his enthusiasm and basically threw me on the floor, his body still connected to mine and his form towering over me. Shoving himself deeper and deeper into me, I fell over the edge. White hot fire blazing through me, sending my body into overdrive making my walls pulse and milk his shaft. Shepard bit into the skin of my upper breast to keep himself from screaming his release and I called out mine with all the air in my lungs.

We lay there spent for what seemed like an eternity. His body sprawled on top of mine. The hot gusts of air against my face the only indication that he was still awake. Our limbs tangled, our sleek bodies molded into one another. He raised his head to look at me and smiled, giving me a beautiful crooked grin.

"That was wonderful, amazing..." he breathed.

"You mean passionate and animalistic." I teased cutting him off.

"I've missed you Ashley Madeline Williams." He said as he snuggled his face in the crook of my neck.

"I missed you too, Skipper." I replied slightly lightheaded, loving the way he clenched his arms tighter around me.

"...Though we still need to talk Shepard. This hasn't changed anything." I finished.

At that, he looked up at me, not letting go of his hold around my waist.

"Ash, just give me some time.. That's all I'm asking for.. just a little time..." he pleaded.

Trying to find the truth in his eyes, I gazed up at him.

"Shepard, I'm going to fight like hell for this. I.. still love you. And if what we just shared is any indication, then I know you feel something for me too." I closed the distance between our lips and gave him a loving kiss.

"I'll fight for you Shepard. If that's what I have to do, then bring it on." The determination clearly in my voice.

His eyes gazed at me lovingly but our moment was shattered when Joker's voice came over the Intercom.

"Commander, Sorry to interrupt but we'll be at the Citadel in a few minutes. Just wanted to let you know." Joker stated.

"Are you still spying on us, Joker?" Shepard's voice boomed over me.

"No, Sir! Just wanted to let you know." the pilot assured.

We both gave each other a meaningful look and reluctantly he released me. Standing up, he extended a hand towards me and stood me up. We got dressed in a hurry not exchanging a word. I began to worry that things really wouldn't change after all. He hadn't even glanced my way since he had helped me up.

I finished the clasps to my suit and ran my fingers through my impossible hair. Straightening my back and turned fully towards him, waiting for him to finish. As he finished redoing the fastenings of his boots he too, straightened his back and turned to me. The smile on his face melted away any mounting fear I had. He arched a hell of a sexy eyebrow and smirked at me. Taking a few strides he stood confidently before me, extending a hand around my lower back, he swatted my behind. Literally smacked me on the butt! My eyes grew wide at the shock and for half a second I was frozen in place. Shepard leaned his lips close to my ear and spoke softly.

"No, James! I'm serious Ash, I know we still have things to say to each other but I can promise that I won't bed Miranda as long as you stay a deck apart from that meat-head." he demanded.

My brain was screaming at me to do something, anything, but my heart knew that if I wanted Shepard I couldn't keep up the games with James, I couldn't hurt his feelings. So, if Shepard wanted me away from James then I'll have plenty of time to make sure 'He' has no time to spend with Ms. Barbie. He might seem the willing partner now but I knew better. This war was far from over!

"Deal." I whispered back, wickedly.


	12. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

* * *

><p>Location: <em>Rannoch  Perseus Veil / Tikkun System_

Time Stamp: 2400_ ERT Hour / May.25.2186_

* * *

><p><strong>Ashley<strong>

* * *

><p>My lungs burned, my left thigh screamed in pain from three shots and my vision was blurring from the blood loss, but I kept going, kept running. In front of me I could make out the red stripes of Shepard's N7 armor as he took cover behind a large stone.<p>

_Keep going Ash, we Williams never give up._

Behind me shots rang out in a furious ballad, hitting cliff sides and bouncing off shielded armor. The Reaper controlled Geth were coming from every direction, nipping at our heels. As I crossed the last stretch of ground separating me from cover, a bullet managed to trace a hot trail on the thin material at the nape of my neck. Warmth quickly spread through the area and I worked my legs double time to reach the large boulder just a few meters ahead. Rounding the huge stone, I leaned my back against it to check my ammo.

"Damn! I'm out!" I gritted out through my teeth.

"Ashley? Come in." Shepard's voice filtered through the comm in my hard suit.

"I'm here, though almost out of Ammo." I responded.

Peeking out of cover, I saw Shepard aim two shots and hit the nearby geth troopers before sprinting towards my cover. I slid further behind the boulder to make room for us both and felt the sting of my protesting wounds. Medi-gel that was usually stored in my suit was depleted by now and my body protested my every move. Reaching one of my gloved hands behind my neck, I felt for any wounds where the bullet had grazed me. I could feel that the material had been completely burned off and an angry gash pulsed at my gentle probing. Pulling my hand away, I could see the blood oozing off my glove. My left thigh still burned almost unbearably but at least the bleeding had stopped. I made a mental checklist of my wounds and stored it away for later use. Now my main focus was to reach the platform and disabled those damn geth.

"Ash? You okay?" came Shepard's voice from beside me.

Through his visor I could see his eyes roaming over my wounds. He was crouched close enough for me to see that he, himself was breathing hard and his armor had more than a few holes in it.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'll be better when we're far out on the Normandy." I growled as Shepard placed new heat sinks in my shotgun.

"Shepard, Come in." a voice called over the comm.

"Tali, Shepard here. Did you reach the other side of the platform with Legion?" he answered the Quarian.

A crackling sound came over the comms for a few second before Tali answered.

"Yes. We just need you to reach the pods that should be on the platform just above you. When you reach it we'll shut off access to that location and Legion will be able to connect you with the Geth Network." she said.

"I see them. I'll comm you when we reach it. Shepard out." said Shepard.

He turned towards me and nodded his head in the direction of the escape ladder on the opposing wall.

"We need to reach that. You think you can make it?" he asked me, concern apparent in his voice.

At that I had to glare at him, sometimes I felt like he thought I was fragile or something. I held back the need to slap him against his helmet and nodded my ability to make it to the ladders.

"On my signal, I want you to sprint for it. I'll provide you with some back up fire to distract them from you." he ordered.

"And who's gonna distract them from you?" I countered, not in the mood for his lack of survival instincts.

"Ash, don't argue. Or you'll be benched on the next mission. Now, on my signal run." he said, more firmly.

If I wasn't so exhausted at that point I would have argued more but that would have to be put side for a later date as he signaled for me to get moving.

Pushing off my legs, I ignored the stabbing pain and ran towards the ladder, aiming and putting down a few geth on the way. Shepard was on my heels and the moment I reached the ladder, he grabbed me by the waist and hauled me over his shoulder. With one arm on my lower back and the other on the ladder he climbed the few feet towards the top platform. I didn't struggle, for one I was in pain and I probably would have slowed us down and because even if I didn't want to admit it, it felt good to be protected for once.

He set me down on the edge above the ladder and climbed up behind me, a small door sliding over the hole on the floor we had just entered through. Taking inventory of my surroundings I noticed a wall of what looked to be sleeper pods and that was it. Not a single other item was in the room and I let out a breath as the adrenaline running through my body began to fade.

Shepard did the same as he stood from the floor and looked around the room. He tapped at his visor and the Comm came on.

"Shepard here. I'm in the room with the pods. Whenever you guys are ready we can finish this." he said.

"Shepard-Commander, I will begin overriding the data block. It will take a few minutes to navigate the systems protocols. Once I complete the override I will inform you and you may step into the pod." came the response from Legion, the geth consensus.

The comms cut off and Shepard looked towards where I still sat on the floor. He made his way over to me and lowered himself in front of me. Palm out, he reached behind my helmet and unclasped the guard that kept the head gear attached to my hard suit. After hearing the appropriate amount of clicks he put both hands on the sides of my helmet and pulled it off.

My hair was plastered to my head and streams of sweat trickled down the tip of my nose. His fingers came up to lightly caress my cheek and his thumb rub my bottom lip.

"Please don't tell me your having _those_ thoughts at a time like this." I huffed as my breath started to become more irregular.

"Ash, you're not okay. Your hurt in more than one place. This location should be pretty secure and I have some extra medi-gel... Please just rest while I finish this last part. We'll be back on the Normandy in no time." He said as he reached for a pack of medi-gel in the compartment on his breast plate. His hands moved swiftly at applying the gel to my open wounds but was already fading in and out.

"Shepard-Commander, we're ready for you. Please proceed to enter the pod." Legion's monotone voice crackled through our comms.

My vision was blurring, my consciousness fading into darkness slowly. My heart was pumping double time, my thigh screeched in blazing pain and my loss of blood was finally rearing it's ugly head as my perception became tunneled. I was slightly aware of Shepard's hand caress my cheek tenderly before he moved away.

My consciousness finally giving up on me.

* * *

><p><em>It felt smooth under my caress, the skin on my palms prickled nicely as they made their way up the tone muscles on the of a sun kissed abdomen. A slight path of rough hair made a pathway toward immaculate pecks and a smoothly indented collar bone.<em>

_A warm prickling of my fore arm notified me to his hands gentle caressing of my skin there. The fingers of the palm that explored the thick muscles of his neck, walked their way up to beautifully wet lips that pouted at my touch. My name came out in warm puffs against my face.._

'_Ash...'_

_It was smooth and warm...but.. something was out of place._

_'Ash…" There it was again. The toned body that had been my enveloping warmth vanished, leaving fire._

_Fire and burning pain._

"_Ash!." More urgent, needful. I can't find the source, only darkness... But the pain.. the pain is everywhere. Under the pain, I feel pressure. Somewhere in this blackness, there's pressure._

_My senses slowly return. I can feel my toes, my fingers clenching around something. Then I can feel the raise of my chest, there's fire there. I want to see, to look beyond the darkness but I can't find my eyes. I try again to wiggle my toes, my brain sending commands everywhere recovering files and connections like a crashed system. As I wiggle my toes, I find my legs and... the pain there too. So excruciating... so blistering that my body spasms and I clenched my eye. Gaining control of the senses awakened by pain my lids fly open._

* * *

><p>My eyes take a few seconds to adjust to the blaring light above me. I am now aware of the hands holding my arms down. The light slowly fades into neutral and I can see Chakwas standing above me, gazing at me with her usual medical precision.<p>

"Lieutenant Williams, can.. you ..hear ..me?" Chakwas said as if speaking to a small child, pronouncing every syllable slowly.

I manage to raise my arm and waive it above my face in some sort of communication that would slightly translate into 'get out of my face'. I try to sit up but her hand on my chest gently kept me down.

"You were hurt Williams and the application of medi-gel came a bit too late to completely heal some of your wounds. I have injected you with some anesthetic to hold you over until to wounds completely heal." She gave me a warning look, one you might see on an angry mother.

"You my dear, have been very lucky. Nothing major and thankfully Shepard was able to bring you straight to me after the mission." she said, in a tone that reminded me of a scolding I'd get as a child for being careless.

My head was still swimming but the medication she was injecting in different areas of me were slowly spreading a numbness around my body.

"Doc?... Wait, I don't want to fall back asleep." My hand raised to rest on the forearm she had on the equipment next to me.

"Don't worry Ashley. You'll be slightly numb but you'll stay conscious." she assured me.

She proceeded to inject the remaining wounds and turned a few knobs on the monitor next to me. Satisfied with her work she turned her warm expression towards me.

"Is there anything you need before I go?" she asked gently.

"No.. Thanks, I think my body needs it's rest.. I'm feeling like I've been run over by a few makos and then some." I told her.

She gave me a polite nod and turned to go, leaving me alone with the constant beeping of my heart on the monitor. I felt myself relax onto the makeshift bed, enjoying the numbness caused by the meds. I might have zoned out for a bit but before I knew it, the sound of the med-bay doors opening brought my gaze to the new comer.

"Hey chica, how you feelin?" James' deep rumbling voice came nearer as he made his way to the seat next to my bed. His big frame looking a bit awkward in the small corner that was sectioned off for my use.

"James..." My voice was raspy and burned its way up my throat.

"Hey.. hey.. You don't have to talk, just recover so you can go back out there and kick some ass. I'm telling you babe, that was the best ass kicking I've ever seen you go at. Though don't get me wrong you need to stop risking it like that... I've just found you, don't need to lose you already." His voice was warm against the side of my face. His large palm caressed the side of my face as he spoke.

"James... We have to ... to talk." My voice was a little stronger but I wasn't that confident that it wouldn't give out.

" Yeah, we can talk later. You have to rest now." he said with a softness I'd never expect from a man like him.

"No.. I mean.. we really need.. need to talk." I insisted.

His hand fell off my face and he gave me his undivided attention.

"I...I love him." I didn't need to mention who 'he' was. James knew.

"I want to be with him." I continued. "I know you have feelings for me but I can't deny myself the chance to be happy with him."

"Ash... You're on medication. You're confused and the medications must be messing with you... We'll talk when you're off the meds." he said.

"No... I'm serious... We're gonna try to work on it." I finished, slightly proud of myself for my new found confidence in Shepard.

"How can you say that!... He's with Miranda, you've seen it..." He was angry now. "When you were on the Citadel, he was sleeping with her!.. Don't be so naive, Ash."

He stood from his chair and paced the small area in front of my bed.

"I can't believe would want him... after... after all he's done to you." he said angrily.

"What me and Ashley have gone through is no concern of yours, Vega..." Shepard who had been standing by the entrance to the med bay interrupted Vega's rampage.

"As for Ashley, she needs her rest and I can see she isn't getting it here..." He walked over to a cabinet on the other side of the room and opened a drawer, removing a silver and black wrist band. Making his way over to my bedside, he placed the band around my wrist.

His next statement directed at me.

"I saw Chakwas on my way here and she told me that EDI can use this band to monitor your vitals. Since you need to be comfortable to rest, I asked permission to move you until you're cleared for active duty again." he explained.

Without notice to James who was standing just beyond my bed with a look between rage and control, Shepard put one arm around my upper back and another under my knees. Lifting me up from the medical table, he cradled me against his chest and walked right passed James. He continued to walk without speaking or looking in my direction, only stopping to punch his cabin button on the elevator.

His arms were warm against the skin it touched and his chest was welcoming to the weight of my head against it. I could tell something was bothering him but at the point, I couldn't care less.

Once in his cabin he walked me over to his massive bed, placing me gently on the cushioned pillows.

"EDI?" He called out into the air.

"Yes, Commander?" came the AI's response.

"Please transmit Lieutenant Williams' vitals straight to my omni-tool." he told her.

"As you wish Commander." She replied to his request before crackling out of the comms.

Turning towards me, his face softened just a bit.

"I'm glad you're okay, Ash. You had me worried there for a minute when I came out of the pod and saw you laying there unconscious." he said, taking a much gentler tone than he had just a few moments before.

He sat beside me putting a warm palm against my unwound thigh.

"I'm a fighter Shepard. You should know this by now." I told him.

"Don't I know it." He chuckled as he replied looking up at me and locking eyes with me.

"So... What was James going on about before I interrupted?" he prodded.

"You really don't know... If I knew any better, which I do, I would say that your angry tone down there was because you heard what he was saying." I cut in, smiling with the satisfaction that I knew that behind his words was a hint of jealousy.

"Do you believe what he said?" he asked me with a grave look on his face.

At his tone my hand found it's way up to caress his cheek, slowly tracing his cheek bone.

"Shepard, I believe in you... Now If you will..." My arm extended into the direction of the empty space on the bed beside me. " I would like some company while I rest."

A quick smirk came up to decorate his sensual features and he made his way to the spot next to me. Removing his boots and N7 sweater, he gathered me up in his arms bringing my back to lay firmly against his chest. His arms wrapped around me and his face came up to breath in my ear. Comforting and soothing.

"Now Lieutenant, rest." he commanded, though not in his harsh commander voice.

I wiggled myself closer into his embrace and drifted off comfortably, secured within his warmth.


	13. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

* * *

><p>Location: <em>Normandy, Perseus Veil<em>

Time Stamp: 0700_ ERT Hour / May.25.2186_

* * *

><p><strong>Shepard<strong>

* * *

><p>"Commander, Hackett is online in the CC. Says he has some information." Joker's voice interrupted my sleep as it came over the comms in my cabin.<p>

As gently as I could, I untangled myself from Ashley's sleeping form and stood to go. The day hadn't been so busy and we were currently awaiting new orders, so this restful respite was welcomed by most of the crew.

Moving from the bed I quickly looked over at Ashley, making sure she was still asleep. I moved towards the doors of my cabin and exited unto the other side. Debating whether to go down to the control center or to take the transmission here, I looked around the small space and tapped on my omni-tool's comm.

"Commander. How are things going with the council?" the admiral asked.

"Things are as always. We are awaiting the assignation of a new councilor for Earth before we move on to what is needed. The Quarian Admiralty Board is feeling very grateful for the return of their home-world and have sent troops your way. Anything new on your end?" I responded.

"We have received Intel that indicates that Cerberus is working out of a new base. The strange thing is that we couldn't detect them at all. Our informant is trustworthy but we have scanned the location and cannot locate any life forms. They may be using some Reaper tech to hide their location from our scanners. I need your team to head out there and investigate. I will send you coordinates to the planet we believe holds this secret base." he said, always professional but I could see the war was wearing on him.

"I understand Admiral, if that is all... Shepard out." I said, nodding.

The Admiral gave me a nod of his head and his image flickered out. I exited the small room and headed for Joker's cockpit. Finding my way there easily, I came up behind him as he made some snarky remark to his co-pilot, EDI.

"Joker what's our current location?" I asked my pilot.

He swirled in his chair to face me with that sly smile that always marked his face.

"Where nearing the Citadel to refuel and pick up supplies." he told me.

"Alright, after that I need you to take us to the coordinates Admiral Hackett will send you." I was about to turn and go, when Joker's voice made me turn to him once again.

"So Commander, there's been some scuttlebutt going around and you won't believe what I heard." he said in a mock whisper.

"Joker...I don't do gossip." I told him firmly.

"Not even when it has to do with Miranda?" One of his eyebrows shot up, daring me to dismiss my interest in the subject.

"Well since you're here, I'm assuming that you wanna know... It's my understanding that Miranda has been spending some time with Vega." he said, a conspiratorial look on his smug face.

I was dumbfounded. All I did was turn my back for a second and that gorilla was already smelling up my other woman. '_Not my woman._' I had to remind myself. I had promised myself that I would make up my mind and after that night with Ashley, I just couldn't hurt her again.

Looking back at Joker I noticed that he was still looking at me, I assumed he was still waiting for a response to his news.

"Joker, Miranda is not an Alliance marine. Regulations don't apply to her. If she wishes to have her time with James, that is no concern of mine." My voice sounded icy even to my own ears. I also loved Miranda but I couldn't have both women and I wouldn't hurt either. I knew that my best bet was for Miranda to find someone else. As perfect as she was, my imperfections claimed Ashley as my other half.

"Alrighty then..." He turned and continued his conversation with EDI, as if I had never even been there. Taking that as a hint, I backed up from the cockpit and made my way to the makeshift office Miranda had created for herself. I knew deep down, that the best way to avoid the heartbreak would be to be upfront with my own emotions, so talking to Miranda would need to be my first step.

I reached the door and tapped on it lightly, announcing my presence. It opened for me and I walked the rest of the way into her office. She sat on her desk, fingers typing furiously at the keys before she turned her attention towards me.

"Hello, Shepard. What can I help you with?" Her question came out more as a purr and she stood quickly from her seat and crossed the distance between us. Her arms wrapped around my neck and my hand became steel restraints against her hips. I stopped her from closing the remaining inches between us and she gave me a questioning look.

"What's wrong, Shepard?" she asked, confusion flashing over her face.

"Miranda, we have to talk." At my tone, her hands loosened around my neck and her gaze examined my face.

"Miranda... I've thought a lot about us. About... Ashley." She looked about to say something but the look I gave her, prompted her otherwise.

"I want to be clear with you about a few things...I don't want to hurt you.." I told her softly.

"Shepard, this is sounding a lot like a break up..." she said, her tone taking on an edge that hadn't been there before.

I let my hands travel up to hers and I held them within mine. I looked down at our attached hands and wondered briefly if this was the right decision to make.

"Miranda... You know better than anyone, how much I love Ashley. She was the first person I thought of when I woke up on your medical slab, the last person I thought about before I died... When she left me on Horizon... my life crumbled before my eyes." I said, more emotion in my voice than I had intended.

The hands that were held within mine, tried to withdraw from my hold. At this my eyes ventured to look up at hers and her expression killed a little piece in me.

"You, Miranda, are special to me. In a way few women have been. You were there when I needed you the most. I really thought you would be the one... but then Ashley came back into my life with all the fire that I love and I can't help myself. I see her and it's like my heart wants to jump out of my chest. I don't want to lose either of you but if I don't choose, I'll lose both of you and I can't stand that thought. I have to be honest with myself and with you... I love her, Miranda and if there is something that can be done to fix our relationship... I'm more than willing to give it a shot." I breathed out the last part of my confession in a whisper.

I still held her hands within mine and I rubbed my thumb against her palm.

"Please understand Miranda." I pleaded, because I really didn't want to hurt her.

I released her hands and turned to go. Waiting a few seconds at the door to see what she had to say, I was met with silence so I made my way out the door.

Reaching my cabin, I stopped to file my emotions in place before seeing Ashley. I knew by this point that Ashley was the woman I love… _So why does it hurt to leave Miranda behind… _

I rub my palms against my eyes and turn to input the code into my cabin door. The sound of the elevator behind me, stops me from finishing the process. I turn to see Miranda come out of the lift and walk to stand in front of me. Her eyebrows creasing in what I assume to be a worried expression and she looks up to me with a glassy expression.

"Shepard… We need to finish this conversation." She spoke in a low tone.

"I thought you were done listening to me…. Miranda, look… I'm sorry but i can't control what I feel…" A hand came up to meet the side of my face with a sharp whack.

"It wasn't so many days ago that you told me you wanted to be with me! You said you loved… me." The tears rolling down her face by now, where an exhibition of the jackass I had been to her.

"I trusted you Shepard….trusted you with my heart and.. and what do you do?!.. You go back to her anyway." At this point her voice had raised and her fist pounded against my chest. "You said that it hurt you not to be with me… Was it all a lie? Where you ever in love with me as you said you were?" her voice cracked at the question.

The tears were now coming in full flow down her face, her fists still pounding against my chest. I knew this was all my fault but there wasn't nothing I could do. I had made my choice and I had to live with the consequences. My arms wrapped around her, fully engulfing her within my embrace. I leaned my chin on the top of her head as she cried onto my chest.

"I'm sorry… so, so sorry. Miranda you're a special women and you deserve the best… I am not that guy and I can't be what you want from me…" I squeezed her shaking form, offering some type of comfort and I leaned in closer and kissed the top of her head.

The sound of doors opening, brought my attentions towards my cabin door. Miranda also seemed aware of the sound and in a brief second I had her arms wrapped around my neck and her lips pressed forcefully against my lips.

* * *

><p><strong>Ashley<strong>

* * *

><p>A few hours later I was slightly aware to shifting on the bed and a coolness creeping up my back. I rolled to find the warmth but found his scent and empty sheets instead. My mind was still groggy with the medication but everything was coming slowly into focus around me. I swirled in between sleep and full alertness until I hear the voices coming from beyond the doors.<p>

I tried to move individual body parts, trying to sort out where my weakest point where. Once I felt secure of my body's functions, I made my way off the bed. The voices outside Shepard's doors got louder and I pushed my legs to move faster.

I was halfway up the steps in Shepard's cabin when the voices outside died down. That got my curiosity piqued and I made my way to the doors. As I approached the doors sensor caught my motion and they opened automatically. The view outside was one I would have never wanted to see.

I couldn't move.. My eyes were glued to the scene in front of me. Outrage pure and undiluted swimmed in my vision as I stepped out of the doorway and into the space outside the cabin. As soon as they noticed my approach, Shepard quickly untangled himself from her. I could see the smirk on her face and the way her hands slowly grazed down his chest before she stepped out of his embrace.

"Well, Shepard I have some work to do, I hope we can continue this conversation later." Miranda purred to him before turning and entering the elevator lift.

My eyes turned to him and his expression seemed baffled before turning to look at me.

"Ash.. It's not what it looks like…" He made his way to where I still stood dumbfounded. I was certainly mad, outraged would be a better way to describe what I was feeling. It had been only a small while ago when he slept intertwined with me then I wake up to find him embraced with her! He extended his arm to me and I flinched away. I said I would fight for him… but I was starting to think that there would be no point in it.

"Shepard, you don't need to say anything else, I do understand and I know what I saw." I stepped around him and exited the same way that… that woman had.

Once reaching the crew deck I looked around, desperate to find anywhere to hide. I couldn't go down to the cargo bay and train this anger out because Vega was there. And I had no energy to deal with him at this particular moment. I made my way down one of the corridors and my feet brought me to the Life support room. Kind of ironic that I would end up here, seeing as my heart was about to need some type of support. Inside the room, I was thankful to find no one inside and I made my way to the crates on the opposite corner.

"EDI?" I called out, my voice sounding as if things were about to take a turn for the worst. The watery and emotional type of worst.

"How may I assist you Lieutenant Williams?" The monotone voice of the AI replied.

"Can you please lock down this room? And I mean no one gets in, especially Shepard." I gasped at the disembodied voice, anxiety pulsing through my body.

"Lieutenant Williams, I am under the command of Commander Shepard, I cannot deny him entrance into any room." she replied, seeming almost…. regretful in her tone.

"EDI, If Shepard or anyone gets into this room, I am not responsible for the consequences.." I gritted out.

"As you wish." she said.

I sat up on one of the crates, bringing my knees up to my chest. My mind was traveling hundred miles an hour and my heart was up there in beats.

This couldn't continue. This war was far more important than what I wanted, what I needed. Maybe I should take Hackett's offer. I could help in the front lines, go back to Earth and help Anderson. The love I have for Shepard couldn't stop me from doing what I could in this war.

A beep from my omni-tool brought me out of my thoughts. I typed in my code and the interface brought me to some new messages. I saw the offer that I had been made from HQ in my inbox but I passed it for the new opened chat.

_**You should see this.**_

A video began to play on my interface and my eyes couldn't move from the screen. It showed Shepard Running down a cliff side with me in tow. From what I could see it was during the time I had been unconscious on the Mission to Rannoch. I didn't know that he had carried me with him during the battle…. The picture changed to one that showed him placing me behind a boulder as he lined up a huge gun on to… What the fuck, a Reaper!

_I don't understand. Why wasn't I told that he had fought a Reaper head on with me in tow. And an unconscious me at that!_

The video continued as Shepard blasted pieces off the Reaper, leaving it swaying from side to side. The monster gained some recognition and aimed towards where we hid and fired. Shepard already aware of it's intent grabbed my unconscious form by the waist and shoved me behind another wall covering me with his body. Pieces of stone hit his armored back but the Reaper was shown in the background being gunned down by above forces.

The images switched to one of Shepard's back. His armor had two massive holes and one peaked enough through his under armour to see his gushing blood. The camera view shifted slightly to the side and I could see him cradling me close to his chest as he dredged through the rocky surface of Rannoch. His breathing sounded labored through the comm feed and the constant beeping of his armor informed me that he was depleted of Medi-gel. But he kept going with me as a burden…

The images shifted a few more times and as the scenes passed by my screen, my heart gained a little more weight. This left me no doubt that he loved me but it also left no doubt in my mind that I was holding humanity's best hope back. The tears now flowed freely down my cheeks and I let myself feel for the love that I was about to give up on.


	14. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

* * *

><p>Location: <em>Citadel Serpent Nebula, Milky Way_

Time Stamp: 1450_ ERT Hour / May. 25 .2186_

* * *

><p><strong><em>...<em>**

* * *

><p><em>The Citadel was a bit less active than usual and Purgatory had seen a bit less crime on this night. The music was raging, a hypnotic mix of tunes and beats that moved the patrons in a dizzying rhythm. Most of those very patrons, up in their cups, wouldn't have noticed the pair of human recluses in one of the many hidden alcoves of the bar.<em>

_Low lights and the high beat of the music gave this couple the disguise of invisibility in the throng of people. Just another pair of customers, another pair of lovers. The disguise of fallacy that covered more than just this one encounter, covered the plotting of lovers scorn._

_On the table separating the two, sat six silver shot glasses containing a few 'Snap Necks', a crew favorite. On the slender hand of the reclusive beauty, a single glass with a fruity tonic. To any passer by the couple seemed normal and in deep conversation. On both points people would find themselves to be right. But underneath all of that facade, two hearts schemed.._

"_So, how'd it go?" The brusque tone left no evidence of the anxiety the man truly felt. He knew that what they plotted was wrong, but he felt betrayed and oddly, slightly used._

"_I've sent the footage, she should have received it by now. She's also contacted her superiors…." The brunette took a slight sip from her glass and licked the remnants off her lips with a sly smirk…"Things are going as planned."_

_The Man put muscular fingers up to the nape of his neck and rubbed the area there. _

"_So, now what? With her gone, I'll have no part left in this."_

_Her icy glare scanned the Man from tip to tip with calculating measure. Her finger dipped into the sweet smelling drink, twirling it just with the tip of her forefinger. _

"_You still have a big part to carry out…" She caught his eyes with hers and continued. " If what you have informed me about her is correct, she will leave without a word… That's where you come in. You are in some terms, still a friend to her. You will keep in contact and 'inform' her of the going ons of the battle, which you know is something she will want to be kept updated in. She won't go and ask Him and the chain of command will undoubtedly try and keep her with them, she knows this, anything she can obtain from them will surely be biased and advantages to them in every way. She knows all of this, so it will make your offer to help keep her updated, less suspicious and more advantages to our cause."_

_The bulky man nodded in agreement understanding the benefits of her plan. They needed the little hell cat out of the way long enough for his new partner to sneak her way into the place she wanted to be. Their plotting was going well, all they needed now was for time to run it's due course. _

"_We should avoid letting the Him know of our part in her early leave. I think it would be for the best if he believed that she'd abandoned him, like that he'll be too furious to contact her for awhile and it'll give me some time to convince her that she did the right thing…. Knowing her how I do, I know she'll believe she's done the right thing and will keep her distance, maybe even give me a chance for real this time. But for now…"_

_His eyes sparkled with the knowledge of being a step ahead and with something more. The sheer brilliance of the idea in itself made his adrenaline go haywire. His blood pumped and the Snap Neck's were beginning to rear their ugly head as his toned arm stretched up to her. She became stiff, her eyes drinks were taking effect because he began to trace the smooth lines of her chin and bottom lip. _

"_Do you have a death wish?" Her voice was on edge but her lip trembled. The shivers down her spine where imaginary, she told herself repeatedly. The way her nipples perked was due to the amount of alcohol she'd consumed nothing more, she told herself._

"_Nah, just trying to enjoy, you know. It's been a while." His gentle thumb traced the edges of her lips once again, applying a bit more pressure than the first time. Her lips parted with a slight puff of air, her arm reaching up to grasp his tight fitted shirt._

"_I'll kill you pretty boy, don't ever forget that." The brunette made to leave, drinks forgotten on the table between them. His arm shot up and grasped her waist, sitting her back down on the bench and only inches from his lap. Her blue eyes swirled with dark energy, powerful and yet enticing to the Man since he disregarded her hostility and breached the line that had been drawn. _

* * *

><p><strong>Shepard<strong>

* * *

><p>"What do you mean she's gone! When… I mean why... how? Fuck!" I roared at EDI as soon as I reached the cockpit.<p>

Joker as always, swiveled in his chair to face me. "Listen Commander I don't know what happened and honestly, I don't want to know. Ashley came up here with a bag and said she had some guns she wanted looked at now that we are docked on the Citadel. I didn't think much of it. I mean… she was after all the gunnery chief, that's her thing. Seemed totally plausible. So, it's not EDI's fault and anyway no one told me the chief was under ship arrest."

I glared at him, hard. This was no time for Joker to start making sense or for his sarcasm.

"And why didn't you inform me that we had arrived at the Citadel when we got here. Why…"

"Shepard… Come on, you just blew up a Reaper…. I thought… Thought that maybe you needed some rest since there's nothing urgent going on at the moment. There was no call to disturb you."

I knew that he was right, hell I kind of appreciate it but then again… I take a little time to let Ashley cool down and to catch some seriously needed rest and…. I wake up twenty six hours later with the news that she's been off ship since we got here and hasn't returned. _When I find her…._

"Never mind Joker. I'm sorry I overreacted. It's just that we weren't in the best of terms and she's still injured…. Can you at least find her location on the Citadel, I'll get her back on the ship after I'm done setting up the repairs for the Normandy."

Joker turned back on to his console and typed away furiously on his keys. A small frown forming on his brow as he tried to gain access to her location. He seemed to be having some trouble because he turned towards his Co-Pilot EDI.

"Um… A little help here, would you?"

The AI turned to face him and gave him a quick smile.

"Certainly Jeff, one moment." Her face took that faraway look in frequently did when analyzing or computing.

"I cannot contact Lieutenant Williams through normal lines. I can detect her presence on the Citadel but her link with the Normandy seems to be shut down…. I am analyzing last known frequencies she might have entered to comm… It seems her last known conversation was with Admiral Hackett. He might know where to find Lieutenant Commander Williams."

I whirled in place and made my way to the conference room. "EDI, open up a line with the Admiral at once."

The elevator ride was quicker than usual. Maybe the Normandy was starting to become attuned to my moods, since I made it to my destination faster than it normally would have taken me.

"Commander, the Admiral is linked up to the Normandy's Comm System." EDI's voice rang out overhead.

I key in my pass code and turned to the visual feed, an unavoidable grim expression on my face. The feed flicked in and out a bit before becoming a clear image.

"Commander Shepard, I wasn't expecting to hear from you so soon. I presume everything is on schedule as always?" The older man's features gave nothing away of his inner thoughts, though I had a sneaking suspicion that he knew where I might be taking this conversation.

"Everything in running smoothly, as expected. How are things on your end?" If he didn't feel like giving in, neither did I.

"The Conduit is almost finalized, the finishing touches are being placed on as we speak. If everything continues as it's going will be able to strike them where it hurts, and soon. He paused for a moment and gave me a stern once over before continuing. "Shepard, Anderson would like to have a word with you whenever your able to and if that is all…."

My eyes narrowed up at him and I squared my shoulders at what I was about to do.

"Permission to speak freely, sir?"

A slight nod from the older man gave me all the permission I needed.

"Where is she?" My voice was barely above a whisper but the Admiral didn't need me to repeat my question.

"Lieutenant-Commander Williams has informed me of her wishes to continue helping the Alliance through other outlets. She believes that her Specter resources would be of more use elsewhere and I believe she is correct in that assessment. Two Specters on our side is advantages but having their resources spread out through the Alliance would be of greater advantage to our cause. I have given her a new assignment and I hope that you will respect her wishes as well as direct orders from your superiors, Shepard."

An almost inaudible growl escaped my throat at the thought that she had abandoned me. Not only that but she had gone through the higher ups to leave me no other option. My heart pounded hard against my chest and my fist clenched in suppressed anger. My gaze met that of the Admirals and I nodded in understanding, the signal cut off suddenly signaling the end of our conversation. Turning towards the exit I marched up to the cockpit.

"Joker, I'll be exiting the Normandy to prepare for it's repairs and then I have to head out and collect some things for the Doc. Make sure everything goes well with the repairs, once everything is ready contact me. I want to be off this station as soon as possible."

With that I turned towards the airlock exit not hearing the questions Jokers asked to the back of my retreating form.

* * *

><p>Location: <em>Citadel Serpent Nebula, Milky Way_

Time Stamp: 0800_ ERT Hour / November. 28 .2186_

* * *

><p>The galaxy couldn't seem to wait for me to get back up on my horse. Since Ashley's departure from my life, things have only gotten worse. I fell through a huge fish tank, while being cussed at by Joker for using him as bait. Then I meet this woman, Brooks, who seems to be nice and helpful until I find out she's trying to replace me with me, or at least my clone. I get locked in a vault with Grunt and Garrus for a few hours and then to make my life a little more miserable, I almost lose my ship to this psychotic women who thought she could take over my life.<p>

The only good thing about these past few months was the shore leave that was offered to us by the Alliance as a thanks-for-your-services-sorry-you-might-die-for-us-again-so-here's-some-final-time-off.

I had already had Anderson come over and give me a rundown of the apartment that was now technically mine. He had seemed to notice my slight withdrawal from the world but decided against mentioning anything to me. Now, I'm just sitting here looking through the large windows in front of me, hoping that I could get something, anything really, that could give me a clue into Ashley's whereabouts. Yeah, the mission kept my mind focused on the ultimate goal, even in the most dangerous of situations. But it was moments like this that I feared, moments of being alone with my thoughts. Thoughts of her. I questioned her decisions, I questioned my decisions. Hell, I even wondered of what we might have been like if the Reapers had never happened, if I never would have died.

My elbows came up to rest on my thighs, as I cover my face with me palms. No matter what I did, Ashley's image floated in my head. I've tried contacting her Omni-tool, nothing. Messages I've sent have never been answered and the Alliance always gives me the same shit, 'The Lieutenant is doing well, her efforts have gone a great deal in improving the situation down here on ground zero.', nothing more, nothing less. It's was getting to be too much.

The sound of the door opening brought me back to the here and now. I tilted my head to the side, trying to see who had come to visit but the grumbling sound of the voice gave me my answer. James.

"Hey, Jefe! What's going on? Big place you got here." He made his way to the living area I currently occupied and sat directly across from me.

"James, enjoying your shore leave so far?" I asked half wondering what he was doing here. In the beginning I could personally say that I really didn't like Vega but after these last few month without Ashley, I've been stuck bringing him along with me on some missions and I will admit that we have a few things in common. Overall, I kinda liked the guy but every time I thought about his huge paws anywhere near my girl….. Let's just say that.. we might not ever be best of pals but he had become a part of my team and as a team leader, I knew that we worked well together and that personal issues aside he was a good team member.

"Yeah, I guess. Have a hot date later, if you know what I mean. Though, I decided to stop by and check out your new digs." He stopped a moment and glanced around at the huge living space, then turned to me with a grin. " If these are the benefits of being a hero, I want in. ASAP."

I stood up from my place on the couch and walked over to the mini bar, grabbing myself a cold beer and offering one to James.

"Thanks, Boss… So how's it going.. I mean we've been on leave for a week and nobody's heard from you until this invite about a house party at your new place." He said as he settled back in his seat, beer still in hand.

"Not, much… I mean, yeah… I've been busy equipping the crew with all the up to date gear and equipment. We can't be caught off guard when we head out, you know… You could say I've been hitting that Specter status for everything it's worth, got my hands on some good stuff too. Grabbed myself a one of a kind AT-12 Raider set, their a beauty…." I let my voice trail off as I remembered the moment I had spotted them. Sketchy Krogan down in the Wards. Probably black market material, but hey.. the moment he flashed them at me, I couldn't help myself. Spent all day after that down on the bench working on them. Few Mods here, then there and they were perfect.

" Nice, though I thought you were a one gun kind of guy, Shepard?" Vegas' brusque voice brought me back to the present.

"Yeah, I am…. Though couldn't let this opportunity pass me by." That was of course, only part of the reason I had purchased the pair. I knew of a Gunnery Chief, who at one time might have appreciated the other half to my new set…

A few moments passed in comfortable silence, we were both relaxing and sipping on our now warm beers. James's brow line gave me the impression that he was deep in thought, though my thoughts were pretty scattered at the moment for me to really care what the other man was thinking about.

I stood to replace the already warm beer in my hand and only took a few steps when the door, once again made a quick whooshing noise announcing the arrival of another guest. Turning, I was met with the lithe figure that belonged to Miranda. Her slick hair always done up in her casual style, gracefully framing her facial features. Her eyes meet mine with a smile when my gaze concluded in peralsual of her figure.

"Thanks for the invite, Shepard…" She breach the remaining distance between us and put her hand up to caress my upper arm. She gave me another one sided smile and stepped out of my personal space.

"So, nice place…. Gift from the Alliance, I presume? Though, never figured you for the Penthouse type."

'_People seem to be figuring things about me all the time...'_ I sarcastically thought to myself.

She made her way to the view provided by the large glass wall on the northern part of the living space. "Has the crew begun to arrive yet? I was hoping to get a few minutes of your time… Alone." She pointedly said before looking in Vega's direction.

"I know where I'm not wanted. I would be offended but.. I have a date before this little shindig so, I'll be back later. See ya, Commander…" He gave me a slight nod and got up from his seat, placing the empty can of beer on the coffee table in front of him. As he passed by where Miranda still stood, Shepard could have sworn he winked at her but looking up to her face I noticed no reaction. Either, I was seeing things, Miranda hadn't actually noticed Vega's gesture or she was a very good actress.

The sound of pressurized air being released signaled James departure from the apartment and Miranda turned towards me. She swayed her way over to me with a feline-like grace. She was what everything women dreamed to be. Perfect in every detail, brain, curves and grace that made up who Miranda was. Yeah, some would say that I would be a fool to let a woman like that get away from me. Hell, even I thought that for a while too. She had been there for those dark times after Horizon…. after my death. Miranda pushed me to my limits, even when at first it had only earned her my resentfulness and suspicions. She knew what I was capable off and she didn't hold back, she didn't worry because she knew I was more than able. Yet… After seeing Ash, after discovering that our.. our spark was still there. I mean, how could I not want that back. Ashley to me was perfect in the fact that she was so imperfect. She wasn't graceful, wasn't afraid to get dirty when the occasion called for it. Yet, she still held so many female qualities about her that she tried so hard to hide, her love of poetry for one, had caught me off guard at first but over time I came to realize that it fit her.

"Shepard, are you alright? You haven't been the same lately…. I.. I don't want to prod but, ever since… ever since 'she' left, you haven't been the same…." Miranda had came closer than I had realized during the time I had been lost in my thoughts and I could feel the warmth radiating from her.

I gazed at her and decided that honesty would be the best way to answer her. She knew how I felt and even in these months without Ashley, I hadn't touched Miranda. Not that the option wasn't there if I really wanted, but I knew that I would end up hurting Miranda and in some weird way I felt that I would be betraying Ashley.

"Miranda, don't worry about me… I know what my job is and I'll get it done. My personal troubles will not affect my goals. Yeah, I'm not going to lie to you, I miss her…. I.. I fucking miss her alright!" That last part came out harsher than what I had wanted but every time I admitted to myself that I missed her, that it hurt to miss her, my heart would blaze open with fresh pain.

"It's like every time I breath, it hurts. When I sleep.. I have nightmares, Miranda...nightmares that I'll get killed and never see her again." I crush the can of beer I've been holding in my vice-like grip, tossing it across the room and spilling its remaining contents on the cream colored wall. Pacing the room, I could feel Miranda's eyes on me and I remember that she shouldn't be the one I take out my frustrations with. She was only worried about me, after all. It wasn't like it was her fault that Ashley once again had felt the need to turn her back on me when I needed the most.

"I'm sorry, Miranda… You shouldn't have to see this." I say as my gaze lands to study the wood patterns on the floor.

"God, Shepard! Do you… Do you love this girl so much that you withdraw like that from us your crew, the people that are behind you one-hundred percent of the time… Bloody hell! She left, it was her choice and she took it. If she loved you so much then why? Why would she leave?... You can't keep yourself hold up like this and if you're not being a hermit, you're out on a personal agenda to get yourself killed during our missions…. You say that it's not getting in the way of your goals.. But lately Shepard, I have no clue if you even know what your goals are anymore. Do you really want to get yourself killed again for Christ sakes!" Miranda was seething and though I knew she had some valid points, I just couldn't take her throwing it all in my face.

"Get Out." I growled and at first I thought she hadn't noticed but the pale look her face took on gave me the slight satisfaction I had wanted. She blinked a few times, her eyebrows drawing in into a deep frown and she delicately stalked towards the door but before exiting spoke over her shoulder.

"I hope that you open your eyes to the woman you think you love. Because I seriously doubt she's thinking about you at this particular moment." And the door locked behind her retreating form.

* * *

><p>Location: <em>Citadel Serpent Nebula, Milky Way_

Time Stamp: 1900_ ERT Hour / November. 29 .2186_

* * *

><p>The get-together had been a success by all accounts. All my present and past crew had some how managed to spare some time and come over, well mostly all of them. Even with the missing crew members the party had managed to be a welcomed distraction from all the chaos around us. James and Jacob had some competition going on that made the whole crew laugh, while Kasumi kept playing pranks on some unsuspecting crew members. Joker seemed to be having Liara blushing for some time during one of his favorite stories about strip poker and watching them together made me smile at all the camaraderie surrounding me. I knew that in a few days this might all be over but I was determined to enjoy whatever was left, while I still had it.<p>

After our little talk Miranda hadn't come back to the apartment. I knew I had been a little harsh on her but I would have never imagined that she would have believed it to be enough for me not to want her around anymore. Yeah, I might not love her like she would have liked but I still believed to be an invaluable part of my crew, part of my family. Her departure hurt, I could admit that but the pain wasn't even close to what I felt whenever I thought about Ashley's departure. That was just another reminder of just how much I had screwed up.

Now that our little time off had ended, the Normandy was on route to the Sol system. We were finally ready for the final run, once we arrived of course, we had to meet with Admiral Hackett and Captain Anderson in London and from there we would set up the final plan of attack. I could tell that the crew was ready from the somber ambiance that had come over the ship decks. We were ready and the Reapers better be ready for us too.


	15. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

* * *

><p>Location: <em>London, England  Earth, Sol System _

Time Stamp: 1900_ ERT Hour / November. 29 .2186_

* * *

><p><strong>Ashley<strong>

* * *

><p>The sky above had a deep purple tint to it, the clouds thick and massive, blocking any hope of seeing the sun's rays. I could hear the wind's howling from the inside of my hardsuit as I paced the small Comm room setup for the ground teams.<p>

From what I've been informed, the Normandy's crew was on it's way here, estimated arrival time was in two hours. Admiral Anderson had given me the choice to decide whether to team up with my old crew for the final showdown or to hold my own with a team across the Thames River. I personally wanted to be here with Shepard, we had promised each other that we would finish this together…. But now with all of these doubts in my head, I didn't know whether to do the selfish thing and stay here with him, which would only rise up the question of whether he still wanted me here with him. Or I could do the selfless act and maintain my distance for the good of the battle. Shepard didn't need a distraction right now, I didn't want to be what held back the only chance this galaxy had left.

If I was being completely honest with myself, I would rather stay. Whether he wanted me to or not, it's what my heart told me to do. After all these months apart from him, my body screamed with anticipation at the thought of being in his proximity.

'_Get it together, Ash ol' girl. You can do this.'_

I took a few more steps towards the opening in the tent and noticed the heavy casualty piles. The landscape was without any of it's former glory, buildings damaged beyond repair littered every street. The devastation was enormous….

I couldn't do this, I loved him beyond anything but I can't drag him down.

With my mind made up and my heart in tatters, I made my way over to the comm system intending to contact the Admiral and inform him of my decision. My fingers stalling for a second over the virtual keyboard.

* * *

><p>Location: <em>Citadel Serpent Nebula, Milky Way_

Time Stamp: 1900_ ERT Hour / November. 29 .2186_

* * *

><p><strong>Shepard<strong>

* * *

><p>The Normandy shuddered as it re-entered the Earthen atmosphere. All crew hands were on deck and every braced themselves for entrance into the battlefield. The mood on board was silent, if even a little anxious. Most crew, the ones with family still out there had already said their goodbyes, everyone preparing for the nearing end. This was the day our future would be decided, our independence as organic species dependent on this final outcome. The responsibility of it all was weighing heavily on the shoulders of the crew.<p>

Once the Ship made it's final descent onto the planet, the ground team hurried about in preparations to disembark. Down in the shuttle bay, James, Garrus and I, prepared our hardsuits and weapons. Making sure to carry as much ammo with us as possible. There was a peaceful silence between us as we individually suited up that was only disturbed by the entrance of Miranda into the bay.

"Gentlemen… The Normandy has already established contact with Admiral Hackett, he has arranged for us to meet at the Comm base located directly on ground zero. I will be accompanying you, as it has come to my attention that my services might be of better use on the ground." Her deep accented voice came closer to me as she spoke. Her eyes finding mine with what I could only compare to sorrow within their deep pools.

I finished clipping the final latches of my breast plate into place and turned to where the rest of my ground team awaited me, suited up and ready. We all turned as one, when the doors to the shuttle bay opened and we stepped off, our metal gravity boots making loud noises as we walked down the ramp.

Devastation greeted us on all sides as we made our way down the barely recognizable streets. The once heavily populated English country was now laid to waste and turned into a miserable ghost town. The sun did not bother to penetrate the massive clouds overhead, probably sensing the futility of gracing this quickly decimated planet. To my left, James made a choking sound as he surveyed his surrounding, Garrus only making a small non-comical comparison to the destruction of his own planet. To my right Miranda, looked paler than normal and instinctually made her way closer to me, her hand grazing mine lightly.

We reached the tent that held all the main comm systems for the ground teams, stopping shortly before it's entrance. I turned towards my team signalling for Garrus to head on over to where the main ground cannons were being prepared. No words needed to be exchanged in between us as he knew that his efforts would be served best where the big guns were concerned.

He turned from us with a quick "I got this Shep."

Then I turned my attention to my two remaining team members. James seemed a bit impatient so I gave him quick instructions to oversee what casualties had happened and to find out what the different strategies where among the different ground teams. He nodded his head in understanding and he turned with a quick promise to come back with all the information he could gather.

That only left me and Miranda. She looked uncertain for a minute before closing the gap between us and linked our hands together.

"Shepard… I.. I'm sorry.." She began but I interrupted her before she could continue.

"There's nothing for you to be sorry about, Miranda. You said what was on your mind and I admire that about you."

"No, Shepard. You don't understand… I shouldn't have…. I should tell you…" For the first time in a long time I could see Miranda actually struggling with her words. Which is something that didn't come naturally to her.

"It's okay Miranda, we can have this talk after this is all over. For now, you should go see what you can help out with. " My hand let go of hers and lightly traced her chin and bottom lip. She nodded slightly and looked about to argue the ending of our conversation but I gave her no time, as I walked into the tent and left her to go do what she had come here to do.

My steps faltered as I took in the inside of the tent. There she was… In all her armoured glory and her chocolate eyes blazing directly into mine. Her hand raised up to salute me and I was stunned at her formality. Though my legs quickly regain their strength as I stalked towards her.

"Ashley?" I said slowly as if the mere voicing of her name would scare her away.

I closed the distance between us and wrapped my arms around her, nuzzling my head against her shoulder and breathing in her scent. Her response to my unexpected embrace was stiff but after a few moments she returned the embrace by wrapping her arms around me too. At the change in her stance, my arms tightened about her and I whispered her name once more, mostly just to assure myself that she was actually there.

The relief was short lived as my mind reminded me of the last few miserable months I'd spent trying to figure out why she had abandoned me. My arms suddenly unwrapped from her waist, my hands coming up to rest on her upper arms holding her tightly in place.

"Why...Why the fuck did you leave?" I was barely able to suppress the anger I was feeling but her returning stiff posture told me that this conversation was coming to a close. The look she gave me made my hold on her loosen enough for her to free herself although she still stood right in front of me.

"I couldn't…. and won't hold you back… Even if it kills me." With that she turned from me and strolled out the same entrance I had come through.

* * *

><p>Location: London<em> Earth_

Time Stamp: 1300_ ERT Hour / November. 30 .2186_

* * *

><p><strong>Ashley<strong>

* * *

><p>Run, duck, shoot.<p>

The mantra kept repeating itself over and over again in my head as I made my way deeper into the battlefield. Steady gunfire and explosions danced it's ways across the field of blood. Corpses of all kind littered the Thames river and the surrounding muddy banks.

The Admiral had just given the Go to all the ground teams to race towards the beam. Whom ever made it there would have to help in the engaging of the catalyst. This was going to be our ultimate blow, everything depended on this shot.

From the corner of my bloody eye I could see the sudden glow of the beam being turned on. I turned towards it's direction a made a large effort to run towards it. My weapons warming the palms of my hands as it fired round after round in all directions. I could feel the wind blowing through my hair and cooling my sweaty forehead, as I ran at full speed towards the beam.

With a sudden bang, I was blown off my feet and tossed towards the ground hard. I hadn't noticed what had make the large explosion until I saw Harbingers beam line up again. My legs kicked and the floor as I struggled to get behind cover, knowing that if I didn't this would be the end. My boots scraped against the dirt ground, pushing my body behind a large overturned tank.

Another explosion went off near by and the tank that I was using as cover, tipped on its side. My world tunneled around me as a fought of unconsciousness caused by the second explosion.

'_I need to move before this thing crushes me.'_ I thought, as I flopped onto my belly to haul myself out of the way by my arms. Suddenly, I felt strong arms wrap around me and at the same time I was lifted off the ground and carried off. My vision was swimming in and out but I caught a glimpse of a chiseled jaw covered by light stubble and large amounts of blood.

I could feel myself being placed on a solid surface and I tried to sit up.

"Ashley… You're seriously hurt. Stay still!" The voice was rough with some unknown emotion and my clouded mind tried to focus once again on my savior. I reached up my hand blindly and grazed the soldier's face, wondering why I felt this pang of recognition at his tenderness.

"Liara will stay with you here, if things get out of hand, Joker has instructions to leave immediately." His voice tried to sooth me, I assumed, but at the mention of my former squad mate my mind grasped on to reality. It screamed to me that this was Shepard and that this was goodbye.

At the realization of who had saved me, the hand that was grazing his face came down to grasp hold of his armour. My other hand immediately came up to hold on to the other side of his breastplate and I held on as tightly as I could.

"Don't leave me, please…." I whispered into his chest.

His hand came up to rest right under my chin, bringing my eyes to meet his sad gaze. Through his eyes I could see all the things that he tried to say but couldn't vocalize. I could feel the love and regret radiating from him. The hand on my chin brought my face closer to his and our lips grazed each others gently, a whisper of all the emotions that would probably never come to be.

Tears began to stream down my face and when I felt him pull back, the hands that once held onto his chest wrapped around his neck bringing his lips back onto mine. I kissed him like I had never had before. My lips exploring the contours of his lips and tongue. It was rough, passionate but shortly lived as my energy reached its maximum depletion and my arms lost their hold on him.

This time he released me a bit less willingly.

"I Love you, Ashley." His hand came up to wipe some of the stray tears that had come streaming down my cheek. He then disentangled himself from me and stepped away a few feet.

"We'll see each other again. I promise you that.." And with that he turned away from me a strolled down the Normandy's shuttle bay ramp.


	16. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

* * *

><p><em>Location: Treyamus  Cacus / Hades Gamma_

_Time Stamp: 1500 ERT Hour / November. 30 . 2189_

* * *

><p><strong>Ashley<strong>

* * *

><p>Two years without progress. Two-heart-wrenching-years without knowing anything. Without having any word from the Alliance, though the crew had chalked that up to our messed up Comm systems. These years of sleeping in sheets that no longer smelled like him. Trying to sleep while my brain and senses tried to ingrain in me all the times we had spent together on this very bed, on these very sheets.<p>

Turning my head to one side, I took a peek at the blaring red numbers on the nightstand. Time to get up. I rolled towards the edge of the bed, slipping my feet in unison onto the cold floor. Now-a-days my body seemed to run on autopilot as my heart, my soul, took a back seat to the daily operations of my life. I awoke every day at the same time. Got up, got dressed and worked until I was exhausted enough not to think. The crew seemed to be so enraptured with their own worries that I was beginning to slip through the cracks. Joker was an understandable mess with the loss of EDI and his usual pertinence to involve himself with everyone's life wasn't as it used to be. He grieved his loss on his own time and did his best to put the lives of the still living above his own sorrow. I tried to take a page out of his big book of grief but I had already grieved once and this time around, my body didn't have the will to overcome the pain. This time the odds were so against us that if any spark of hope was left in me, it faded a little more with each passing day.

The repairs on the Normandy were progressing slowly yet smoothly. From what Traynor had informed me, she expected us to be ready for departure within the year. We were, after all, on some godforsaken and uninhabited exo-planet, the needed resources for repairs were being mined directly from the planet but they needed to be re-purposed to fit our needs and that process was a long, tedious one.

As it stood we weren't fully crewed. When the Normandy was sent out to London it only contained a basic skeleton crew for the needed daily functions of the ship and Shepard's specialized crew. Upon landing on Earth, the skeleton crew had remained on board as well as Joker, Liara, Traynor and EDI. When the command had come in to evacuate, only Vega had returned to the ship.

It felt strangely quiet aboard the huge ship as we had accustomed ourselves with the past events and as we contemplated our course of action in our current situation. Everyone had kept to themselves during our first days on this desolated planet, everyone grieving to themselves as a way to release some of the tension that had been a constant during the war. We didn't know if the Reapers were still a threat but as the weeks passed and no sign of threat emerged, our focus turned to repairs and strategizing best ways to return home, if there was still any home out there left for us.

* * *

><p><em>Location: Treyamus  Cacus / Hades Gamma_

_Time Stamp: 0700 ERT Hour / November. 21 .2190_

* * *

><p>Twelve more excruciating months and we're at least able to fly the Normandy within the planet's atmo. The basic functions of the ship were restored to proper standards but we weren't ready for the long voyage home. From what we could surmise the relays in most probability wouldn't be functioning and our Navigation systems estimated that the long route home could take up to two years if all of our systems weren't brought up to full capacity. The crew had set up a base camp on the planet's surface and we'd devised teams for all the basics that needed to be done for our survival. Teams to acquire food, materials for repairs and security. As time past our efforts proved fruition when we discovered ways to produce fuel for the Normandy. As it went we had gathered enough to last us the whole way home and the team was diligently working on assembling a reserve of fuel for emergency purposes. We wanted to be ready for anything. Our Comms were still down but after weeks of careful investigation we surmised two possible faults for that. Either the Planet's highly magno-electric fields, which formed rings around the planet, were interfering with our systems or there really was no other side to our messages. As it stood, we had only reached fifty-percent of functions to the ship, so we weren't prepared to test our theory as of yet.<p>

Joker had become more optimistic in the last few weeks, cracking jokes once in awhile and bringing laughter to the sometimes somber mood that cocooned the crew. Liara and Traynor had become invested in their work, at times working to the point that I had to directly order them to rest. They worked mostly on the technical aspects of the repairs and were regularly improving on one or other of the Normandy's systems. Vega had become a helpful leader when it came to managing the teams that gathered food and materials. For those little bits of advancement, I was truly thankful.

James hadn't brought up our past relationship in these past months. He knew what needed to be done and he did it without question. Sometimes, I would feel his gaze on me but he never followed up. I wasn't ready for anything other than camaraderie. I probably never would be ready again. My heart had gone through to much pain in the passing years, that a relationship was as far-fetched to my mind as it was to my heart. Yet, James still supported me on every decision and became something of a close friend. He never brought up Shepard, or anything that would bring up painful memories of him. My heart had come back into my daily life as I watched my crew, my friends, cope with their losses. My own pain tucked into a box at the back of my subconscious, for all of our benefits. A pain that only came at night, when I didn't have his warm hold around me, his comforting words. When I didn't have his lips to bring forth the light into my increasingly dark nightmares.

It wasn't as if I hadn't been without him before, heck, the last time around I had been messed up pretty badly. For a time there, I would drink like a Krogan on holiday, trying to wash away his memory. But it had only been a few months at best. I had recovered, moved on. Driving my concentration so deeply in my work with the Alliance, that every promotion went un-celebrated, unwanted. My work had become everything because I had known then that I would never have him the way I wanted. The way I had needed him. The way I still need him.

"Ashley?" Liara called from the doorway into my cabin.

"Yeah, just a sec. Just finished polishing the Javelin." I swiped a bit of polishing grease off the metal surface of the barrel, making it shine. It was Shepard's favorite gun and as fate had set it, it had remained on the Normandy and later became the piece of him that I had been craving, even if it was just a small piece of him.

"I have some good news, you might want to know about first. I just need a second of your time." She said, her eyes expectant as they waited for my reply.

"Yeah, go ahead. I could do with some good news today." I replied, turning on my seat to face her completely. She signaled to the hall outside my door and Traynor walked in followed by…. by EDI!

I stood from where I was reclining as the AI came further into the room. My thoughts immediately going to Joker and I looked towards Liara questioningly.

"We've been able to recover some of her processing and data files. The beam might have disabled all Artificial Intelligence but it didn't remove our knowledge on how to create and repair them…" Liara's blue eyes traveled to Traynor as the woman nervously fiddled with her hands.

"I'm sorry if we've overstepped our limits, Lieutenant Williams, but I thought… I thought that since EDI was integrally part of the ship, then maybe bringing her back would help our repairs." Traynor's nervous words made me smile just a bit, her formality never ceasing to amaze me, nor her complete respect for the chain of command. She reminded me of myself, in my younger days, though I would never have been so shy about a decision I felt strongly about.

I gave her an approving nod and turned my attention towards EDI. "EDI, it's good to have you on board once again." I stuck out my hand to give her a firm Alliance shake, when I noticed that up to that moment she hadn't said a thing. My gaze traveled back to Liara.

"Her systems aren't completely up to date but we're working on it. We should have her back and running in a matter of days. Though most of her ship connections have been repaired. We just need to test it out, which brings us to our second reason for coming to see you Ash…. We don't exactly know how to bring it up with Jeff." At that EDI's head turned to face Liara and my brows rose at her newly found curiosity.

"Do you remember Joker, EDI?" I spoke directly towards her and she turned again to face me and nodded. "At least she remembers him, what's there to worry? He should be ecstatic to have her back."

Liara and Traynor both turned towards me and nodded their agreement. Traynor then smiled. "I was thinking that maybe we could use this opportunity to boost morale around the crew. We could throw a little celebration to welcome back EDI and celebrate the advancement in our repairs of the Normandy. I found a crate with a stash of some fine Asari brandy.."

"You what?!" Liara and I said in unison. The thought of having a cold drink sounded magnificent, although any chance of there being any would be low, just having a few drinks and relaxing sounded just as good.

"Oh yes! I found it down in the shuttle bay when I was looking for some wiring equipment a few weeks back. I hadn't thought about it since." Her chirpiness at forgetting such a detail, made me want to slap myself but as the crew leader it wouldn't look well for me to lose my cool like that.

"Well that sounds like a good idea, Liara get the crew together and Traynor can go get this forgotten crate of hers. We can do this tonight and with any luck the crew can be in good enough spirits to wake up tomorrow and hurry our way back home for a bigger celebration."

With most of the bodily repairs on the Normandy done, Liara had decided to use the Crew deck for our festivities. Traynor had set out to cool what she discovered to be an assortment of cognacs, Dextro-friendly wine and two cases of good ole' fashion whiskey. Some of the skeleton crew had volunteered to gather extra rations to supply for a good meal and even Vega had volunteered to find some music. Everything seemed to be coming together and I was encouraged enough to have a smile on my face as I made my way to get Joker from the Cockpit.

Coming up behind his seat my grin grew wider as I caught him smoothing his palms over the leather of his chair. His gaze far away. I knew he missed EDI, and I was some what happy that at least some of us would have a chance to live long enough to enjoy their future.

"Joker? You ready? The crew's assembling down on the deck."

"Yeah, yeah… I heard you. Just making sure everything's running good with my baby before I go have some 'fun'." His sarcastic way of saying it, made my smile widened. "She'll be fine, come on Joker."

I helped him up out of his chair and we made our way down towards the crew deck. Some of the crew had already arrived and James was over at kitchenette setting up what seemed to be a sound system. The air had a sweet smell to it and I suspected that some of the crew had already gotten started on supper. Joker, who had been standing next to me perusing the scene, made his way over to a few stools by James and took a seat. Leaning towards Vega with a smirk on his face.

His personality had made a full comeback since our landing here and he had formed a strong bond with James. I had often caught them trading raunchy stories back and forth, their laughter could be heard until the wee hours of the morning.

My gaze caught Traynor over by the makeshift bar near the Medbay and she waved me over. Her perkiness while doing so, never ceasing to amaze me.

"So.. Is everything ready?" I whispered conspiratorially at her when I reached her side.

"Yup, we're just waiting for the rest of the team to arrive from their tasks. Want something to drink while you wait?"

I nodded to her and she passed me a clear cup with a blue liquid inside. As I drank I looked around to the assembled crew and my memory went back to a time when I use to have this with him. A time that I knew would never come again. Shaking my head out of those dark thoughts, I looked up to see Liara standing by the door. She nodded at me and I realized as temporary Commander of the Crew, she wanted me to call attention to the gathered soldiers. So, I stood from my seat, my legs a bit wobbly. I was never good at the whole speeches thing but tonight I would step up to the plate that Shepard once occupied on this very same Ship.

"My fellow crew mates and friends if I could have your attention for a minute… Before your sorry asses get too wasted."I chuckled at that last bit and the crew followed along with me in laughter. "Tonight is to celebrate that we're alive and we'll soon be home!" The assembled crew rumbled with approval and some took shots to that. "I would like to say that some of us have some good news to share." I looked towards Liara and she stepped forward bringing the crews attention towards her.

"As some of you may know, myself and Traynor have been working hard on a way to speed up our progress and bring us all safely back home. We concentrated on the technical side of the situation and decided on a course of action. We have not previously shared this information, since we weren't completely sure at the time of it's success but after much deliberation, we believe that we have the solution."

The room was eerily silent and everyone waited with baited breath for Liara to continue. Though Liara's attention was fully on Joker.

"Joker, could you come up here for a second?" She asked and everyone turned towards him.

"If this is to make me the human sacrifice or human joke target, let me say I'm not going down without a fight!" Joker said though he made his way to Liara anyway.

"Traynor, If you could bring her in please."

Traynor who had conveniently placed herself by the med bay doors, turned and entered a code into the console. The doors slid open and EDI stepped forward. At first there were a few gasps, then the questions began to make themselves known. The how's, when's, and 'I can't believe it' where among the most pronounced. Joker's face on the other hand was cold silent. His features were serious and his palms had become fists. His once joking expression had completely vanished and the tip of his ears where shot red.

"What the Fuck!... Why would you guys do this!" His posture rigid, his tone bitter. Tears were beginning to stream down his face as even his neck flushed with aggravation. He turned stiffly and walked out, leaving the rest of us in complete bafflement to his reaction. On the other side of the room Vega made a move to go after him but I held up my hand and stopped him. This was my mess to clean up.

I knew that to find Joker wouldn't be my biggest problem, he only went so many places. But to talk him out of this fit would be a new avenue for me and I wasn't looking forward to it. I didn't even have the first clue on why he would react in such a way. I knew first hand that he missed her, I couldn't comprehend why he would be so furious at her return.

As I neared the cockpit I could hear muffled curses and grunts. I debated for a second if I should just let him be, but I decided against it. He had to face the fact that she had returned.

"Joker?" I asked from behind him.

"Get out Ash. I need to be alone right now." His voice came out a bit rough and I instinctively knew that he was holding on to his control.

"What's wrong Joker? I thought you would be happy to have EDI back in your life." At my question he swirled to face me, tears still running down his face.

"Yes, I want EDI back! Not some robot with none of her in that metallic body!" he yelled and I had a moment of dejavu about another situation this recalled for me. A situation, I had been in some time ago.

"Joker… That is EDI. Liara was able to bring back most of her functions… she remembers you." I said, stretching my hand out to him. "Give her a chance… it's her. You have another chance, don't ruin it like I did." With that I turned and stalked towards my cabin. This night going from festive to failure.


	17. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

* * *

><p><em>Location: Earth  Sol System_

_Time Stamp: 1500 ERT Hour / November .30 . 2189_

* * *

><p><strong>Shepard<strong>

* * *

><p>The beeping of machinery came at a steady rhythm, which happened to coincided with the steady rhythm of Doctors and nurses that came in and out of the small room I slept in. The occasional visits from Hackett, Garrus, Tali and the many frequent visits by a very anxious Miranda, all had me wishing for a higher dose of that shit they kept giving me for the pain. Six fractures to the cranium, two broken legs and plenty of internal bleeding. Major spinal damage followed down the list, which was only overshadowed by two collapsed lungs and a destroyed carotid artery. My body was so badly burned in some areas, that it had taken medics six months to regrow all the dead tissue and burnt skin. The doctors had said that the injuries had been so severe, my body had to lay in an incubator for months while I was slowly put back together. Thankfully, I had been found alive and during six surgeries and multiple bone settings,my heart had never faltered. Unconscious as I had been, I persevered through it all.<p>

When I had first woken up, Miranda had been the first person I had seen. I didn't know it was her at the time, not like I really knew her now, but that's besides the point. She had been sitting in a really uncomfortable looking chair, head tilted against the wall and hair half covering her face. I noticed her paperwork was scattered on the floor, probably having fallen from her lap. I tried to refocus on her features, trying to recall where I knew her from… but nothing came. Then she had woken up and had given me such a relieved smile, that I quickly contemplated the idea of not revealing my lack of recollection, but then decided against it. Lying was never the best answer and I wouldn't start now. Lucky guess, that one, because she'd already been expecting something in that general area when I awoke and had questioned me endlessly on everything from my childhood to romantic affairs I'd conducted in the last few years. That last part had left me feeling a bit curious and I hadn't missed the interest she'd displayed at my answers. After being thoroughly interrogated by Miranda, she had left me with the doctors as they examined me. But she'd returned just a few hours later with a tray of food and an even bigger smile on her face.

She gave me the rundown of what had happened to me, placing a stack of manila folders on my lap and placing the meal tray on the side table. I was given the basic details of my life that she had known or witnessed herself and she had told me to read through the dossiers and reports contained within the files she had given me, that that would tell me everything I needed to know. After that day, we had fallen into an easy routine. She came by my room a few times a day, we would talk about the past and about the progress of the multitude of repairs that were on going. She never questioned or pushed for me to remember any details on the past, more than happy to give me her perspective of things. Sometimes, I was thankful for her easy-going attitude towards my condition, it was enough trying to take in all that I had already learned but other times, like today, I sensed something off with this whole situations. On those days, I was even more frustrated than usual. Physically, I was recovering better than expected. I could walk around, albeit with a slight limp, but beggars couldn't be choosers. My mobility was mostly back, and with all my constant physical therapy, I would be back to normal very soon. Or so the doctors kept saying. But mentally, I was pretty much the same. I could recall bits and pieces, sometimes a smell would trigger a memory or a voice, but nothing bigger that a few second flash ever came. Then there was that nagging sense that something was being kept from me.

As I paced my hospital room, I recalled all those visits with _friends_ that brought suspicion to me. It wasn't as if they were acting strangely around me, if anything they were usually very chipper around me, usually Garrus was cracking a joke whereas Tali would giggle nervously. Miranda never really took part of these conversations but I would catch her watching them, as if waiting for something to happen. On a few occasions, when the conversation turned to the past, the stories they told felt as if they were missing gaps. I don't really know how to explain the sensation but, as amnesiac as I might be at the moment, I wasn't stupid. I knew, with almost no doubt that something wasn't right. Then there was that conversation I had heard on my way to my room a few days ago after finishing yet another therapy session, this one a bit earlier than usual. Miranda and Tali must have been waiting for me to return to my room and where sure I wouldn't' return until later because the door had been left open and I could clearly hear and see what was happening from the hallway without being noticed.

o0o

_"It's psychological, I'm sure of it… It has to be." Miranda said, sending her hand through her hair._

_"Mi… um.. Miranda, are you listening to me?" Tali asked as she huffed an inpatient sigh through her breather._

_"What is it, Tali? I'm extremely occupied at the moment." The brunette responded without looking up from the medical charts she held._

_The Quarian began wringing her hands together, probably debating whether to continue with whatever she had wanted to say._

_"I know you're worried about him, we all are. But he's not something you can fix in the course of a few months. He needs time to heal…. and I don't mean physically. Shepard's tough, we all know that but he's still just one person. His mind needs to assimilate with everything that went on, everything that he's gone through. He needs to be able to mourn those he's lost. If you would just tell him…."_

_"Don't you think I know that!..." Miranda lifted one hand to rub her forehead, she probably hadn't meant for it to come out like that. " Look, I know that Shepard's strong and very capable… I just don't know if telling him everything will even make a difference now. It's been years now, they haven't returned or communicated with us and he still doesn't remember it all. So, why cause him more pain? Sometimes, when it's just us and I'm with him, he just stares off into space… and.. and that haunted look on his face… It bloody well kills me inside! He doesn't need that pain and I won't allow it to happen. I just.. I won't. Don't you see that?"_

_Tali tilted her head sympathetically to the side and placed one hand on the Operative's shoulder. "Miranda, just try to remember that we might never have the old Shepard back. He may never come out of that shell, it would be for the best if we just support him with this and help him move on…." But she never finished as she was cut off by Miranda's outstretched hand._

_"No. I won't. Under any circumstances. Please, just go before he comes back."_

_With that Tali turned around and I had had almost no time to duck behind the safe cover that a nurse's desk had thankfully provided to avoid from being seen._

o0o

Today, at least I was a bit less tense than usual. I was finally being released from the hospital and I was thankful to be back in uniform. These BDU's felt familiar. Their weight on my body felt.. right. I had already contacted an Alliance barracks to the north of Vancouver that was more than happy to have me aboard and now all I had to do was wait for my doctors before a transporter took me to my new unknow future.

As I sat to re-tie my boots for what seemed like the millionth time, I heard the all to familiar click of Miranda's booted heels. I looked up from my laces to see her reach my door with a small quirk of her lips.

"Shepard. Glad to see you back in uniform." She gave me a once over, from toe to head and added. "It still fits you well, might I add." Her voice low and teasing.

I got up from my spot on the chair, and stretched out. "It feels good to be back in them." I said, though her eyes gazed at me as if she'd rather see me without the said uniform.

She then held out a stack of white forms and smiled at me more fully. "I have your release papers right here. You're free to go… Under some conditions, of course."

"Of course. " I repeated. Knowing full well of the condition the doctors where sure to have given me. See, this was the reason I didn't particularly liked doctors. They always needed to shove something in me then proceed to tell me what my own body needs. Like if I didn't know already. My body here.

"You'll have to continue your therapy and exercise those knew muscles daily. Apart from that you should continue to recover at the same rate. I've rented us a cabin about a mile from here. Nothing, that I would have preferred but it has all the adequate necessities, so we will just have to adjust for the time being. It does have a nice view of the lake, so it'll do." She then paused and looked around noticing my packed bags on the bed. "At least I won't have to pack for you. Eager to escape this hospital, Shepard?" Miranda said with a raised eyebrow, moving to grab the bags.

"Hell yeah. If I see any more doctors in my life time, it'll be too soon. Though, I'm a bit surprised, were leaving together. You hadn't mentioned anything." I question, truly curious as to her forwardness on the matter.

She stopped in front of me and looked up at my face, my bags still clutched in both her hands. "We had something, Shepard. I was sort of hoping we could again." She looked away and blinked a few times as if deciding whether to continue. " I don't want to pressure you. But I love you and want what's best for you. Don't worry." She finished as she looked back up to my face. "You'll have your own bedroom. And as to the why I hadn't mentions it before was because I just signed the lease this morning. You have no clue the devastation this whole mess has had on the real estate business." She finished with a laugh and exited the room expecting me to follow behind.

* * *

><p><em>Location: Earth  Sol System_

_Time Stamp: 0700 ERT Hour / September.29 . 2190_

* * *

><p>Miranda had found a small two bedroom cottage on the outskirts of Maine. In a little town that had been spared major destruction. The house was a bit shabby, something I knew she wouldn't have ever dreamed of getting under any other circumstances. It did indeed overlook a small lake and it made me feel at peace just to sit there and watch it some days. We'd been living here for about a year and things had been going fine. Things were kind of uneventful, except for the few times that a major advancement had been made on the international level. A few Mass Relays were up and running now, though progress was slow in coming. As for our relationship, what can I say? I don't really love Miranda. At Least, not that I could tell. She's good to me, there's no denying that. But I can't avoid the fact that the few times we've attempted to even kiss, it had been awkward to say the least. I know she loves me. I can see it in the way she looks at me when she thinks I'm not paying attention. Our when her voice softens when she speaks to me. Yet, I can't help how I feel. And I can't help that I know she's hiding something. I just don't know what or why. And as time passes, maybe I'll stop caring about what she's hiding. Maybe, I'll just remember one day, and find that it wasn't that important after all. But deep inside I had this feeling that I couldn't shake. I was missing out.<p>

Out on the terrace, my gaze traveled down the length of the recovering horizon. Flexing my palm in front of my face, I studied the skin there as it stretched over the man-made muscles and bones. It felt real. Looked real and yet it wasn't. Strangely, I was okay with that. My body may no longer be mine per say but my mind was still mine, a little muddled but mine nonetheless.

"Shepard, what's wrong?" Miranda's soft voice came from behind me. Her arm coming up to rest against my shoulder and I inwardly flinched. I knew she must have notice the scowl on my face.

"Just thinking…" I replied, not looking at her. "What's for dinner?"

"For dinner?" She asked, a bit confused and the smirked. "Shepard, please we've been through this. I don't cook, never have never will. I'll order you take out, if you want. Now come in, Admiral Hackett said that he'd be coming around soon." She laughed and I smiled as I turned to watch her walk back into the house.

Taking in a nice and relaxing breath of air, I stood and followed Miranda inside. She was in the living area, or what was considered the main living area since she'd turned it into her own personal office. Her fingers typing furiously into the computer on her desk.

"Miranda, when's Hackett due to arrive?" I spoke up, hoping to gain her attention. It worked because she turned from the projected screen to face me.

"In about an hour. Said he had something he would like to speak with us about in person." Her chest rose as she took a large intake of breath and I rose an eyebrow at her. All day she'd been acting strangely, even more so than when I questioned her about the battle with the Reapers. It wasn't that I didn't believe her accounts of the story because she'd plenty of evidence in the destroyed landscapes that surrounded us. But again, sometimes I felt like there were gaps in the scenarios I was told. Miranda knew a lot about the battle, but some parts were told as if she'd been an observer of the events rather than an actual participant.

I could recollect up to a certain point in my life. Growing up with my mother on the SSR Newton, joining the Alliance and even up to the Blitz. I remembered Anderson, whom Miranda had said had died heroically during the last stand. But that was it. I couldn't remember my supposed time on the Normandy nor my subsequent death and corruption by Cerberus. Least of all the last year of struggles before the last battle and although I could always investigate a little deeper, I still felt the need to trust Miranda. At least for now.

"You need anything else, Shepard?" Miranda's voice penetrated my thoughts.

"No, I'm going to go shower and change. Let me know when Hackett arrives."

With that I left the room and climbed up the staircase into one of the three rooms that occupied the second level, anxious to have a serious conversation with the admiral. I was, after all, only thirty five and I felt ready to go back to work. I needed the military, it ran in my blood, in my DNA and there was more to be done for me to retire.

An hour later and I found myself dressed and showered, heading down the steps to the kitchen. Voices could be heard and I assumed that Hackett had arrived. As I neared the voices I stalled, not wanting to over hear but intrigued to know what the heated discussion was about.

'_This is becoming a really bad habit of mines.' _I said to myself, but still took cover behind the open door way to listen in.

"Ms. Lawson... Miranda, you need to understand. He needs to know. The relays have been up and functioning for the last month and we've begun to send scouring parties to see how the other sections of the galaxy are faring… We've received signals matching the ship's. Techs are working on the dates of transmission as we speak. If they're out there, they'll do what it takes to come home. It's only a matter of time now." Hackett voiced, worry lacing his words.

"No! I can't." Miranda protested in response. "There would be no point in telling him. If they haven't returned by now…. why would I tell him that he's lost more than he thinks he has. Shepard deserves a new start, a fresh one. He doesn't need the memory of more losses on his shoulders. If they are out there, it's only their remains you'll find. The likelihood of anything else is unfathomable."

"Miranda, I believe otherwise. I agree that Shepard deserves a new start but he also deserves to know all of the truth, no matter how painful. Maybe it's you that's afraid of what will happen when he finds out what's been hid from him. He's a very intelligent man, if he suspects the slightest thing, he will investigate."

"I haven't been the only one to hide things from him, Admiral." Miranda retorted. And I cringed at the tone she used.

"I… He needs to know, Miranda and I have to tell him. You need to understand and if you feel that you need to inform him of that particular matter, then so be it."

The back door slammed shut and I realized that the conversation I was planning to have with Hackett would have to wait. I heard Miranda let out a breath and decided in an instant that I should keep this new information to myself for a while. So I made my way back into my bedroom without announcing my presence.

The next morning I set out before Miranda had even woken. Taking a shuttle I had requested the night before. Once I arrived at the HQ, I'd been escorted to the main offices and sent to wonder on my own. I wasn't very familiar with the facilities but that could have been due to the major reconstruction that was still going on. From there it took me hours to scour the archives and find the dossiers of every member known to have served on the Normandy with me, skeleton crew and all. By the time I was done, it was too late to return home and honestly, I was too exhausted to deal with Miranda's inevitable questions. So, I arranged to bunk at HQ and settled into my new room to study the files I had gathered.


	18. Chapter 17

**_Chapter 17_**

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><p><em>Location: Earth  Sol System_

_Time Stamp: 0900 ERT Hour / April .08 . 2190_

* * *

><p><strong><em>Ashley<em>**

* * *

><p>"Joker! What's the ETA?" I hollered over my comm as the ship wavered and rocked on it's way through the newly activated relay. Upon the discovery of the working relay, Joker had sent a shit-load of transmissions over the Comm bayous. Hoping that if some of the Relays had been fixed then the Comm systems would be up and running too.<p>

"Give me a sec, my baby's trying as hard as she can…." His signal wavered and with a frustrated sigh I ripped the earpiece out of my ear. Placing the datapad I had been holding onto my desk, I took the elevator down to the cockpit.

The ship lurched to the right as I got off the elevator and I went flying. My elbow connecting with the memorial board that still hanged on the deck wall.

"Damn! What the hell Joker!" I rubbed my elbow when I got up and continued make my way to the cockpit. Upon entering it, I caught the view out the massive window and the anger in me vanquished.

'_Earth!'_ It's blue-green aura shining back at them. '_Thank the heavens!'_

The Ship slowly descended and Joker turned to look at me. "We're here." He sing-songed in the most annoying voice. One I was willing to forgive considering the circumstances. "Where would you like to station?"

"Vancouver, Alliance Headquarters." I said mindlessly as I continued to stare out the window in awe.

"Vancouver base, Normandy requesting permission to land. Repeat, we're fucking home! Open the doors!" Joker laughed over the Comm, sending a transmission down to the ground-side base.

"Normandy, you have permission to land. Dock Delta twelve, station nine. Repeat, you have permission to land, instructions have been sent to your stationing system. Welcome home, Normandy. AHQ central port, out."

As the message came over the speakers, the crew could be heard cheering. Everyone gathering whatever belongings they had left to touch ground once more after years of space voyage. I didn't have anything I wanted to take. All I wanted or could possibly have left would be down on the ground and I couldn't wait to land. My family, mother and sisters alike where down on earth again, the last time I heard of them they were all together. As for Shepard, I was prepared for the worst but hoping for the best against all odds.

It took several minutes to land and safely dock. It took even longer for de-sterilization and customs but after the tortuously long wait the crew, as a whole, bounded down the hall that would lead to their greeting party. When the final doors slid open, Hackett stood there. A proud smile on his face as he extended his arms to welcome us.

"It's not as big of a welcoming as I hoped for you guys but this is extremely short notice." He spoke up, winking with one wrinkly eye. "It's been too long." And then the whole waiting area burst into applause and people cheered and cried over the return of some of their saviors.

After a few minutes of celebrations, everyone agreed to communicate later but then shuffled off to look for their own loved ones. Joker, myself, EDI and Vega where the last to leave because we had decided to accompany the Admiral to his offices for a quick update before we parted ways.

In his office we all took seats, comfortable for once not to have any major catastrophe thrown at us. Hackett looked around the group and took a deep intake of breath, shortly after releasing it as if some tension had finally been released from his system.

"You have no clue how long I questioned what had happened to you guys and honestly, I feel relieved. I'm grateful to have you guys back in one piece and alive... As you can probably see, there's been a lot of changes and reconstruction. Everyone is slowly getting back in pace and things are starting to return to normal." He glanced around the room once more, knowing full well what question was pressing most of our minds.

"Shepard's alive... As a matter of fact, I was informed earlier that he's on this very station today. But there's…" Hackett didn't even finish.

_Shepard's alive! Alive and only a few meters from me at this very instant._

I didn't know what I was doing until I was scrabbling up from my seat and racing out the door. I didn't catch the last part of Hackett's sentence and I couldn't bring myself to care. All I wanted was to find him. I needed to see him, to feel him.

Tapping furiously on my omni-tool as I raced down the hallway, I located the program I needed and found Shepard's code. It was a system we used while in battle to track each other in case someone became lost. The omni-tool on my wrist binged, announcing that it had located him. I looked at the schematics and took the next flight of steps to the barracks section of the station. I felt out of breath as I ran at full speed down the hallway. Heart racing in my chest at the possibility of seeing him once again.

Two more turns and I would be where my omni-tool signaled his location to be. So caught up in the scanning of my directions that I ran right into solid muscle and bounced right off, making my balance falter. If it wasn't for a pair of strong arms, I would have landed on my ass.

Startled, I looked up and almost cried. _ 'Shepard.'_

My arms wrapped around him and I leaned into his chest, tears of sorrow and joy spilling from my eyes as I sobbed into his shoulder. I wasn't one for crying but after so many months, years, I finally felt as if I'd arrive home in his arms.

"Shepard…" I whispered and buried my head in the crook of his neck and shoulder. His arms coming around me tentatively, if not a bit unsure. And that surprised me for a moment, long enough for me to raise my face back up him.

He stared back at me, eyes blazing into mine. His arms tightening a fraction around my waist, his nostrils flaring as they took in my scent. Then he shook his head and released me.

"Can I help you?" He said, his voice as deep and rough as ever, making my stomach flutter.

I watched him carefully, wondering if this was some cruel joke on his part. His eyes bore into mine as if searching my very soul, yet they held no recognition.

"Shepard… Skipper, it's me. Ashley. Don't play games with me, it's not funny. Aren't you happy to see me?" I whispered, stepping back from his personal space.

"Ashley!... Ashley!" Vega's voice came calling from down the hall and I turned to look in the general direction of his voice, too stunned from what I'd seen in Shepard's eyes to pay any attention to anyone else. My eyes blurred with un-shed tears. Once James spotted my, he sped up in my direction but stopped once he caught sight of my tear stricken face. Stepping up to me, he placed a comforting hand on me shoulder.

"He doesn't remember. That's what Hackett was trying to say. Shepard doesn't remember a single thing."


	19. Chapter 18

**_Chapter 18_**

* * *

><p><em>Location: Earth  Sol System_

_Time Stamp: 1800 ERT Hour / April .08 . 2190_

* * *

><p>Datapads littered every square inch of the small bedroom I had rented out at HQ. Six hours of moving from the small cot to the floor, to the small chair on the other side of the room, shifting around all the files I had managed to get my hands on. So far, I'd learned that there had been more crew under me than I'd previously thought. One's that Miranda had conveniently forgotten to mention. Though the blame couldn't be placed solely on just Miranda, Admiral Hackett as well as Tali should have told me. I just couldn't see any reasoning behind their mutual deception.<p>

My eyes burned from all the data pads I'd scanned over and my temples ached with built up pressure. Deciding on leaving the remaining files for another day, I laid back on the cot to ponder on the information I'd gathered. Four hand-picked members of my crew had been completely erased from my history. No doubt some of that was my own mind's doing but the fact that people I called friends, comrades, would neglect to give me this information….. Again, I couldn't find a plausible reason for the missing crew to be erased. Add to that the fact that the Alliance had no record of them after the last battle... Simply listed as M.I.A. So, if they were dead, and I was starting to believe that that wasn't such a big IF, why wouldn't Miranda at least mention them?

I racked my brain for any memories, any details that could provide answers, yet none came. None of the dossiers had pictures, which was both unhelpful and suspicious, making me feel like I had just landed myself in the midst of a conspiracy. There were no possible reasons for a soldier's picture to be removed from their file, especially if said soldiers were already counted for dead.

'_What the fuck is going on?'_

Shuffling everything from the floor to a neat pile on the cot, I stood. Answers wouldn't arrive to me tonight and the noises coming out of my stomach reminded me of a more urgent need. Thankfully, HQ had a round-the-clock cafeteria and it wasn't that far from my room. Taking just my omni-tool with me, I proceeded to walk out the door. A hoard of questions annihilating every hope of getting a restful nights sleep.

The corridors were empty, which was expected at this time a night and which made sounds in the halls that much more amplified. That's why when I heard the echoing thuds of heavy steps coming in my direction, it brought my attention to a flurry of brown and blue heading my way. The movements so fast to my fried neurons, that when the collision came, I had no chance for escape.

The impact was enough to make the woman bounce off my chest and reflexes kicked in when my arms shot out to steady her before she fell flat on her ass. I looked down slightly, wondering at the familiarity of the incident and was met with large and slightly dazed brown eyes. Eyes that stared back at me, seemingly unfocused. Then she was wrapped around me and her smell assaulting my senses. A spark of.. of something within me.. it beat once before it flared out in me.

"Shepard…" The woman whispered and the walls I didn't know I had up, crumbled. On another one of those instincts my arms tentatively wrapped around her, returning the embrace. The woman in return leaned into me, nuzzling the juncture that connected my shoulder and throat. Emotions were running rampant within me, an unknown warmth was spreading through me like wildfire, consuming everything in its way. My hold on her tighten marginally and I struggled with the newly found feelings.

My reaction must have startled the woman because she leaned back only a fraction from my embrace, peering up to face me. Our gazes caught and held, her brown eyes wavering between relief, trepidation and tenderness. I inhaled her scent again, nostrils flaring, trying to stir any memory attached to the familiarity that came with the woman's scent. Yet, nothing again. I shook my head to clear my mind and released her. My lack of memory and the obvious notion that the woman knew who I was, made the situation a bit awkward for me and I knew that questioning the woman might lead to a revelation of sorts. I hoped.

"Can I help you?"

At my question, her eyes grew wide and her bottom lip became caught between her teeth. "Shepard… Skipper, it's me. Ashley. Don't play games with me, it's not funny. Aren't you happy to see me?" Her voice barely a whisper as she stepped back from my personal space. As she did, I caught my first real sight of her. Tousled dark hair in a messy cascade down her back, the ends brushing lightly against her rear end. Her frame slender, not overly healthy and I sensed the wear of war.

Other pairs of footsteps could be heard coming down the corridor before a voice called out. "Ashley!... Ashley!"

A gorilla-like man charged down to where I still stood with the woman. As he came closer, I could see the intricate ink work that boldly stood out around his neck and arms. I also noticed the un-trimmed beard that was strictly against regulations and wondered briefly where the two obvious soldiers, had been.

The man took a long look at me, a look I could have sworn seemed a lot like amazement. Then his gaze focused on the wom… on Ashley, who's face had become tear stained over our short exchange of words. This, puzzled me to no end and I didn't miss the sudden tightening of my heart at the sight of her. The _gorilla_ stepped up behind her to place his hand on her shoulder and spoke softly to her.

"He doesn't remember. That's what Hackett was trying to say. Shepard doesn't remember a single thing."

At the mention of Hackett, I turned my attention towards the bulky man. "You report to Admiral Hackett?"

The man frowned a bit but nodded.

"Come with me, the both of you. I have some questions for the Admiral and it seems you two do too." I turned, not contemplating the fact that the other two might not follow but something in me knew that they wouldn't question my authority and surely as I began making headway towards the Admiral's office, I could hear their footsteps keeping pace behind me. I contemplated the small exchange with this… Ashley and I couldn't seem to put my finger on what it was about her, actually about both of them that gave me that sense of familiarity, of knowing. My mind went to the research I had done on my former crew and the coincidence was so uncanny that it's likelihood was minimal at best.

Admiral Hackett should have answers… would have answers, I hoped.

With newly found determination I pushed passed the doors that lead to the Admiral's office, giving his receptionist no time to inform him of visitors. The Admiral stood just beyond the entrance facing the open view out his office's balcony.

"It took long enough…" The man turned and put his hand up to his forehead, rubbing the wrinkles there. "I'm getting too old for this." He said mostly to himself before continuing. "Take a seat Shepard, Ashley. As for you Lieutenant, please escort yourself out. You may go join rest of the Crew.. or at least the one's planetside." Hackett waited until both of us had taken seats about a yard apart and the Lieutenant had removed himself to follow his orders.

"Ashley, I assume you know the situation by now.." The admiral waited for her slight nod of response before turning to me. "I know you have questions my boy and honestly it's about time we told you. Your doctors say your cranial fractions and swelling are recovering better than we had hoped and your memories should return, though the when is really unknown. We were planning to tell you…" The man sighed and looked between the us two, giving me enough time to process where this conversation was going.

"Hackett, with all do respect." I said and heard the woman, Ashley, choke on what sounded like a sob but was it too soft to actually tell. "I know what you and Miranda, as well as Tali and the rest of you have been hiding. And for all my research I can't figure out why. Why hide them? Why go through all the trouble? I could have understood, it's not like I remembered any of you at first but we worked to reconnect. So, why?"

"Yes, please do explain. Did you really have no faith in our abilities to return home?" The woman slipped in, a fire in her voice that made me turn to face her. She was a beauty, hair all tousled about, cheeks pink from what I presumed was aggravation and I wondered what her stake was in all this.

My eyes went over her once again, noting every curve, freckle and chocolate colored strand of hair. A beat, then another, each faster than the last until my chest felt strangely warm and my hands ached to reach out. My senses recalled her smell, all smoky with a hint of gun polish. Something strangely arousing, nothing like the feelings Miranda stirred up in me. This one was all rough corners and fiery eyes, nothing steely or calculating about her.

The Admiral had begun speaking and I once again, removed my gaze from the woman and turned to pay attention.

"..you see that.. It was all done for the best. Miranda knew that you needed to be nudged slowly and that dropping all of it on you at once would be damaging instead of helpful. I agreed and we took the necessary procedures to organize it." He turned towards Ashley, "It wasn't at all about you guys, I had all the faith in the world the Normandy would return. I personally listed every one of you as MIA instead of KIA and removed all personal info from your files. Since your return was still unknown we did our best to take care of what families we could reach, including your sisters, Ashley. You know of the dangers families face when their high profile soldier of a child goes missing and Shepard would have been no use in his condition. The war might be over but we are rebuilding and in the mean time we need to keep the peace and protect who we can…. I'm sorry for to you both.. If you would like Ashley, you may take a minute to inform Shepard of anything before the rest of the crew arrives. I'll give you some privacy." At his quick retreat from the office, I frowned, knowing I still had a bone to pick with the Admiral but turned to Ashley. She sat there, a few feet away. Tension unbelievably thick in the small amount of space. I could tell she didn't know where to start and I volunteered the first step.

" For what it's worth, I'm sorry I can't remember you. I would have helped out your family if I would have known…" I said and she sighed, tears streaming down her face. Turning towards the Omni-tool on her wrist, she typed in a few commands proceeding in an answering bing from my own Omni-tool.

"Here, this will answer all your questions and more… I can't..I just can't talk to you right now."

With that she stood, wiped at her face and walked out.


	20. Chapter 19

**_Chapter 19_**

* * *

><p><em>Location: Earth  Sol System_

_Time Stamp: 2000 ERT Hour / April .09 . 2190_

* * *

><p><strong>Shepard<strong>

* * *

><p>Sixteen hours. Sixteen excruciating, undeniably annoying hours later and I was finally in the room I had rented out. After paying for an extended and undetermined amount of time to reserve the room and after flashing my Specter status more than once that day, I could finally relax and explore the vid files Ashley had sent me.<p>

After her departure from the Admiral's office, I had been struck dumb at her reaction and at the force of it's delivery. She hadn't been angry or hysterical but she had definitely emanated an air of immense loss and sadness. A few minutes after that event the office had become full to the brim with various crew members I had never met or rather couldn't remember. If anything, I wasn't very much interested in them at the moment. I appreciated them and their efforts, but that damn woman who had embraced me like I was the most valuable thing in her life, who had looked at me with such a tender, if not heartbroken gaze… Had undoubtedly crept inside me and had made herself comfortable in my head, making every thought I had revolve around her.

I had been beyond curious as to the contents of her message and as soon as I was able, I had taken off. But not before promising to have a longer conversation with the rest of the crew at a later date.

Turning back to my small room, I surveyed the small space and choose the only chair in the room to settle down in, it being the only spot clear of clutter. Initiating the projection screen on my omni-tool, I accessed my mail and noticed the pile up of new messages. Three from Miranda, which I decided I would postpone. It's wasn't that I didn't want to talk to her, because she had things to answer for, but rather I wanted to clear my mind and put the pieces of my missing life together without biased opinion and Miranda would be biased. She had demonstrated this when she decided to keep things from me.

Scrolling past Miranda's messages, I located the file I was looking for and opened it. To my surprise the sender's address was already registered as a known contact and all the previous messages exchanged were also stored within the message, like a long chain of attached letters. Looking over to the cot where I had piled up all the dossiers I had gathered earlier, I located the file on Ashley and looked it over.

**o0o**

**Personnel File**

**Name:** Ashley Madeline Williams

**Rank:** Gunnery Chief

**Military Vocational Code:** B4

**Current Posting:** M.I.A- Last known posting on board vessel Normandy SR-2, Commander Shepard **SPECTER**

**Date of Birth:** April 14, 2158

**Place of Birth:** Vercingetorix Outpost, Planet Sirona, 61 Ursae Majoris System

**Blood Type:** B-positive

**Genetic Enhancements:**

In-utero vision correction (maternal predisposition for nearsightedness)

Class-B Alliance Infantry Upgrade Package

Dossier

Following family tradition, Lieutenant-Commander Williams enlisted in the Alliance Marines directly out of high school and was assigned to the Recruit Training Depot in Macapá, Brazil.

During training, she certified proficient with the standard-issue M7 Lancer assault rifle and light and standard weight combat hardsuits. She completed certification in zero-gee combat aboard the Rakesh Sharma Orbital Platform in Earth geosynchronous orbit. For Hostile Environment Assault Training, she was assigned to Fort Charles Upham on Saturn's moon, Titan. She was awarded a commendation for her bold assault technique in a field exercise simulating an attack on turian point defense emplacements.

Drill Instructor Gunnery Chief Ellison noted her steadfast endurance and aggressive instincts, and promoted her to the role of squad leader. After observing her effective tutelage of the less skilled members of her training unit, he promoted her to platoon guide. She maintains a friendly correspondence with DI Ellison.

Chief Williams has served in a number of ground force garrisons on Alliance colony worlds and industrial outposts. She has repeatedly requested transfer to a shipboard posting, but each request has been denied without comment by her superiors.

Every year since enlistment, she has used her mandatory week of leave to visit her family on Amaterasu. In 2181, she made an exceptional request for a week-long leave of absence from her posting at the Czarnobóg Fleet Depot, citing family issues.

Personal Observations

Chief Williams' platoon has logged unanimous positive feedback on her leadership in the recent fitness review cycle. Private Nirali Bahtia praised her focus on team-building exercises and "tough but fair" discipline.

Williams is a reliable and dedicated non-commissioned officer, but her service in rear-area garrisons has prevented her from gaining actual combat experience. Her aggressive instincts and tendency to speak bluntly are suitable for a field unit, but might lead to complications if her duties require her to interact with civilians. Additionally, her political opinions may be problematic, given the focus on improving relations with the Citadel.

**LAST KNOWN LOCATIONS**

XXXXX(ERROR 235; CODE 9)  
>XXXXX (ERROR 235; CODE 9)<p>

XXXXX(ERROR 235; CODE 9)

**o0o**

I placed the dossier on the floor beside me and turned back to my omni-tool's screen. The dossier had been no help earlier and after meeting the lady in question, it continued to be no help. I turned my attention back to the files on my screen, hopefully these would have some answers

* * *

><p><strong>May 5th 2176<strong>

I'm enlisted! Just got the acceptance letter today. Man, was my dad proud. I don't think I've ever seen him glow like that! Mom's a bit more skeptic, but she'll live. I haven't found a way to tell the girls but i'm sure they'll understand, I hope. Abby and Lynn will take it in stride but Sarah worries me, you know. She's such a.. ball of energy. Reminds me of me, really. Anyway, have to jet it journal, this is gonna be a heck of a week.

* * *

><p><strong>August 20, 2176<strong>

I leave next week and these past few months have been a hell of a ride. My ship-out date was postponed due to clerical issues, or so I was told when I checked in to confirm my deployment dates. No doubt, my family curse is starting to stretch it's claws. But I'm not gonna let this stop me, I'm determined to make it some where in the Alliance. Then to make matters worse, I broke the news to my sisters and it didn't go well. That is an understatement. Lynn, conservative as ever, took it rather well. A few tears at first but she understood my reasons and although she didn't agree with some of them, she didn't question me. Abby was a bit more angry, lashing out in the only way she knew how. Screaming, lots of it. But I know she'll come around...eventually. Sarah… well let's just say were not on speaking terms. Why can't life ever be simple?

* * *

><p><strong>January 16, 2178<strong>

Damn, I almost thought I'd lost this journal. It's been almost two years since my last entry and as some would say, 'life sure got in the way'. Where to start... well I was finally shipped off that last time, though my record will officially state that I enlisted when I received my acceptance letter. They ended up sending me to a Recruit Training Depot in Macapá, Brazil for a few months. Training was a bitch, but I did get certified proficient with the standard-issue M7 Lancer assault rifle and light to standard-weight combat hardsuits. I'm currently training for my certification in zero-gravity combat aboard the Rakesh Sharma Orbital Platform in Earth's orbit. I've never been out here before, I mean… out here in space. Sure, my dad was a military man but we were always station planet side, never actually lived out here. This fake gravity shit is taking forever to get used to, that's for sure.

Well back to work, can't be caught slacking again. Don't need the squad thinking I'm out here daydreaming.

- **"Theirs not to reason why, theirs but to do and die."**

* * *

><p><strong>April 02, 2178<strong>

Went out with the guys from my new posting, Unit 212 on Eden Prime. It's only been a few days but my skills in weapon assembly under high-pressure situations has won me a spot among the boys. After a few drinks things were starting to get out of hand and I decided to scatter before it escalated, that's when I saw him. Not in person of course, but over a vid feed at the bar. Tall, dark haired and sharp black eyebrows. The type that gave him a permanently angry expression. At first the pained look he maintained during the interview caught my attention and then the reporter's words slipped in. Star of Terra recipient. I was utterly amazed with the man and if I am being completely honest with myself, I might have come up with a small case of hero worship. Damn the man. Complete hunk and not James' type of hunk either.. Ahh James, that's another story for another time.

* * *

><p><strong>September 28, 2178<strong>

My dad's gone up to meet the golden gates up there. I'm utterly heart broken. I'm taking time off to be with the family, they need me right now and honestly, I need them too.

* * *

><p><strong>January 9, 2183<strong>

It's been seven years, almost, since I've written in here and I'm in need of the outlet. I need to vent to someone one, anyone, anything. I'm not over my dad but I've come to terms with it. I have more things on my hands now and coming to terms with that loss has helped me go through a lot of shit. My mom and sisters are safe and adjusting to life without my dad but doing fine. I on the other hand, just experienced the most traumatizing events of my life. I finally made it up the ladder and lead my own squad, only to have it annihilated by some mechanical abominations. I've had to visit a shrink because of that and I'm not sure I'll ever get over it. Remember that Commander I mentioned? Well he rescued me. Swept in like a knight in shining black armor, guns blazing and shouting orders. He almost died for me at that beacon, something I never thought someone would do for me. Again, this man is a wonder. I'm on his ship right now. The Normandy SR-1, a beautiful ship by any standard but I haven't had any time to get a tour. I'm sitting in the med-bay watching Commander Shepard rest and i'm seriously worried, he hasn't woken and the doctor seems to get more frantic as time passes. I hope he wakes, I haven't even had time to introduce myself properly. Who would have thought, the man I idealized would be laying on a medical table because of me…. Life, you sure keep fucking me!

* * *

><p><strong>January 15, 2183<strong>

Got a message from Sarah today. I'm happy she's starting to contact me more often, it took her a while to 'forgive' me for leaving but i'm thankful that's over and we're back on good terms. In other news, I'm officially Gunnery Chief Williams, I think it has a nice ring to it. I'm also now serving aboard the Normandy permanently and I've adjusted better than I would have thought. My new Commander, is something else altogether. He keeps an 'Open door' policy that I have been a bit uncomfortable with, well at first anyway. Really, I've never had a Commander tell me to speak my mind freely… It took sometime for me to realize that he actually meant it. Shepard, as he prefers being addressed, is a real talker. Comes down to talk a few times a week and sometimes our talks can go on for hours. Who would have thought we had so much in common?

* * *

><p><strong>February 02, 2183<strong>

Been real busy with all the work here on the Normandy. We've been gathering new additions to the ground team, which for a time was just the skipper, Kaidan and I. So far, picked up an Asari Scientist, Liara. She's a bit weird but more about her later. There's also this Krogan, Wrex, who claims he's a warlord and honestly I believe him. Total bad ass. Then there's Garrus Vakarian, a Turian who Shepard suspected and correctly, would bother me as a choice in team mate. That night after returning from the Citadel, he came down to my station and we had a long talk. I told him about my Armistice Day, my grandfather and Shanix. He surprised me that night even more than he ever had. That night I realized my fan-girl crush was evolving into more. I'm honestly too old for this. Really, I can't be distracted with all this. Especially not now when things aren't looking so bright. These feelings are becoming inconvenient.

* * *

><p><strong>March 10, 2183<strong>

That's it! I really don't like that Asari. I mean, who does she think she is?! She's all over him and worst he either doesn't mind or is completely oblivious. It's driving me crazy. I knew this was going to be an issue. Kaidan says scuttle butt around the ship is that Shepard's sweet on someone already, and I'm afraid I already know who.

* * *

><p><strong>March 28, 2183<strong>

It's me! The other day things came to a boiling point and I don't mean just the mission. Liara, as I assumed, has a major crush on our Commander and came on to him. It seems it didn't go well because she began questioning me and before I knew what was happening, we were confronting him. That's when he told her. He feels for me and my face turned so red, I didn't know what to do with myself at that point. She politely excused herself and left us alone. His eyes had hovered over me and my chest felt like it would burst. He quirked a smile and my knees trembled, coughing up some dumb excuse, I ran like a coward. I've been hiding ever since. Every time he comes down to my station, I'm conveniently absent. I know I'm being childish, but what else can I do? There are regs for a reason and I've only been on this ship for three months.

* * *

><p><strong>April 6, 2183<strong>

Me and my mouth. I swear someone should slap me one day. Shepard finally cornered me after weeks of avoiding him and what do I do, you ask? I go off at the mouth like a nervous, twitchy teenager. Sadder still, everything I had said was the utter truth. I did kind of worship him for a time there… But he wasn't suppose to know that. And then he says, "Where do I stand with you?", that left me stuttering. I remember saying something about being focused on the mission and that whatever we had, should wait. God! I'm an idiot. To make matters worse he just smiles and replies with, "I'll just requisition some cold showers then." My embarrassment has reached new peaks.

- **Guard your roving thoughts with a jealous care, for speech is but the dialer of thoughts, and every fool can plainly read in your words what is the hour of your thoughts.**

* * *

><p><strong>April 14, 2183<strong>

It's my birthday! Lucky Twenty-five! Why am I so chipper, you ask? Well, it began this morning when a mysterious package appeared on my weapon's mod table. Haphazardly wrapped in what looked to be ten yards of bubble wrap, a note attached to the top. 'Happy twenty-fifth." I spent the rest of the day harassing and sometimes threatening some of the crew for any clues. I hadn't even tried to open the package until that afternoon when Tali suggested it. It was book, _William Ernest Henley: A Collection_. At first, I was a bit confused, like really who would go through the trouble of acquiring such an artifact? The thing was ancient but still in good condition. Then, I opened it to the first page and was startled to see a message scribbled on to the first blank sheet. 'Twelve hundred hours, Citadel Cafe. Come alone.' And I did, thankfully so, because Shepard had arranged a very private dinner at that cafe. I had been floored, my mouth left gaping as I had caught sight of him and his enormously proud smirk. Let's just say the date was definitely unexpected but something I will always remember.

* * *

><p><strong>April 20, 2183<strong>

Virmire. For as long as I live, I'll never forget that godforsaken rock and I'll never ever forget Kaidan. If I could go back, go back and change the circumstances, I would. It shouldn't have been him, he was the superior officer. He should have been saved. Now, I have this guilt in my chest that won't let me breath. Questions swirling in and out of my head, giving me no peace or break. Why hadn't it been me?

I need to confront Shepard. He needs to understand that he made the wrong choice. He needs to explain to me why I'm still here, still alive. Some might call it survivor's guilt, I call it indiscreet attachments leaving bodies in it's wake.

* * *

><p><strong>May 1, 2183<strong>

I can't say that I hate Aliens, but at this moment I really, really hate the Council's guts. How could they see the threat right under their noses and turn the other way? On top of that, they have the audacity to ground the only team they have that's even remotely capable of handling the situation. They're a bunch of morons if you ask me. That's why, i'm not the least bit sorry about what we're about to do. Not even a little bit. By the way, when this is all set and done, remind me to strangle Joker.

* * *

><p><strong>May 03, 2183<strong>

We're heading out into the MU Relay to probable suicide, never mind the fact that we are currently fugitives from both the Alliance and Council. My nerves are shot, to say the least, and after a tumultuous few hours of waiting I had made up my mind on not spending my _probable_ last night alone. I sought Shepard out in his quarters, at first I just needed the pep talk. But then, probably due to the high stress of the situation, we ended up in bed together.

It was an intense and illuminating situation. Shepard's a passionate and knowledgeable lover. Within a few hours he'd had me completely relaxed and my body no longer felt tense. Our bodies laid on his bed for hours just talking about nothing in particular but enjoying each other's company. We made love several more times before I was finally exhausted enough to catch some rest. When I awoke, I was still in bed completely undressed and the covers had mysteriously disappeared from the bed. Then I saw him standing there, just looking at me, small smile gracing his face. Completely aware of the fact that I was still naked, I had tried to cover up, just to have him laugh in the most delightful way. After a quick arrangement of my BDU's and a quick kiss goodbye, I left to my own quarters. And here I am, writing away in a journal that I forget I have, gushing like a love struck puppy. I'm so pathetic and so miserably in love.

* * *

><p><strong>May 17, 2183<strong>

We made it, which is probably obvious since I'm taking time to write in this thing. Thankfully, right now all the crew is alive and kicking, though the ground team , including me, did suffer some injuries and we're currently recovering. I've only sustained a fractured femur and some contusions but nothing serious, though the doctors want me to stay here at the hospital for a few more day. Garrus looked to have something of a black eye, which he later informed me that Turians didn't get black eyes. That and his sour look as he had informed me, had caused me to almost break out in tears from all the laughter. And finally Shepard. The man amazes me every day a little more. With only a dislocated shoulder and a few bruises, he had come out of that debris field seemingly untouched by the chaos. He refused medical attention and claimed that his team should be looked after first. Right now he's out in the corridor shouting over some doctor. I can't really hear what their saying but I know from the look on the doctor's face that it ain't good. Again, have I told you yet how much I love him? Sure it's only been a few months but after everything we've gone through, how can I not love him? Every time I think of it, I smile. I love Shepard.

* * *

><p><strong>June 1, 2183<strong>

Today's the first day of official shore leave. The team has been on a non-stop schedule of ceremonies, interviews and interrogations. But now, that it was over and the whole crew was getting a whole month of shore leave while the Normandy got repairs done. Joker, as always, proclaimed that he could not rest until his baby was taken good care of. (Insert eye-roll) Tali has gone back to the Flotilla to finalize her pilgrimage but promised to keep in contact. Vakarian and Wrex decided to prowl the Citadel and planned on moving out to Omega from there. And Liara, nerdy as ever, has already returned to her research, leaving only Shepard and I to decided what to do. I'm not sure if he has any plans but I just don't know where we stand now that the battle is officially over.

* * *

><p><strong>July 11, 2183<strong>

Just got all my stuff organized into my new locker and I'm impressed at the upgrades given to the ship while we had our shore leave. Shore leave… The thought makes me blush like a school girl about to get her first kiss. Shepard and I… well I think we're a thing now. I mean there's still rules about this kind of stuff but we believe we can be professional about this and act like adults. Though, I will admit that I might have some trouble restraining the need to jump him every time he gives me one of **_those_** looks. Damn that infuriating man.

* * *

><p><strong>January 3, 2185<strong>

I've been so depressed, I no longer feel like myself. The sun no longer shines and the stars no longer sparkle for me. My therapist says that I need an outlet and the Alliance won't take me back until she clears me. She doesn't understand, no one does. It hurts to think, to breath.

* * *

><p><strong>January 20, 2185<strong>

It's been two years, one month, eleven days and sixteen hours. Kind of sad when you think about it. He's dead and I'm still here, living and shit. Barely. Shepard would have been so disappointed in me if he knew but he won't and I just don't see why I should care anymore. The worst part about the whole situation was that he was a hero. Shepard was a goddamn hero! Now that he's no longer around to fight, the media and even the Alliance slanders his name. First time I caught sight of one of those vid broadcasts of Khalisa al-Jilani, I was making my way out of my therapist's office. I just stood there flabbergasted as she insulted his good name and buried his good deeds under miles of propaganda. My fist still throbs at the memory of how I smashed it against the wall panel unlucky enough to be projecting the feed.

* * *

><p><strong>February 06, 2185<strong>

After much thought and sleepless nights, I've decided that the best way to honor Shepard would be to not allow his fight and death to be meaningless. I've put my shit back together these last few weeks and have applied to Anderson for an assignment. I know he's a bit wary about returning me back to active duty but I gave him my reasons and just hope he understands.

* * *

><p><strong>February 19, 2185<strong>

My sisters came by this week to spend some time with me, they've definitely elevated my mood. Well, at least enough to give this journal another go about. I can't believe Abby's engaged and Lynn's been accepted to medical school. Sarah, the youngest, is already married but decided to stay close to mom. I'm happy for them, they deserve to be happy.

* * *

><p><strong>February 20, 2185<strong>

I have a date with that guy James, I've mentioned before. Used to be part of one of my old squads. Anyway, today's Lynn's last night here and she arranged this double date. Says I need to get out more. I really, really don't want to go but I'll do just about anything to see my sister smiling.

* * *

><p><strong>March 1, 2185<strong>

Anderson came through for me. I'm to ship out tomorrow for the colony of Horizon. Sure it's nothing big but I think he's testing me and I'm ready. Won't have much time for a journal but I'll try.

* * *

><p><strong>April 26, 2185<strong>

That bastard! I can't believe he would do that to me, to what we had. Traitor. All this time, tears wasted. I don't want excuses, I just really want to shoot something. Never mind the loss of all those civilians. This day can't get any worse.

* * *

><p><strong>April 27, 2185<strong>

I went out with James again last night. I know I said I wouldn't and that the last time was all for my sister but damn it, I needed to vent. We hit the bar and shot back drinks like we had nothing better to do. This morning I woke up to a killer hangover and a naked James. I know I shouldn't have but I felt dirty. Not because of James, because honestly he's a great guy and all but because of HIM. While he's out there perusing the galaxy with who-knows-who, I'm here feeling guilty for moving on with my life. I'm sorry regs, I should have listened. Love, you suck.

* * *

><p><strong>July 2, 2185<strong>

I've been debating whether to contact Shepard or not. My conscious won't let me sleep, as the harsh words i'd said to him play in my head on an infinite loop. I might have been right to be angry but I also might have been wrong about him. I knew that if I wanted some peace, if I want to move on, then I have to put all of this behind me. But how?

* * *

><p><strong>July 30, 2185<strong>

I received a message this morning, Shepard's been taken under custody by the Alliance. Something about an exploding relay. I have to go, I don't know how and I don't care why but I have to be by his side. Since Horizon, I had definitely put the medal to the pedal and rose up in ranks. Now officially Lieutenant-Commander Williams, I had more pull to my name and I'm taking the first shuttle off this rock and go save my hero-man.


	21. Chapter 20

**_Chapter 20_**

* * *

><p><em>Location: Earth  Sol System_

_Time Stamp: 0700 ERT Hour / May .27 . 2190_

* * *

><p><strong><em>Shepard<em>**

* * *

><p><em>I felt breathless yet warm, in a haze of sorts. Soft purrs sounded in my ear and forced me to move my head to the side, muscles deliciously tender. My nose caught a sniff of something sweet and my gaze was met with tousled dark hair, I couldn't really tell what color in the dim lighting. The mass of hair covered most facial features of the woman beside me and thoughts of contemplating her face dissipated the moment soft lips crashed with mine. Automatically, my arms wrapped around the small but firm figure, bringing her to rest completely underneath me. The woman whimpered and moaned, her nails leaving long strings of welts up my arms, which made me groan then growl softly. <em>

"_Please…" Her husky voice whispered with a bit of desperation. "Only… only few…. hours left…of..left… I need you…"_

_The heat and haze of the moment felt like it weighed me down. I wanted so badly to look into her eyes, to see. But I couldn't open my lust-heavy lids. The world spun around me, slowly at first but as our heated lips merged over and over again, the world began to tremble. Then I was floating into nothing, not really falling but more like a lazy decent into an inky limbo. _

**_o0o_**

I was up and hyperventilating on my bed, sweat patches on my beater, palms coming up to rest on my sleek forehead, scrubbing off any leftover sleep. It was the third week straight that I'd woken up with the same dream. But this one had been even more intense. Sometimes the dream had variations but it always featured one insatiable brunette and heavy petting or outright erotic encounters. I couldn't figure out if the dreams were actually memories or a sign that I really needed to get laid, either way they needed to end... otherwise I would never be rested enough to return to active duty.

Catching sight of my digital clock on the bedside table, I huffed, realizing there would be no point in trying to sleep anymore. I was up and pulling on sweat pants in an instant and quickly decided that I needed my morning run. Out in the hallway of the small house that I shared with Miranda, I was careful to bypass her room as quietly as possible, not wanting to wake her. Down the stairs and into the living room, I fetched my omni-tool from the coffee table where I had been working on it the previous day.

Once safely out the door I picked up my pace, going from a mild jog to an all out run in a matter of seconds. I let my feet take me as I let my mind run loose as well.

After reading all the journal entries and re-reading, I had come up more confused than I had started. So, I did the most logical thing, I went straight to Miranda. That had been the biggest argument we'd had since.. well, forever. At least that I could remember, which was something to be taken with a grain of salt considering the circumstances around my memories.

Miranda, of course, tried to explain in that technical manner she uses when talking to an idiot. That had only angered me more. We had argued, shouted and yelled for nearly four hours until neither of us had gotten anywhere. I could understand some of her points, she had thought it best to refrain certain details to avoid further damage to my psyche. I could even understand her need to protect me…but I couldn't find it in me to forgive her, at least not yet.

**Beep. Beep.**

Looking down at my buzzing Omni-tool, I clicked in my pass code and was brought up to my inbox. Filtering through the long list of unopened messages, I found the most recent.

**o0o**

_Shepard,_

_Know you've been through some shit, hell knows we've all been there. Figuratively speaking, of course. I know you, Shepard. Tough, Righteous, Commanding. (Ha! Look at me, paying you compliments.) Nah, but really. All joking aside, you were our leader, our friend. I would like it to be like that again. You had spirit and you gave us all courage when we were looking down another path to suicide. I know I sound sappy, but WHAT-THE-FUCK Shepard! Your a fucking bastard! You know that, yeah you been through some shit, probably died again during our absence... but sheesh! You act as if none of us have gone through some horrible things lately. Hello! Get off your high horse, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get back in the game! There's shit still to be done, crime and corruption to stop. _

_Your sometimes-friendly-sometimes-snarky Flight Lieutenant._

**_o0o_**

A half smirk, half smile spread over my face. That flight lieutenant sure had a mouth on him. No respect for authority. That last part made me smile even more. I realized that at some point I must have really liked this guy to have kept him around for as long as I did. Another reason to be angry at Miranda.

Pulling up my messages, I typed a quick reply.

**_o0o_**

_Joker,_

_Your an ass. I like it. Meet me at the Alliance barracks to the south of the main base. 1200 hours, sharp. Don't be late, smartass._

_Shepard_

**_o0o_**

Shutting off my omni-tool, I made my way back home for a quick shower and change of clothes.

* * *

><p>Down at the barracks, soldiers were going about their day. Many still working on reconstruction efforts, while others still worked on the humanitarian side of the efforts. Joker had sent me a reply a few minutes after, agreeing on meeting place and time. Now, it was almost the time we had agreed on and I was just making it into the old requisitions office, which now stood empty apart from a few seats. Taking a seat, I opened up my messages and was about to write to joker when the door to the room opened again. In walked a well-dressed Asari, accompanied by a female geth? I wasn't really sure but then Joker came in after the two and closed the door behind him.<p>

"Shepard, it is good to see you." The asari said, giving me a shy smile. While Joker only took a seat beside me and gave me an evil eye.

"What?" I said, eyeing him back.

"Jeff, is unsatisfied with the progress you have made thus far, Commander." The android said.

"EDI, we've talked about this… You don't have to give everything away.." Joker grumbled at the now named, EDI.

"I apologize, Jeff. I will try to accommodate your strange requests in future matters."

"Anyway, Shepard. I've been thinking…"

"Should I be worried?" I interrupted, looking over at Liara. She in return smiled again and Joker huffed.

"Like I said, I've been thinking about this whole memory problem of yours. And.."

"Why would you think the loss of a few memories would be a problem?" I interrupted again and was rewarded by the shocked expression on Joker's face.

"Are you kidding me? You mean to tell me that you want to stay like this?" Joker said, his voice high-pitched as if he'd been offended.

"No…" I replied slowly. "It's not an actual problem, more of an inconvenience. It's not like I don't remember how to assemble an assault rifle in less than ten seconds flat. It doesn't impair my fighting abilities."

"And who the fuck do you think taught you how to assemble any gun found in fifteen different nebulas? Huh?! You know, Ashley, that soldier that fought tooth and nail for you. That survived months of horrible conditions in the hopes of finding you alive!" Joker practically yelled, taking a moment to inhale a breath.

"I might not have been a fan of hers on occasions but, damn Shepard! The woman loves you beyond reason and you prefer not to even remember you ever met her! For the Cerberus Cheerleader no less!"

"Joker.." Liara broke in, trying to calm him. "This is not what we wanted to talk to Shepard about."

"Ms. T'Soni, is correct Jeff." EDI also interjected.

And in all of this I sat, stupefied. Literally, dumbfounded at the lieutenant's outburst.

"Okay, ok…. Listen, I thought you might actually want your memories back. I'm sorry if I was wrong on that aspect. Just wanted to let you know that if you do, in fact, want your stupid memories back then Liara might have a solution for you…. And now, I think I need a breather. You really are a stubborn mother fucker." Joker then stood, walking slowly towards the door but slamming it loudly behind him.

"Well, that went well." I muttered to the remaining occupants of the room.

"He didn't mean all that Shepard, I think you might have hurt his feelings. He was sure that you would be happy at the possibility to return back to your old self." Liara replied.

"I will go check on Jeff, he is unpredictable in this state." The mechanical female turned and exited the same way the Lieutenant had, closing the door behind her.

"So, what did he discover?" I asked once he was alone with Liara, somewhat curious.

"The Asari can join their consciousness to any being. When we do this, traces of the beings memories are left behind. I have melded with your mind on a few occasion, I can return some of those memories to you. If you wish." She informed me, her voice laced with tones of nervousness.

I was a bit intrigued at the opportunity to retrieve some of my memories. I sure wanted to, but what would it take? Would it change me on some level?

"Though I can only return memories you had accumulated up until the point of the melding. Nothing further." Liara clarified.

Calmly, as if I was digesting all of the new information, which I was, I asked,"When was that?"

" Before the final strike on the Reapers."

"Okay… How do we do this?" She looked up then, a bit surprised it seemed, at my willingness to try. "I never said I didn't want my memories back. I'm just not sure if what I'll get back is something worth getting."

Liara smiled sadly at that and put a hand on my shoulder. "They will not all be good memories, but remember, we learn from our mistakes, we improve from their consequences. How can you become a better person, in your perspective, if you don't remember the mistakes, your errors or good deeds? How will you know if you're going down a path you've already taken?"

"Very wise for someone so young?" I quirked an eyebrow at her.

Liara chuckled, her eye glittering. "I'm roughly one-hundred and six in human years. Ancient, for your species standards."

I joined her laughter and I felt the instant relief of a tension, I didn't know even covered the room. Then I turned serious eyes on her. "When can we do this?" I asked expectantly.

"Now, if you wish. It will only take a second." Her eyes then turned this greyish-black, hand reaching out to touch my forehead. Cold fingers touched me skin, a shock wave went through me, stealing me in place. Pictures flashed across my mind, to fast to be detailed, to many to be filtered normally. I was becoming dizzier and fainter, my head overloaded by old thoughts, feelings. It was too much. Too much. I couldn't take it all….. Then it all went black.

* * *

><p><em>Geth bodies littered the ground and off in the distances shots could be heard. Running renewed, Kaidan by my side and then a voice. "Are you the one in charge here, sir?" Her face was partially covered by the reflection of her helmet visor…. But her lips… They triggered something inside me. Then the image was swallowed by darkness.<em>

"_I think he's waking up." The voice from before whispered into the dark. "It's nice when someone makes you feel welcomed… I'll make sure it never happens again…. I thought you'd be chatting up, what's-her-name? Liara?... You wanna get involved with some alien, go ahead. That's none of my business." The voice made no sense, but with each statement a new feeling took hold. A warm, gut- clenching heart flutter that moved from within. _

_I found myself staring at a deliciously armored backside the next second. But why was she walking away? I wanted to reach out, I even tried but my body wouldn't budge. A tug to my left and I was moving in the opposite direction. The oddest sensation, that. My heart ached in two directions._

_It shifted then again and I found myself on a tropical world, running. Running like the hounds of hell were on my heels. Feeling a need that I could not describe, clogging my insides and spurring me on. I needed to get to her…. But who? A boom and I was filled with a guilt so intense, I could almost feel it's pressure weighing me down. "It should have been me." The voice began again, achingly soft in it's reproach. "Because of us…. That's not fair." _

_More voices joined in and began a quiet but determined argument in the background. Their arguments unintelligible to me. Then the feminine voice from before broke through again._

"_I want you to be happy." Followed by a bizarre need. Throttling Joker._

_A flash and legs are tangled in military-issued white sheets, hands groping and nails digging into flesh. It was a passion-filled blur, dazing my senses and focus. And then a guttural sound of release reached my ears and our movements sped up to new levels until everything was dark for a few seconds again._

_Soft measured steps and a warm deceiving smile. The rays of the artificial sun blocking the eyes from view but her lips. Those I remembered. The softness they could impart was wondrous. Of this, I most definitely knew. But then the voice returned with a vengeance. " We had something real… I loved you… Why?.. Why?... "_

"_There are rumors…" The voice finished, hurt._

_Chaos exploded all around and a blue armored hand extend itself and brought me in. To the warmth. To her. Then anger and the voice made their presence known again._

"_How am I supposed to believe…. That could have been you…. I doubt there's anything you could do to convince me…." _

_Again chaos exploded and running in a desperation, the likes of which I have never felt. No. NO. NO. A body clutching to life, head snapped against the steel. The pain is overwhelming. The desperation is blinding. I can't lose the warmth. It can't happen. Body safely embraced in my arms another second later, my feet finding purchase on the steel floors to propel me faster._

_The scenery changed again and the sterile smell of hospital filled my nostrils. The voice returned, weak this time._

"_Where do we stand?...I'm a real person… Hurt.. Angry… I'm going to regret this." The words angry, jealous but then they softened to a hopeful whisper. "I don't know what to say…. I was going crazy…"_

_Then intense and raging jealousy overpowered everything else. Another man around her. The need to scream became unbearable but my lips where no where to be found. I couldn't scream out my rage. Pain smoldered within, another deep, jagged wound to hide. But a need to fight returns. That's mine, ours._

"_Talk to me…. I was lost without you…. It broke my heart… Kiss me." Again the voice spoke, the same voice that kept penetrating through it all. It's cryptic half-said words somehow guiding me through all this turmoil._

_Again the tangle of limbs flashed into view. Different this time. More passion, love, understanding. And then it clicked. It was there all along. I was lost without you too. _

_Then it whirled out of proportion, intense and fast moving until all that could be seen was the twirl and swish of colors and sounds. A cascade of emotions that bombarded somewhere deep within. _

_There within… That place that opens like Pandora's box at the thought of her. At her words and whispers. She fills my subconscious, my very being. Even in this darkness, the memory of her keeps a warm cocoon over my heart. Death would be easy, but not living or loving would be a tragedy. I was never one to go for easy and the return of the voice confirmed what my subconscious, my mind, heart and soul, already knew._

"_Oh, Captain. My Captain."_

My head hurt. Not in the throbbing kind of way, but more in the about to explode way. Tentatively, I opened my eyes, thankful for the dark room I found myself in. I couldn't remember how I came to be in said small room, and at the moment, it couldn't matter any less. My neurons felt as if they'd been recently fried to a crisp, undoing whatever repair had been done to me after the crash of the Citadel.

"Fuck!"

Even my voice sounded rougher than usual. My lips dry and mouth parched. I made as to get up, but the light-headed feeling rushing through me, made me second guess my decision.

Beep. Beep.

My Omni-Tool flared up beside me and the screen revealed a brief message from Miranda.

_**Where are you?**_

I jackknifed off the floor, sweat beaded between my brows and my breath edged on hyperventilating. My eyes focused on Liara's, noticing her presence for the first time, and her hand landed on my shoulder for support. Shrugging her hand off, I buried my head between my thighs, fighting off a sudden wave of nausea.

"Shepard?.. Are you alright?" Liara asked softly, her discarded hand returning to rub my back in a soothing motion. "I'm sorry if that was an overwhelming experience for you, I've never tried returning someone's memories before…."

"Don't blame yourself, Liara," I interrupted. "You were only trying to help….Though," I peaked up at her then, a small smile on my lips. " I think my brain's having a hard time processing everything."

"It should be expected. You haven't fully recovered from your more…._severe _injuries." She stood up then, stretching out her arm to help me up. "It will take time, maybe a few days… maybe more. Do you feel any difference?"

I took her offer up and lifted myself off the floor. "What was I doing on the floor?"

"You fainted, Shepard." She smiled then, a full bright smile. "I won't tell anyone, promise."

One eyebrow shot up, almost reaching my hairline, I was sure. I contemplated her. "Are you _making fun _of me?"

Liara looked towards me, her fingers fidgeting with the sleeve of her jacket in a nervous gesture. "I'm sorry, Commander. I didn't mean to…"

I laughed then, a full fledge burst of throaty chuckles. "Relax, I'm only joking, as you were." I clasped an arm over her shoulders, pulling her to me. "I'm glad at least some things have changed." A familiarity like never before embraced me and my heart gave a thump. Turning my head to look at Liara, I got my first wave of images. Memories of our meeting, of her awkwardness and shyness. Her intelligence and her small and passing infatuation with me. My little sister, even if she was _way_ older than me.

"Now, you're cracking jokes! About me no less!" She joined in on my laughter then and hugged my side a bit more.

"I'm glad your back, Shepard. We've missed you."

_**o0o**_

After leaving Liara at the Alliance Barracks, I made it home. Dragging my feet all the way there, knowing what expected me. I wasn't worried about any confrontation with Miranda, not at all. It's was more like a worry of what would come out of the encounter. I didn't want to lose Miranda, per say, but maybe make a change of what her role in my life should be. If she wanted any role in my life, that is.

Reaching the front door, I stalled when my hand reached the door knob. Inside I could hear the sound of movement and knew that this moment couldn't be pushed off any longer. I turned the knob and pushed his way inside, halting when he saw the suitcases by the door.

"Miranda?" He called, a bit stunned. "Miranda?"

Foot steps on the stairs and he moved in their direction, meeting Miranda halfway.

"Where are you going?" He asked, not really sure he wanted to hear the answer.

"I think it's best if we have an overdue conversation and then.. well, then it would be best if I move out." She moved past him, over to the couch and sat, patting the seat beside her. "Sit."

He obliged and moved towards her, taking the seat she offered.

"I've been selfish…" She lifted her hand to stop the response already on the tip of my tongue. "No, let me finish."

Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, she continued. " It wasn't my plan to hide them from you. It was just that… that you were so weak and fragile when we found you. So out of it, that I felt the need to prevent you from any more pain. So, I stood quiet when they did not return. Talked to Hackett about it and he agreed, at first. But then… You seemed to recover and still we had no news. You had no memories. So, again I decided for you. You needed a fresh start. You deserved it after everything you've been through. And… And I love you, Shepard. I thought that if… maybe if we moved in together, if we rekindled what we had in the past...Then we could make it work.. Together.." She stopped then, one tear streaming down her face as anger built within her. I was too stunned to move, to say anything, so I remained quiet and let her continued.

"But still, after all these years… All we've been through. You can't forget her! Even when you can't even remember her!" Miranda's, to that point leveled voice, raised in agitation. " I try, I fucking try and you won't touch me, you won't kiss me… You loved me once… At least, I thought you did.. But even now, when we live together, we sleep a few feet away from one another, you don't…. It's not what I thought it would be, what it could be…." Miranda stood then, only to pace a few feet away. Scrubbing at her tears in furious strokes of her hands.

I stood and took the few steps to her, wrapping my arms around her waist and shoving her against me. My lips found hers, soft and tender. She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me closer. Our lips weaving together, tongues dancing in a comfortable harmony. But that was all, comfort. No passion. Tenderness maybe. And with that kiss we couldn't deny any other reason for this. . We couldn't build a relationship out of comfort, we needed passion, love. As the realization hit us, we parted and she turned toward her bags by the door.

"I have to go, Shepard. I'll be staying at a flat by the Alliance Headquarters, if you need me. I.. think.. I think, I need some time. Time to sort through all of this mess." She picked up her bags as the sound of honking came from outside. "I am sorry, Shepard. For everything." With that she left. Left me completely dazed and a bit disorientated.

"What the fuck just happened?"


	22. Chapter 21

**_Chapter 21_**

* * *

><p><em>Location: Earth  Sol System_

_Time Stamp: 0700 ERT Hour / June .16 . 2190_

* * *

><p><strong><em>Shepard<em>**

* * *

><p>Sweat was pouring down my face and the stench rising up from my body told me that I needed a bath. But, I still had a few more laps around the course to go so I continued on. I couldn't quit now, when I could finally say that I was back to top shape. My memories were returning as well. Slowly, but surely. Not as fast as I would've hoped or as complete, but what I had gained back was enough to rekindle friendships long gone, friendships which might have been completely forgotten.<p>

Garrus was a daily vid-call. Always complaining about something or other. We've even set up a date to see who was the best shot, again, on the Citadel, which was now back under construction.

Joker was another one that was now in constant contact, especially now that we decided to room together. Since Miranda's old room remained unoccupied after she'd left me, I had decided to ask Joker to move-in, which he had agreed to a bit too fast, and now I wondering if I had made the right decision. Pain-in-the-ass and all, that Joker was.

Miranda was another story completely. I hadn't heard of her since the day she'd moved out, but I had heard that she'd moved in with her sister and that she was doing well. As for the others, spread- out as they were, he had heard little or nothing at all. Kasumi and Tali dropped by often enough for him not to worry, as well as Jacob, but I knew that the rest of my old crew had traveled back home to their loved ones. And I sincerely wished them the best where ever they ended up.

Finished with my work out for now, I peeled off my sweaty shirt and made my way back into the house, through the back door.

Of Ashley, I knew barely a thing. Only scraps of information were fed to me by Joker when he was feeling generous. I knew she was well, wherever she was. Last I'd heard, she was staying low and re-bonding with her sisters and mother. He'd avoided contacting her. For whatever reason, I felt the need to give her time to re-organize herself. I also needed time. Time to sort out who I was, where I wanted to be. But most of all, if I wanted Ashley. If I wanted something real. I couldn't give her a broken man. I wouldn't. I would giver her what she needed. A partner. An equal. And sadly, I wasn't there as of yet. I was working on that. Furiously. And soon, not sure when, but soon, I would be there for her and I would be everything she deserved.

After all this time, I felt as if I owed her at least that much. She's gone through hell for me, figuratively and literally speaking. Saren. Mutiny over the organization she held dear for me; for our cause. Then my death and following resurrection. Seeing me with another woman… Fuck! the list could go on and on for days. Months even. I didn't even know if she loved me any more. As close as me and Joker had gotten, I knew without a doubt, that he too loved Ashley. Not the way I did. For sure. I'd kick his ass to Tuchanka if that would have been the case, but more like a sister and I knew I couldn't ask for his help in recovering her. He would never agree. Even if I ordered it.

In the bathroom, I removed my clothing and jumped in the shower. My thoughts, as always, a big huge mess and for once, I was glad to have most of the knots unwound. The last few weeks have been eye-opening to say the least. I've finally figured out the brunette from my dreams, unluckily for me, I had had happened during the worst moment.

I had been at the base, having my last psych evaluation before being reinstated and was mostly done, when the doctor had curiously asked me about the details of the time the Normandy crew had mutinied on the Alliance. I had begun to tell the story, at least what I had remembered of the event, and then my mind had taken off on a tangent. Interestingly enough, the images had been extraordinarily vivid, and after a few minutes my hard on was hard to deny and I had begun to stroke myself, subconsciously, over my pants. The doctor had excused herself then, and once I realized what I had been doing I shot out of there. Fast. Not needing to be there when she returned.

No need to say now, that after that event, my visits with the shrink had been increased and the dainty redhead who had been treating me, had mysteriously been absent on all of my following appointments after that.

Now, I couldn't get her out of my head. She was every where. Almost all of my suddenly triggered flashbacks would feature Ashley in one way or another. Us on the Mako, making our way down a snow covered mountain side, Ashley instigating me on as Garrus shrilled in fright from the other seat. Ashley, me and Kaidan on the Citadel, looking out at the flow of traffic. Her flirting making him blush on more than one occasion and Kaidan calling us out on our odd behaviour.

Fuck, I missed her. Her sarcasm, throaty chuckles and feisty personality. Everything about her.

I don't know when I realized, I loved her. Maybe after seeing her again. Maybe after reading her journal. Or maybe after dreaming about her for what seemed like forever now. But I knew. Without a doubt, that I loved her. Everything about her. Miranda might have been an infatuation. An illusion of what I had been missing. But it was for sure not the same as what I felt for Ashley. Not even close.

I still didn't know how exactly, _how_ I would get her back. But I would. If it was the last thing I ever did.

* * *

><p><em>Location: Earth  Sol System_

_Time Stamp: 0700 ERT Hour / June .17 . 2190_

* * *

><p>It was nearly noon when I got a lengthy message from none other than Vega, who I hadn't really talked to since that day at the Alliance base. And I was surprised to see that he wanted to meet with me. He had chosen a bar down the road from the Base and I was more than happy to meet up. Vega had never been my favorite. But we had history now, and there was no reason why not to try and get along. Unless, he still wants my Ashley. Then we would have problems. Again.<p>

Upon entering the bar, I found him ensconced in one corners under one of the hanging lanterns, speaking with one of the bartenders. The bartender, reached under the counter and produced two beers, which he placed on the counter in front of Vega. I took that as a cue and walked over to him, taking the bar stool next to him.

"Vega."

"Commander."

We both said simultaneously. He chuckled and passed me one of the beers.

"Drink?"

I grabbed it from him and took a nice long swig, enjoying the feel of the cool liquid down my throat.

"So, what brings you into my neck of the woods?" I began, smirking as I put the bottle back down on the counter and turned to him. He chuckled again but didn't reply, instead taking a drink from his own beer. I waited for him to finish and noticed the twitch in the vein of his neck.

"Just spit it out man." I said gruffly and half exasperated. I knew he hadn't just requested me here to just to catch up and drink some beers.

"I know we haven't been the best of friends. And technically, we weren't suppose to seeing that I was under you _care_ while in Vancouver and then I became your Commanding officer, in a sense, during the invasion of Earth and therefore aftermath.." I began again, taking another sip of my beer. "But I know it was more than that. Wasn't it?" I questioned. Not really questioning our friendship but really asking for his acknowledgement of our issues.

He in turn, looked confused. And then embarrassed, if the reddening of his neck was any indication.

"Actually, I wanted to talk about Ashley and….." He began but I cut him off mid sentence.

"I'm not talking about Ashley with you. Our _relationship, _is _really _none of your concern, lieutenant." I almost growled at him. Not liking in the least, anything he had to say about Ash.

Vega looked contrite for a second then looked at me again. "It's not like that…"

"I don't give a damn!" I shouted, interrupting him mid-sentence again.

"If you would just _let-me-fucking-finish, _then I could explain this to you. And then _maybe_, I could tell you where to find her." He finished with a satisfied smirk on his face, obviously happy that he had accomplished to shut me the hell up.

"How do you know I don't already know where she is?" I asked after a few minutes.

He eyed me skeptically, then smiled. "Because there only three people that know where she is." He brought his hand up, jutting out three fingers. "Joker." He pointed at one of his three finger with his other hand. "Who won't say anything due to threats of severe bodily injury if he so even as mentions her name. And because they've gotten really close and he wouldn't betray her like that." He then pointed at his other finger. "Admiral Hackett, which I know you wouldn't ask just on principles alone. And then there's me." He finished pointing at the third and final finger. "So, what's it going to be, _Jefe_." His old nickname for me, made me feel better about this whole situation. Maybe he was trying to have a truce of some sort. Only one way to find out.

"Fine." I grunted out. "Say what you gotta say."

"Finally!" The other man grinned. "You're stubborn as hell."

We both took another sip of our forgotten beers then.

"Listen, about Ash…." I glared but he continued. "What we had… was.. it wasn't what she wanted.. For a time there, I thought that we really had something. But then you raised from your grave and _BAM.. _That's not my Ashley anymore." He stopped there, looking down at his bottle. "I don't know how it happened, but it just kinda dissolved between us. At first, everything was fine between us, some rumors here and there about you. But I didn't see the connection. I obviously knew who you where back then, but I didn't know you two had served on the Normandy together. I knew Ashley from before her time on the Normandy. We served together for a time, there might have been some slight flirting but that's all." He took another swig, finishing his beer and waiving to the bartender for another. He grabbed the beer the bartender offered as soon as he reached us, the other beer he held, placed in front of me.

"I got reassigned to another squad and didn't see her again until a few years later. She was at the Citadel, after her deployment from the collectors and well…. we kinda got back together…."

"Why the fuck are you telling me this? Is this your sorry excuse to tell me your love story with Ash.?" I sneered.

"No! Just let me finish, Shepard… As I was saying…" Another swallow from his beer. "We were together… yeah.. But not _really _together. Yeah, I knew she had loved this guy.. But she hadn't mentioned anything else and I didn't really ask. I knew it hurt her to talk about it, so I didn't mention it. Ever. I was assigned after that to you and didn't see her again until the invasion… I… I didn't make the connection. I don't know why or how I missed it. I saw the signs, I just… I guess I really just didn't want to know. Then I was thrust into it. I had to face it… and you know what, Shepard?... She broke it off. She choose you because she _loves _you. She never really loved me… And…" Another sip of his beer, this one longer. "And I realized. I realized what I had been blocking out. I made the connections. You and the Normandy. Her time on the Normandy… Then the way she wasn't the same Ashley from before when we meet back up, after your death. It all made sense and then Mars happened and I saw the way you reacted, the way you clutched her to you…" He finished, emptying the remaining contents of his beer.

We stood quiet for a while, everything he had said, slowly sinking into me..

"So, if you realized all of this, why the interfere with what we had. Why not back off and let us be?" I asked. Not really mad any more at him, really just curious.

"Because, I thought I could get her back. That if I tried hard enough, she would come back to me. But she didn't. We spent years stranded on that fucking planet and she wouldn't even look at me…" He looked at me then. " You know she slept in your cabin on what was left of the Normandy at the time. The skylight was smashed open, some of the beams and wiring where misplaced, but she slept in there every night… I think it comforted her during those years… You weren't even around and she still sought comfort in you when I was there in the flesh to provide it if she needed it.. She was so determined to get back, even if it was to your corpse. I realized then, that I had no hope. She's a one man kinda girl. Yeah, she might have tried not to be, but… I think even she realized it at some point. If she can't have you, she doesn't want anyone else. You're it for her, Shepard." He concluded, looking away.

"Why tell me all of this?" I asked, my beer forgotten."

"Because… You love her and… she loves you." He smiled then. "Besides, I think there might be someone out there for me after all." He smirked again, looking back at me. "So what's it going to be Shepard? You gonna go find her?"

"What if she doesn't want to be found?" I questioned, knowing my chances weren't as bright as Vega painted them out to be.

" Yeah… She's a stubborn one alright." Vega said, smiling fondly. "She might need some convincing on your part but I think you can handle that." He winked and I smiled.

We then both turned and ordered another round of drinks.


	23. Chapter 22

**_Chapter 22_**

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><p><em>Location: Brazil  Earth / Sol System_

_Time Stamp: 0700 ERT Hour / February .14 . 2191_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Ashley<strong>_

* * *

><p>I gathered all of the paperwork on my desk and shuffled them into my bag. Making sure that I had them all before I left the classroom, shutting the lights off behinds me. Today had been excruciating. The long day of testing had all the cadets up in arms and more moody than ever. She should have listened to her sister when she warned her that teaching wasn't as easy as I had thought. But I hadn't listened, I was always up for a challenge and now more than ever. She actually liked teaching. It was something she was good at and it made her kinda proud to have all these kids look up to her. They all obviously knew who she was, at this point, who didn't. But the respected her even more for it and it showed in there need to participate and learn what she was trying to teach. She'd decided on teaching math, although many would think English was her subject, with her love of poems and all, but she wasn't actually any good at writing poetry. Let alone trying to teach it in an english class. Math was different. It was straight forward and to the point. She preferred that, and with her references she had gotten this job. As far away as she could get from the military without leaving it completely. So what better, than to ensure a better education for the recruits of tomorrow.<p>

Out of the building and into my car, I made my way home as I did every night. I had chosen not to live on the grounds, since I had my mother and sisters to look after. We had chosen Brazil as a great place to start our new lives because my dad had had a vacation home of the coast that he hardly ever used. It lay completely forgotten until we decided to visit and see how things stood. After seeing the minimal destruction around the house or surrounding towns, we had decided to stay and just never left after that. Mom likes to stay home and make sure were all taken care of and fed. Though my sisters had the same idea as me and they had all found jobs around town to keep themselves busy.

The house itself wasn't anything grand, but it was beautiful in it's own way and it had plenty of land, we even had a few horses, which my youngest sister had fallen in love with and which I couldn't deny her.

I can't say I didn't like my life now. It had potential and I was mostly happy. My family was ok. There was no danger looming in the near future, no more missions to contend with. I was home and home to stay. It felt good, in a strange contended way. I was content with my life. It was enough…. Well, at least it seemed that was as long as I didn't think of _him. _

"God! Just saying that hurt!" I furiously whispered, as I parked the car in front of the gates of our house. Thankful that the nearest neighbor was about a mile away, so privacy was a guarantee and I had all the parking I wanted. I turned off the car, gathered my things and got out, closing and locking the car behind me.

"Why can't… can't I just stop thinking about him.. I'm happy.. I am… I just have to keep convincing myself." I said out loud to myself.

_What I need to do is to stop talking to myself. And I really needed to stop thinking of him. It… it just hurts to damn much and it isn't helping me at all. _

With more determination, I walked up the walkway to the front door and fumbled through my purse for the keys.

"What I need, is to get laid. That'll make me stop thinking of Shepard." I growled, moodier than my usual self but not questioning it after a day like the one I've had.

Finding my keys, I was about to pull them out when an hand roughly grabbed my elbow and I instinctively fought back, jabbing the stranger in the gut before rushing in the opposite direction. I was not just about to get mugged and I wasn't about to let my sisters get hurt if they came out to investigate the commotion. So I hightailed it back in the direction of my car, where I kept my hand gun in case of an emergency. Not a foot away from my car, and I was grabbed by the waist, the arms around me trapping my arms to the side. I was flushed against a warm body, as I struggled to get loosed. The stranger roughly maneuvered me to the other side of my car, hiding me from view of the house. I didn't want to scream because that would only attract my mom or sisters which neither would be good. They couldn't defend themselves. I needed a distraction…. An then I was turned around to face the stranger but before I could catch his features, his lips descended on mine. I shut my eyes to the invasion but something didn't seem right. As in the fact, that the kiss actually did feel… right.. The lips where soft and seeking and for a brief second I let my guard down and my lips parted…. and I tasted him. Without opening my eyes, I knew who it was. No one had ever kissed me like he did.

Sensing my acquisition, his arms loosened their hold around me and released my arms. Said arms, quickly betrayed me as they wrapped around his neck to bring him closer. He moved one hand from my back and brought it to grasp the hair on the nape of my neck, the other arm wrapping tighter around my waist. With his hold on my hair, he moved my mouth to his liking, changing positions as if to plunder me from ever angle. Then, all too soon he moved his lips away and we could breath.

"Shepard." I whispered through swollen lips. "I can't."

"The hell you can't." Was all he replied before his lips where on me again. I couldn't think. Couldn't breath. But the pleasure was so intense that I didn't care. I couldn't care. I hadn't been kissed like this in years.. In forever.

I was pressed against the side of the car, his body molding to mine. The arm that had held me in place, now moved away. It's interest now on my knee-length pencil skirt. In one tug, the slight side-slit of my skirt became a three- quarter part up my side, leaving about three inches of fabric holding my skirt together. I didn't care. At least, I didn't care as he released my hair and brought both hand down to hitch up my thighs around his waist. My skirt, a wasted remnant of my reluctance that now laid on the floor.

"I love you, Ashley." He whispered as we came up for air, the sound of his zipper, bringing my eyes up to meet his for the first time that night…. For the first time in a long time.

"What are we doing, Shepard?" I asked, voice husky with my obvious need.

"Where getting back together." He replied calmly, but then I felt the head of his cock pushing at the white lace of my underwear and I moaned. "Don't you want to?" He said, moving to whisper in my ear. I couldn't think straight.

My legs where still spread around him and my hands clutched at his shoulders. He knew damn well, I was turned on. I could tell by the way he purposefully rubbed himself against my covered slit, knowing that I loved it and it always made wet. He was pushing himself into me, but not penetrating. His mouth and teeth having had moved to me throat. His hips where so hard pressed against me, that he was able to remove a hand from one of my thighs and brought it up to pull up my blouse and reveal my bra covered breasts. " Tell me to stop." He whispered, looking up at me. But I couldn't. I needed this, even if I regretted it later on. So, I kissed him. I kissed him, as if I wanted to drown in him. Wanted to breath only his air. And he tugged at my under wear, quickly shoving himself completely in me. It hurt.. It hurt so good. I felt.. Complete. Then he was moving, hips, lips and hands all possessing me. Turning me into a needed puddle of nothing but pure pleasure in his arms. I gyrated against him, seeking that wondrous release that he, could only give me. He whispered sweet nothings in my ear, caressed my breasts as if it was the most precious thing to him. But he pounded mercilessly against me. Pressing my back against the car and lifting my hips so that my thighs were completely spread, he rammed in to me. Over and over again, hitting the spot deep within over and over. I couldn't hold it. Couldn't take the sweet anguish and I came, telling him I loved him over and over again.

He didn't stop there, he continued to hammer away at me. Taking everything I had and whispering his love in return. I was too consumed. To overwhelmed with my orgasm, that I didn't feel him tense until it was too late and he was jerking his hips sporadically and coming inside me. He pushed inside me even more, his release compelling his body to thrust his release deep inside me. That alone snapped me out of it and I began to struggle against him. His release weakening him enough for me to free myself.

As soon as my feet hit the ground, I pushed him away and tried to right myself. "What the hell! Shepard!" His name leaving my lips for what felt like the first time in centuries.

He looked a bit confused and looked away from me as he readjusted himself in his jeans. "I thought… You didn't stop me.. I thought you wanted me to."

I smiled unwillingly. "I.. I did. We just.. Didn't use protection and _we-just-fucked-in-front-of-my-house-and-we-haven't-seen-each other-in-months_." I spluttered out so fast, that I didn't realize everything I had said until it was out of my mouth. "Listen, I guess we need to talk but not now and not today. You have to go." I said sadly and his face made me almost want to take back my words. Almost.

"But we love each other. There isn't anything else that should stand in our way. We've gone through enough, Ashley. We deserve to be happy. You deserve to be happy." He finished.

"That's assuming that being with you will make me happy." I said and walked around him, heading to my front door and letting myself in. I didn't look back as I opened the door and I didn't look back as I shut it behind me. I needed to think. I needed to process and think.


	24. Chapter 23

**_Chapter 23_**

* * *

><p><em>Location: Brazil  Earth / Sol System_

_Time Stamp: 0700 ERT Hour / March .10 . 2191_

* * *

><p><strong>Shepard<strong>

* * *

><p>At first, I thought that it would easy getting her back. After that night with James at the bar, I thought I had it all figured out. I would come to her, we would talk and resolve our issues and within a few days she would be back with me where she belonged. Then, I came up to her house a few minutes before she arrived and watched as she got out of her car and made her way to the front door. She seemed thinner than the last time I had seen her. Her face looked slightly gaunt and her eyes had dark circles under her eyes, I had resisted the urge to go after her, but after hearing her comments to herself, I had lost it. She had said that she needed to get laid and I had seen red. I had snatched her up and shown her just how much she needed to get laid and how much I wanted to be the one to do it for her every. single. night.<p>

After that event, I had decided that it was better to switch strategies. Thinking back to what I knew of Ashley, I knew that she would not commit to me unless she had no doubts where I stood when it came to her. And after the other night and the possible consequences of those events, I knew that I wanted nothing more that to be the one for her.

My new strategy was in effect now, as I sat in my new living room just two miles from where she lived. I had decided that the best way to get my woman was to woo her. The old fashion way.

I sent her flowers every day. Sometimes, I would send her a bag of her favorite blend of coffee with her flowers, knowing how much she disliked chocolates. I wasn't sure if caffeine was the right choice, but I knew she loved it and I wanted to show her how much I really knew her. How much I loved her. After the first few weeks, of no replies from her, I upped my game. Instead of flowers, I began to send her different kinds of Automatic weapons, making sure that the deliveries always reached her hands. She loved guns, sometimes I wondered if more than me, because after the arrival of the first one, I received my first message.

**_o0o_**

_Shepard,_

_ Thanks._

_ -Williams_

**_o0o_**

That brought my hopes up and I decided to change tactics. I located her sisters, too unsure if her mother would participate in my scheme. After a few hours of persuading and endless promises of my undying love for their sister. They agreed to help me. That gave me even more hope. They hadn't mentioned Ashley, per say, but they didn't have to. Their willingness to help my cause told me what I needed to know. What I needed to motivate myself just a bit more. So, we planned and schemed for the next few hours and before I knew it, I was almost sure of my success.

After her sisters had left and I had been left to to my half of the job, I made a few calls and pulled a few strings. It probably would take a few weeks to have everything ready, but I was determined.

* * *

><p><em>Location: Brazil  Earth / Sol System_

_Time Stamp: 0700 ERT Hour / April.14 . 2191_

* * *

><p>I stood outside the rented beach house patio, waiting for the girls to arrived. I had made dinner and was trying for the whole romantic setting for the occasion. Wine was cooling, food was being kept warm and the petal that decorated the floor had been sprayed with a synthetic chemical that was suppose to assure that they looked beautiful even after days of being taken out of the packaging.<p>

I wanted everything to be perfect. It was after all her birthday, and the eighth anniversary of our first date back when we both served on the SR-1.

Her sisters had said they would lure her here and make sure she was dressed properly for the occasion. Everything was ready. I was ready.

I patted the inner pocket of my suit jacket, where my two hidden weapons where held. Hopefully, tonight would be the night. A knock at the door and the following click of the door opening, made me take position.

She walked in, red silk dress clinging to her. Her beautiful hair was up on her head and my finger itched to caress the soft skin of her revealed collarbone. Our eyes met as she neared and she stopped, taking a step back.

"Those little liars…" She mumbled and frowned as I stepped closer.

"Can we talk? Please?" I asked, my voice low and soothing, I hoped.

"Shepard, I….I.. But…." She stuttered and clamped her lips shut

"Let's just take a seat, maybe have some food. I cooked." I said hopefully and she raised and eyebrow at my last statement.

"Is it safe to eat?" She asked, warily.

"Yeah.." I chuckled. rubbing the back of my neck with my hand. "Your sisters helped."

"I bet." Ashley replied but moved to take a seat at the set table. She seemed to notice the decor and romantic atmosphere at that moment because she paused as she took her seat, looking around.

"Is this a _date_?" She asked, no hint of any emotion beside curiosity.

I went and took the seat beside her, thanking every divinity I knew of for placing our seats so close. I could smell her from where I sat, and what I smelled had my mouth watering.

"I would like it to be. But it doesn't have to be if you don't want it to be." I told her sincerely.

She just nodded and and turned to look around again, leaving us in silence.

"Would you like to eat first? Maybe some wine?" I asked, hoping to keep the conversation going and not giving her time to overthink the situation.

She turned back to look at me and smiled softly at me. "The food can wait. We need to talk." Turning her body towards mine in her seat, our eyes made contact again.

"Why are you here, Shepard?" Ashley whispered, not even a foot away from me. "I'm assuming you've recovered you memories, or at least enough to know me. But what does that have to do with anything. Even before you ever lost them, we were at odds."

"Yeah, Liara helped out with that. I remember, Ashley. Everything. But it's not even a matter of those memories coming back. That's not why I'm here." I reached out for her hand, thankful when she didn't refuse me the gesture. My finger laced with hers and my thumb began to caress her palm. "Even before, my memories came back…. I knew... I knew something was missing…. There was a time there when I didn't even know of your existence and even then I knew something was off. Then… I saw you in that hall… and you embraced me.. I don't even know how to explain it.. Something in me clicked into place that day." I stopped, my attention brought back to her slightly trembling hand, and I caressed her palm more firmly, reassuringly. "I dreamt of you, you know?... Kinda erotic ones at that. Had me sweating in my sleep." I chuckled but continued.

"I love you, Ashley. Your it for me." I concluded, my voice thick with emotion.

She was silent for minutes and I began to worry.

"But what about Miranda? Aren't you living with her?"

"Actually, no. We've never actually… well been more than… a.. a relationship built out of loneliness. You did a number on me there on Horizon… But I'm not saying it's your fault either." I finished quickly at the murderous look she was starting to give me.

"All I'm saying is that, things happened.. but they weren't necessarily out of love. I know a bit about love, you know. I've felt it for you for years. I know the difference." I added cheekily and she smiled at me again, this one a real bright one.

"Plus, Miranda's with Vega now." I concluded, smiling as her jaw dropped slightly.

"You're kidding me?" She asked, eyes wide and mouth open.

"No… You jealous or something?" I asked, a little annoyed at her reaction. But then she smirked at me and leaned forward for a kiss. A small delicate one. But it made me feel incredible and I just wanted to lean in further and taste more. She pulled away, though.

"I love you." She stated simply. And I took no consideration for her dress,or the hard work that had been put into the table setting because I captured her in my hold and sat her on the table top in front of me.

"Then, it's done. We're together again. God! Woman. What the hell took you.. " I ranted happily and leaned in to kiss her when I caught her expression. "What?" I asked.

"We're not done talking." Ashley said firmly.

"I know that.. But I love you, you _love me, _it's your birthday and we're at a romantic dinner... I say, we finish talking later. We've cleared up the most important part." I was not letting her get away. Not this time. So, I wrapped my arm around her waist, the other hand seeking it's favorite purchase at the base of her head, grabbing hold of the hair there.

"I love _you_, Ashley." I whispered right before my lips landed on hers and I kissed her gently, passionately. I was giving it my all and it was soft and sweet. The small moans she made, had my heart pounding. She embraced me, returning the kiss with as much sweetness as ever. Her lips like soft, wet petals against his.

We stood like that for long moments, ending the kiss when we no longer could stand being without air and even then they're lips remained only inches apart.

"Can I just say, I love you in a suit." Ashley whispered huskily, her breath fanning my lips.

"I would love you in a potato sack." I replied, lightly placing a kiss on her lips before I deposited her back on her seat. "Now, we eat."

After the food was done and the table was cleared, we moved over to the deck to watch the night stars. We sat there for a while in comfortable silence, when she spoke up again.

"So, James and Miranda? Huh?... Who would have thought." She said, leaning more into me.

" I know, we had a good chat at a bar a few weeks back and he told me all about it. Kinda surprising. Really. He was the one who told me where to find you." I said.

"Did he also give you the idea to ambush me in the dark and practically fuck me into the side of my car?" She asked, eyebrows raised and mouth quirked into a smirk.

"No. That is completely your fault." I said and watched her face turn a peculiar shade of red. "I heard you talking to yourself, said you needed to get laid. I sure as hell wasn't about to have you go out and pick up some guy to do my job. So, I offered my services." I finished, nipping at her ear. "You weren't exactly complaining."

She batted me away with a hand and turned to face me. "Whatever. You're just lucky I decided that I loved you enough to forgive you." She retorted, hotly.

"For that, I'm lucky. I was prepared to grovel. Even had a few backup plans, just in case."

"You can still grovel." Ashley said, batting her eyelashes.

I smiled at her then remembered my other gift. Reaching into my coat pocket and I pulled out an envelope and handed it to her. She took it, opened it and scanned the page she took out. I watched the emotions flicker across her face. Knowing full well what she was reading. At first, her eyes widened. Then she looked up at me and back at the letter, rereading it. Her big brown eyes glazed over and her hands began to tremble as she clutched the piece of paper.

"Shepard?... I.. How.. But, I thought.." She didn't finish, instead throwing herself onto my lap to kiss me again. Hungrily. Passionately.

When she pulled away, tears streamed down her face. "How?"

I know what she wanted to know. Hell, it had taken him weeks to contact all the right people before he was able to make a small history change.

"I pulled some strings, threatened some people and overall, used my charm to have the history books corrected for you. It's kinda of like an anniversary gift."

"An Anniversary gift? Why?" She questioned quietly.

"We had our first official date eight years ago today... Besides, any kids we have can't grow up thinking that their great-grandfather was a coward. It isn't fair to them or to you. From now on, any records published on the matter will be officially amended to state the truth of the evidence and will give him his true praise for saving his crew, at the cost of a small battle…." I kissed her again then continued. "That paper just makes it official.

Ashley just looked at me with a dazed look. "Loving you, is just not enough. There are no words that could ever explain what I feel for you."

Another kiss and when she pulled away, I smirked at her glazed expression. "If that hadn't work, I still had something else up my sleeve."

She smiled and shook her head. "Nope. That would have definitely won me over. No question about it…" Another kiss. "Trust me." She finished.

I shrugged at her response with a smile. "I might as well give it to you anyway. Since we're already here." I moved her off my lap and she took the seat beside me. I then proceeded to kneel on one knee in front of her and dug back in to my front pocket, pulling out the small velvet box.

Opening the box in front of her stunned face, I spoke. "Ashley Madeline Williams, will you marry?" I asked, not doubting what her response would be. "You know, since I'm already trying to woo you. Might as well make you mine forever. Permanently."

Ashley was silent for a minute then she laughed in the most giddy way possible.

"And I didn't even have to tell you, that I'm pregnant… Yup, you're a keeper." She said as an answer and I was too flabbergasted by her response that I didn't see her when she flung herself at me. We landed on the wooden deck floor and rolled a few times, though, I made extra sure not to crush her.

"Watch it woman!" I feigned anger. "You're carrying my kid in there, you need to be more careful. No more of anything for you…" I grumbled, getting up and picking her up, bride style, from the floor and carrying her inside. All the while she tried to wriggle free, her complaints full of laughter. Once at the bedroom, I dumped her on the bed and stalked over her until we were face to face.

"You're precious to me." I said, our eyes meeting. Then I moved down her body to rest my gaze on her abdomen. "You're precious to me." And I kissed the spot where she would swell with my baby.

Ashley brought her hands to either side of my face, bringing me back up to her. Our eyes locked again and we kissed.

"I love you, Shepard. You're it for me." She whispered, our lips inches apart.

"I love you two more than anything. You two are it for me. My family."

* * *

><p><strong>FIN<strong>


End file.
